“Yes—of course, yes,” she said.
And now he was flooded with relief. He would see her again.
She continued, “Only I cannot come today, I’m afraid. My son will awaken very soon, and I’ve promised our nursemaid, Perry, the day off. But here.” She returned to the lacquered box and removed an envelope. “I’ve a copy of the letter I mailed to you informing you of the new dock and the original dock warrant. The letter should explain enough for you and Stoker to safely bring the brig in to St. Katharine tonight. The customs office will not be open until tomorrow morning, and you cannot unload without their inspection. Perhaps you can give your crew shore leave until morning, and I will meet you by ten o’clock? Would that be suitable?” She extended the envelope.
Joseph stared at it, stared at her small hand and delicate wrist.
It occurred to him that he was being dismissed. Politely and quite justifiably. He did not live here with her. He had very little to do with her at all.
Now she would resume whatever it was that she did with her day. She was not hisrealwife. Never had she been hisrealwife.
Still. They were finally in the same city, but she wouldmeet him in the morning.
You weren’t even going to seek her out,he reminded himself. His inclination to linger, to discuss the docking—to discussanything—burned at the edge of his consciousness, a low flame at the edge of a dry leaf.
“Alright,” he heard himself say. He took the envelope. “Tomorrow, then. Ten o’clock.”
She smiled then, her first smile in what felt like an hour, and he drank it in. He almost, almost reached for her.
Instead, she took up a bell and summoned the butler. The man appeared in the doorway, and Joseph followed him into the street.
Chapter Twelve
Tessa longed to wear any other dress than the grey wool. Or the taupe silk. Or the beige. Or the terrible green dress that reminded her of residue on a dry fountain. One by one, she ticked through the drab dresses in her wardrobe, frowning at each boring, matronly one.
It was the day after Joseph returned and she dressed with care, if not color, while Perry, the nursemaid, sat in a chair with baby Christian. “I wish you’d consider the blue, Miss Tessa,” Perry offered. “Or any of the pinks. The red?” She rattled off an inventory of Tessa’s former wardrobe, as if the problem was recalling the pieces. Remembering was not the problem. Tessa remembered them all too well.
“Today, of all days, it is imperative that I be taken seriously,” Tessa recited, frowning at the grey silk. “No distractions or misconceptions—not for Joseph or any other man with whom I’ve dealt at St. Katharine Docks.”
Tessa could not say for certain that the drab, unadorned dresses had contributed to her newfound success as a novice businesswoman, but they could not have hurt. Certainly no man had pressed himself on her since she began donning the parade of muted plainness, and for whatever reason, wearing brown stifled Tess’s natural tendency to tease and flirt. She’d pushed away these tendencies, just as she’d pushed her beloved dresses to the back of the wardrobe.
“Have you considered,” said her friend Sabine, leaning against the doorjamb, “that you are taken seriously because you’re conducting actual business with these men? This was bound to happen when you dealt in commerce rather than the relative smallness of your dainty little hands.”
Tessa cringed, thinking of the vapid games she had once played. “If wearing grey will help distance me from any such nonsense, it is but a small price to pay.”
It was also a small price for the damage that she had done to Joseph—and herself. She’d broken two hearts on her wedding night, and the truth was, the drab dresses matched her state of mind. Bright colors and silk flounces were difficult to stomach when she’d first moved to London. Meanwhile the world’s most boring dresses seemed like exactly what she deserved.
Still, her hand hovered tensely over the grey gown, her fingers curled in a claw. For the first time in many months, shewantedto wear something light and cheerful. She wanted to appear pretty when she saw Joseph today.
Perhaps the new dresses had contributed to her success or were more appropriate for heartache, but she had never felt truly like herself when she wore them. They were so mournful and dour. Still, she’d made a commitment to the New Tessa, and the dresses and tight bun were the outward show of that commitment.
She sighed deeply and dragged the grey silk from the wardrobe.
Behind her, Sabine made a snickering noise. Sabine managed to wear any old color—today she’d worn scarlet—and still seemed to repel unwanted male attention as a matter of course. But Sabine regarded all men with sharp distrust, and she carried around an air of isolation like a shield. But Tessa could never seem to manage isolation.
Captain Marking aside, Tessa quite enjoyed men, and she harbored no wholesale distrust of the entire gender. She was quite certain that she could neverliewith a man after what happened with the captain—Joseph had been her one and only go at that—but this particular fear hardly surfaced in day-to-day interactions.
Ironically, Sabine was the most classically beautiful of the two friends in Belgravia. Her large green eyes, small nose, and pink mouth were aligned with perfect symmetry. Her hair was so black, it shone almost blue in some light. And her skin was the color of fresh cream.
Meanwhile Tessa’s beauty was more a trick of motion and light. Anyone with hair as blonde as Tessa’s was bound to cause men to look twice. Add bright blue eyes and a ready smile? The Old Tessa had merely played up these features with beautiful dresses in bright colors, fluttering ribbons and lace trim. Oh, how she had adored lace trim.
Or she had, before she’d made a point to mute everything about her appearance and bearing. Hence, the grey, which she donned now with due irritation, wincing at the stiff fabric.
“Where is the grey bonnet, Perry?” She turned around to allow Sabine to do up the back of her dress.
“Oh, but not the eel-colored bonnet, Miss Tessa?” said Perry innocently.
“Yes,” sighed Tessa, “the eel-colored. Can I trouble you to get it?”
