She shook her head and reached for the railing, soaking in the view. “It’s wonderful,” she whispered. Far more wonderful was the warm security of his large hands around her waist.
He came to stand behind her. “We can stay out here as long as you like. However long it takes.”
She glanced back. His message was clear. The view was lovely, but they’d come to the top of the house for a reason.
“Right,” she said, but she made no move to begin
After a moment, Joseph said, “Should I... kiss you again?”
She craned around. “Kiss meagain? You are aware thatIkissedyou?”
He laughed. “Rest assured that I will never forget that you kissed me. I shall never look at boot rooms the same way again.”
She laughed and turned, burrowing against his chest. His arms closed around her like strong, safe ropes.
She thought of the Old Tessa, who had been carefully coached by her mother never to discuss the attentions of one man with a second man, unless it was toever so slightlytease a healthy measure of jealousy.
She thought of the New Tessa, who avoided all men, and who thoughtfully and carefully said exactly what she meant to say with reason and calm. Emotionless and rational and businesslike.
Against his chest she said, “I don’t want to tell you what happened the night that Christian was conceived, because it was horrible. It was the horrible culmination to a lifetime of flirtation and silliness and vanity, which I also have no wish to discuss. But I worry if I do not say it, I will fall from a very great height every time we endeavor to... to...”
She looked up. “I want a life with you, Joseph. If you can trust me to pursue one. If you... think of me in that way. And if you can accept my son. I want the life we dreamed of together at Berymede.”
She paused, marveling thatthishad actually been easier to reveal than the events of the night with Captain Marking and the tree.
Joseph said nothing. He betrayed not even the slightest tenseness in his arms, not an intake of breath. She stole a look at his face. He stared down with a creased expression, like he’d wanted to speak but could not.
Tessa forged ahead. “I have vowed so many things since you went away, but the most important vow was not to conceal anything from you. Not again.”
“Tessa, I love you,” Joseph said.
The wind blew in the moment, lifting her hair. Long swaths of blond literally stood on end—and it felt so very appropriate. Her whole body seemed to levitate. She stared, disbelieving, at Joseph’s face. He looked almost as surprised as she was. He looked a little like he’d accidentally dropped someone’s priceless heirloom dish.
“Before you declare that,” Tessa said, “wait until you hear what I have to say.” She could not bear to have him retract these words after she’d told him.
“I don’t care what you have say,” he said, but he released her and stepped back. Now he looked gravely serious. Now he looked determine to take every dish in the cupboard and throw it at the wall.
“Yes, well. Right then,” she said. She felt cold without the circle of her arms, but she took her own step back. She turned and faced the skyline of London. She clasped the iron fencing.
She took a deep breath and the cold stung her throat. He had been right to bring her here. She could stare at the vastness of the city and feel small and inconsequential, but she could not get away.
“The man who is Christian’s natural father is a captain in the Army,” she began. “His regiment was garrisoned in Pixham last summer. During this time, there were a number of dashing officers at village assemblies or private parties. This man and I, er, singled each other out as foils almost immediately. I flirted with him shamelessly. He was especially imperious and gallant, and he preened about with a manly sort of swagger whenever I was near. It was like a little game we played, one I’d played many times with many different beaux.”
She glanced at Joseph. He’d crossed his arms over his chest. His face was patient, but he’d narrowed his eyes. Tessa had the thought,There is listening, and then there islistening.
Joseph,she thought,is LISTENING.
She looked away and bowed her head, staring at her hands on the railing. “It must be said—” She stopped and started again. “The story is not complete without acknowledging that my behavior before this time was... well, I suppose the best word might be coquettish? I laughed constantly, dressed colorfully, and danced with the energy of a playful kitten. I elicited, and gained, the adoring attention of most men. I loved the brotherly teasing of my family and the less-brotherly teasing of their friends. I relished my father’s gifts and praise. I thrilled to the company of suitors and beaux and gentlemen callers.”
She glanced at him, her face burning. Would her behavior seem ridiculous and vain to him, would what came next seem justified? His expression was placid.
She thought of those days, thought of the fun she had and the gowns she adored, the music, the gifts. Had she been ridiculous? She had been young and indulged, but she had never been cruel. Her friends would have admonished her if she had. Had her vanity been destructive? She’d had other pursuits—music and friendships and social errands on behalf of her mother.
She took a deep breath and continued, “For better or for worse, the role I played in our family felt very natural to me. It was not a contrivance. The Tessa St. Croix you met when you came upon me outside Gibson’s Mercantile was very trulyme.I did not contrive to dazzle you into some sort of web of calculated wiles in the weeks that followed.”
“I accused you of this,” he said softly. “After the wedding. I’m sorry.”
She smiled at him gently. “I appreciate that. And I understand why. But please believe me. I like to think of that girl as the Old Tessa. Because of the baby, there is a chance that my personality was the slightest bitconcentrated, boiled down to the most effective, but it was still truly me. And I did really enjoy you. I believed you to be so very handsome and fashionable and clever.”
