He looked up to her. “Why didn’t you lead with this?”
“I beg your pardon?” she said.
“Tessa, to say that I am stunned at your...” He shook his head and tried again. “I am stunned at what you claim to have accomplished. Forgive me. All I can think at the moment is why you did not tell me this first.”
She turned away, dropping her pen back into its little box. “Yes, I suppose it was rather foolish of me to believe we would...” she cleared her throat “...have a proper meeting about it and... collaborate. In the manner ofcolleagues. That you would think of me as an associate with a derby and a moustache.”
“I’ve hardly gotten used to your... brown dress, and now I’m to think of you with a moustache?”
To this, she had no answer. He pressed, “You want to be mycolleague, Tessa—is that what you want?”
“I want...” she began, but then she moved to the window. He could no longer see her face. “It doesn’t matter what I want. Certainly I am in no position to ask you for another thing.”
He made a scoffing noise. “Asking for things might be an excellent start, where you are concerned.”
She turned back. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, there was a time that I would have given you anything—you needed only but to ask. Instead of...” he trailed off.
“Instead of tricking you,” she provided softly.
“Instead of concealing the depth and breadth of your situation.”
She nodded. “In hindsight, perhaps I can see the error in that. Perhaps not. It is impossible to communicate how very afraid I was of driving you away.”
He watched her, waiting for an elaboration.
Finally, she said, “The work I did on behalf of the docks was meant to be the opposite; it was meant to be clear and seamless.”
“It was clear and seamless. I’m so very impressed.” He made a gesture to her notes. She hadn’t looked at them, not once. She knew the information by heart.
He asked, “You’re certain you’ve arranged this all on your own?”
She closed her eyes. She had the look of someone who had just been given an undeserved shove. He swore in his head.
“’Tis me alone, Joseph,” she said tiredly. “You cannot escape what I’ve done, I’m afraid. Sorry.” She turned to face him, bright blue eyes sad and somehow older now, but no less beautiful.
His heart gave a lurch. “Don’t apologize,” he managed.
“I feel like I shall apologize to you forever, and it will not be enough.”
Apologieswere never what I wanted, he thought.I wanted you. Instead he said, “Please stop.”
She brought an idle hand to the tight bun at the nape of her neck and patted it, wincing slightly. He had the impulse to go to her, to study the mystery of where she had bound all of her magnificent hair and to liberate it. To rub the place on her nape that caused her to wince.
“But how would you like to proceed?” she asked on a sigh, her hand still gently massaging her neck.
I should like to touch you,he thought.I should like to ask you why you’ve hidden your hair and why you’re wearing that terrible brown dress.
I should like to meet the baby.
I should like to hear what you meant to say when you almost told me what you really wanted.
Now he knew his brain had shut off. These were his wishes for theotherTessa, the fraudulent one, the one who lived only in his memory. He had no notion ofthisTessa, the Tessa that managed his business and slicked back her hair and wore brown.
“Obviously I cannot fully comprehend these arrangements without you present,” he said. “You’ll have to come to St. Katharine with me, to advise me.”
She took a deep, steadying breath. Relief? Endurance? Mettle? He couldn’t say.
