“I’m afraid too,” Liam whispers. His eyes squeeze shut. “I just lost one of the most important things in the world to me. It’s gone. Because I ignored the signs, left the symptoms untreated, and then it got ugly and wrecked me.” He flicks his eyes open, his focus on me concentrating. “I’m not losing you the same way.”
“You don’t have to lose me at all,” I say fiercely.
Bargaining.
“We can forget about Belmont,” I whisper, stepping toward him. “If you never bring it up again, I’ll forgive, and you’ll forget,and we’ll stay in Knoxville until you graduate and then we’ll figure it out.”
His head cocks, suspicious. “Figurewhatout?”
“What we want to do.”
“You mean whatIwant to do, now that plan A is off the table.”
I shake my head. “Baseball was just one thing about you, the same way music is just one thing about me. We’ll focus on other things. We’re young, and life is so big! My dad raised five daughters and then moved to France in his fifties. There’s infinite possibility in our future, and I know you’re feeling wrecked, and unsure what comes next, but I’ve been living like this for a while now and I’m doing okay.” I manage a self-conscious laugh.
Liam’s jaw ticks. “Music isn’t a thing about you, Paige. Itisyou. I’m not saying it’s the only thing you’re good for, but the entire time I’ve known you, I’ve watched you walk through the world, perceive it, connect to it, in this one specific way. Refusing to nurture that instinct is you cutting yourself off from at least half of your ability to feel. And love. And grow. Not everybody is built that way—I’m certainly not—but from the bottom of my heart, I believe that you are. Please listen to your own instincts. Forget about all your sisters, your parents, Maisy, Evan—forget aboutme. No more being the tagalong. What the hell doyouwant?”
My hands ball into fists at my sides. I ignore his question, embarrassed, as ever, not to have an answer other thanYou, I want you.
“So, I was going to be in school, and you were going to play baseball, and we weren’t going to be together. Do I have that right?”
“It would’ve been up to you,” Liam says honestly. “I would have done anything to make it work. Anything. I still am. But why do you think I’ve been holding out all month admitting you’re the love of my life? Asking you to be my girlfriend? I didn’t want you prioritizing me ifyourgolden opportunity came calling and I was playing baseball in fucking Washington state.”
“Maybe that’s where my codependency comes from,” I seethe. “Other people’s belief that they know what’s best for me.”
He looks at me with so much sadness. “You don’t want to go to Belmont?”
I shake my head vigorously. “I donotwant to go.”
“You don’t want to get a free music education? You don’t want to be in community with other songwriters for the first time in your life? There’s no part of you that is even a little bit interested, even if you’re also scared?”
“There’s no part of me,” I say, “that is even a little bit interested.”
He doesn’t believe me. But he’s in that body andI’min this one. Andmybody wantsmymusic to stayjust mine.
“And you’re furious with me for doing this?”
“Furious,” I say.
“It’s the biggest breach of trust I could ever do to you?”
“The biggest.”
“Especially if I don’t regret it? And don’t plan on dropping it?”
I nod, sobbing quietly, knowing he’s leading this somewhere. “Yes, Liam,especially then.”
“Then are you ending this?”
There’s a challenge in his eyes, and now I’m trapped.
Because staying with him would be a spineless copout—unless I admit Belmont is something he wasn’t totally wrong about.
Unless I admit he helped me get something I actuallywant.
And promptingmeto be the one to end it is his way of sayingProve to both of us you’re not so codependent that you’d stay with me even though you feel like I irrevocably betrayed you.
I can’t forgive him. Ican’t. I forgave Maisy twice, and she deserted me anyway.
