“You know this scoring system is arbitrary, right?”
“I know,” he says. “But I enjoy forcing you to come up with a number.”
My smile peters out. Liam steps closer. “What is it?”
Absurd, that he can sense my change in mood that fast.
I breathe deep, gathering my thoughts into words. “I was so proud of you tonight. You seemed confident, at ease doing all this, and I just—” My voice breaks as memories slip over me like unwelcome, cold ghosts.
That fucking hospital room. Liam’s arm taped over with an IV, his wet eyes pointed at the ceiling, the wordsI’m so sadfalling off his tongue.
No three words have ever gut punched me harder.
“It’s like you’re a different kind of captain now,” I say.
Liam nods, looking off at the night. “After that summer. My injury. The way I spiraled. I wasn’t sure I’d ever have a good feeling about my future again. But you gave me this, Bristol, remember? It was your idea. I did this because you told me to, and you were right. I’m honored to have the responsibility of this tour. If it goes well,I’ll probably get a raise, maybe even a promotion. There’s a future for me in this industry that’s actually within reach.”
Which is why I follow up with “Maybe I should go home.”
His face transforms. His voice is terrifyingly soft. “Paige Lancaster. What did you just say?”
I shake my head, a tear catching in the corner of my eye. “You said—youjustsaid—you’ve been trusted with a huge responsibility for this tour. I shouldn’t be here, Liam. Not even a fraction of your brain power needs to be focused on my problems. And after tonight, seeing how much you have to manage—”
He comes to me, his hands under my jaw, lips hovering inches from mine. “You need to get it through your head that I’m not doing you any favors, Paige. Maybe that’s how it seemed in the beginning, but I need this just as much as you do. Possibly more. Being near you convinces me I can be a captain again, a leader, because you remember when I was one. Not just that I was one, but I wasgoodat it, and the team trusted me, and you witnessed it. Being close to you is just as selfish for me as it is for you. No one is taking advantage.”
Still, I try for a compromise: “We could see each other after the tour, or I could meet you in a handful of cities.”
“No,” he growls low. “That’s not going to work as well for your writing, and besides, we made a deal. Three possible outcomes, none of which we’ve reached yet.” He sounds frantic, anxious, terrified. “Please don’t leave me again,” Liam whispers, his eyes heartbroken. “I can do both. I can be what they need, and I can be what you need.”
“But what about whatyouneed?” I ask.
His eyes flash, and before I know what’s happening, I’ve been thrown over his shoulder fireman-style.
“Liam!” I shriek.
“What I need,” he grumbles, walking toward the rental car, “is for you to come with me to the hotel, pack up your things, and drive with me to Seattle. Then I need you to fall asleep in my bed.And wake up in my bed. And write songs about me and try to fall in love with me. Are my needs clear?” He sets me down by the car and opens the passenger door, waiting.
Shakily, I climb in. Strap in.
Liam leans over, his eyes still flinty with low-burning embers. “We’re not doing this start-stop thing anymore, Bristol. It’s all or nothing from this point forward, okay? We’re learning to swim or we’re drowning. No more in between.”
After a moment I nod, feeling like a firecracker is seconds away from going off in my chest. Like the fuse was once miles long, but it’s been burning for years, and now the spark is almost down to the jet-black, highly explosive powder inside.
Chapter 16
May, Four Years Ago
Dear Paige,
I’m writing you a handwritten letter because I’ve got a suspicion that you’re not going to play me “The Pitcher” until you’re feeling less vulnerable about it, and the way to make you feel less vulnerable is to show you that I also can be. So here are my words, which you have on record to keep, to revisit whenever you feel like it, the same way I’ll want yours once you let me hear that song. They won’t be as pretty, but I promise you, Paige, they’re true.
Last year was a hard one for me. My dad was gone out of nowhere. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. My family hasn’t coped well, and I’ve felt distant from my mom and sisters ever since. When my elbow kept me from getting drafted, I had to pull my grades out of the gutter during summer school just to make it to junior year. I buried myself in schoolwork to keep the grief at bay, then buried myself in training with the goal of never seeing a senior year.
All of this to say, I wasn’t expecting you. I didn’t even have my head up looking around for you. Over the past year, the only people I’ve been considering are my family and me. But some force, perhaps the greatest force in theworld, stopped me in my tracks the day we met, and did it again at that party, like the universe was offering me a second chance. You have wholly uprooted me.
I’m not burying myself anymore, Bristol. I’m looking up, right at you. You’re the brightest thing in my life, and now, I’m so thankful for that elbow injury because without it, I wouldn’t know you.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in two months, and I don’t know what we’re going to do about it, but I do know this. All I do these days is consider you.
