He stood up suddenly, pacing, impassioned, as he groped forwords. “Isn’t that—we can’t—wouldn’t that be…I don’t know. Manipulative? If it’s not—ifwe’renot…”
She looked down again, saying it almost to herself. “What if wewere,though?” Her eyes flicked back to him.
He felt like he was frozen to the spot. He opened his mouth, then closed it.
“Huh” was all he could manage.
He sat back down on the couch with a thud. Neither of them said anything, their eyes locked for an interminable moment. He shook his head, as if that would knock everything back into the correct place and make this suddenly make sense. “Andthisis how…? Shouldn’t we…like…talk? Or something? First? Before we just…” He trailed off, gesturing vaguely with his hand.
“You don’t want to?”
“Of course I want to,” he blurted out immediately, ignoring the satisfied smile that played across her lips. He felt his voice rise against his will, his emotions already heightened after the stress of the past few hours. “But this would be a big fucking deal, Lilah. For me, anyway. And I don’t want to be fucked around. Are you just doing this because you feel bad about talking me into it? You feelsorryfor me? Because I don’t need your pity.”
She let out an exasperated sigh, eyes flashing with irritation, her voice rising even louder than his. “No, Shane, I’m doing it because I’m in love with you.”
The words rang out like a slap, sharp and harsh. She looked almost surprised she’d said it, her face flushed, mouth slightly open. All he could do was blink at her, unable to move. Barely able to breathe.
“What?” His voice came out tight and strangled.
She took a deep breath, her hands twisting in her lap. Whenshe spoke again, her voice was quiet, careful. “I love you. I want…I want to be with you. And I don’t care if the whole fucking world knows this time. Iwantthem to know.”
He felt dizzy, suddenly so light-headed that he wished there were a way to sit down while already sitting down. Of all the things he’d expected her to say to him—not just tonight, butever—that was pretty much dead last on the list.
He wondered whether this was the first time she’d said it to anyone. Whether she’d said it to her ex while they were together. Whether she’d believed it then.
Whether he should let himself believe it now.
But then it hit him. The full gravity of what she was suggesting.
She’d torpedoed their relationship the first time around at the first hint that they might have to go public. And over the past few months, she’d made it clear she was too stubborn to ever admit she might want to try again—which was the only thing stopping him from getting down on his knees and begging. But now, she wasn’t just asking, unprompted, for a second chance—astonishing on its own—she was offering it up as a lifeline. A distraction. Drawing attention away from his performance, so he wouldn’t have to suffer even a fraction of the same public humiliation that she had.
Which meant it must be true.
She really was in love with him.
If hewerea cartoon character, the revelation would’ve been an anvil to the head, birds and stars circling in the aftermath. Or maybe a piano, leaving him smiling dizzily with a mouth full of keys.
She groaned, scrubbing her hands over her face—a noise of frustration with herself, not with him. “God. I’ve never done this before. I’m not good at it, it’s coming out all wrong. Ishouldn’t have just sprung it on you, this is totally the wrong time. You’re right, we should probably talk about it first. And we don’t have to do it like this, make a whole public thing out of it right away.”
Her hands fell to her lap again, her gaze following them. She shook her head resignedly, voice cracking with emotion. “But I couldn’t wait another fucking minute to tell you. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t.”
At that last part, she finally met his eyes, and his breath caught when he saw the mask was gone. The studied archness, the annoyance, the smugness at shocking and destabilizing him. It was just Lilah, cracked wide open, as unguarded as he’d ever seen her.
Dimly, in the recesses of his mind, he realized he should probably say it back. But he also understood, as brave as she was to confess, she never would’ve done it if she wasn’t completely confident he was in just as deep as she was. He could see it in the way she was looking at him. She wasn’t waiting for it. She already knew.
So he bit it back, letting her have her moment. He had the whole rest of his life to tell her. To show her.
Besides, now they were even.
“You know that was never my problem,” he said quietly, holding her gaze. “Going public, I mean. If it’d been up to me, I would’ve shouted it from the rooftops from day one.”
She dropped her gaze, presumably to hide the flushed smile creeping across her face. “I guess there wouldn’t be any point trying to keep it a secret, anyway. It seems like we’re the last to know.”
“Speak for yourself.”
Her smile widened, verging on giddy. “You weren’t going to say anything?”
“Can you blame me?”
