“And now you’ve learned that I contrive to impress girls in the boot room,” he joked.
She shook her head and gave another small smile. “The captain called on me at Berymede several times, and my parents approved of him, in as much as they approved of any of my suitors. My mother’s priority was my popularity. She wanted me to be the desire of a great many men. I believe the crowning glory in her own life was the great number of men she once held in thrall. A good match and marriage was important to her, yes, but once a girl is married, she counts her admirers as only one—her husband. His wealth and affections will sustain her through her life, but in my mother’s view, I really believe there is no comparison to the great thrill of alegionof admirers.”
Tessa pivoted and leaned back against the railing, staring east. “Aren’t you glad to know you are married to the most prodigious flirt in Surrey?”
“I am glad to know I am married to you at all,” he said. “It sounds as if I would have had trouble competing for your attentions if my chances had not been leveled by—”
“My desperation?” she provided.
She would not make him say it. She wanted to add,I would have loved you regardless, but she struggled, somehow, to go this far. It was like she could not confess this terrible circumstance with Captain Markingandprofess her love for him in the same conversation. The exchange would overwhelm. A tower of fragile china too high to safely balance.
She went on, “At summer’s end, the captain escorted me to an assembly in Pixham. And after we’d danced and laughed and had a generally wonderful time, he leaned in and asked me if I would honor him with a walk. Outside. In the night. Alone.”
She took a deep breath, remembering his words. He’d whispered. His voice had been different, low and growly and suggestive. She’d been intrigued. Everything about his offer had felt reckless and provocative and exciting.
Tessa, who had grown weary of the dancing, had been flattered. Captain Marking had been so very dashing that night; breathtakingly adherent to her, possessive, dominating. He had made her feel like the only woman in the world who could satisfy some unnamed dark yearning.
“Because I was foolish and reckless,” she went on, “I agreed. And when my parents had gone home and brothers were occupied, I allowed him to slip me out a rear door and lead me down a path into the forest. It was naughty and exciting, and I remember laughing as we ran down the path. It was all such a lark.”
Stupid girl,she thought in her head.Stupid, stupid girl.
“Tessa?” Joseph called, and she looked up. His voice was cautious, like he was talking to a spooked horse.
“Will you take my coat?” he asked finally. “You are shivering.”
“No,” she said. She felt hot, so hot she thought she might incinerate. Shewantedto incinerate, but she kept right on standing, telling this awful tale.
“We spilled into a clearing in the woods, and in the center was this massive tree. The trunk was as thick as the chimney in Berymede’s great room, and he sort of backed me against it. I knew what was coming, of course, he had kissed me before, and I allowed it. I allowed all of it.”
A deep breath.
The next bit gushed out like blood from a vein. “But then I wasn’t simply against the tree, I was sort of locked there by his arms and the weight of him, and he started to kiss me, and it was fine, I suppose. The tree was hard and the night was colder than I’d realized, and he was quite heavy—he’d never pressed against me so firmly before—and the buttons of his uniform jabbed me through my dress. Very quickly, his kisses turned from familiar and nice to, well... sloppy and hard at the same time. I couldn’t breathe, I felt choked. I tried to turn my head but he followed me—every way I turned, he followed me. And he was mumbling in my ear in a way that frightened me. I tried to call out, but every time he lifted his mouth, I had to gasp for breath. My voice wouldn’t come. And his hands were everywhere. He was touching my body, containing me, preventing me from sliding right or left. And then...”
Another deep breath. She hesitated for a second before finishing. She’d already said far, far more than she’d wanted to say. The fine detail was entirely unnecessary. All Joseph really needed to know was that he had been aggressive and she had been afraid. But the moments had played in her head and she’d put words to them and out they came. She might as well say it all. She stared at her hands gripping the iron railing and rushed to finish.
“And then he held me by the neck with one hand and reached down to grab my ankle with the other. He forced my leg up and clawed beneath my skirt and ripped away my pantaloons. He unfastened his own breeches, and leaned in, told me what a good girl I was, over and over again. He... put—that is, he forced himself. And I... endured it.”
She looked up. She blinked. She tried to unfurl her hands from the iron rail, but they wouldn’t budge. Just as well; she did not trust her legs. And she did not trust her restraint; she wanted to fall into Joseph’s arms. But would he receive her? She dared not look at him.
“Five weeks later,” she went on, “when I told him I had conceived a child that night, he slammed the door in my face. I told my friends I was in trouble, and they posted the advertisement. You answered it.”
The end,she thought.
The wind blew, and her hair lifted from her shoulders and snapped and twirled. Her thoughts felt the same inside her head. She wanted more wind, stronger wind, she wanted it to lift her entire body and blow her away.
“Tessa?” Joseph said.
He’d not taken one step toward her. In her peripheral vision, she had not seen him move.
He went on, his voice very low and steely calm. “Tessa, what is the name of this person?”
She shook her head. “His name is not important. I’m not protecting him, I promise you, it’s simply that I don’t even like to say it—”
“I am not asking,” Joseph said, “out of curiosity. I am asking because I will hunt this man down and kill him.”
Tessa snapped her gaze to his. Her husband, so debonair and stylish, had transformed into a wild animal in a cage. His breath came in hard pants, his shoulders were tense, his hands were curled into fists, his face was a mask of rage.
“No, Joseph,” she said and shook her head. Her voice tried for soothing calm. “No. It’s not worth—”
