Tae swallowed the lump in his throat and just nodded. It has to be, he thought to himself. His dad didn’t survive cancer only to get fucked up by a stupid car accident.
“It’s my fault,” he said.
“What? No. Why would you say that?”
He pulled his hand away from Julia’s and raked his fingers through his hair, tugging hard at the ends. He couldn’t listen to anyone trying to convince him otherwise.
“I told my dad they should celebrate his remission. I told him to take Mom out on a date. They’re not great drivers as it is, but they’re even worse in the rain. The only reason they were out, the only reason they left the house and got in the accident, was because of me. I was just in such a mood to pretend that things were normal again. And I wanted, for just one night, to not have to worry about them. To make them have their own fucking fun while I went to have mine. Fuck.” Tae’s logic was flawed, but he couldn’t help adding up everything with the only conclusion being that he could have stopped this from happening if he’d been home.
He saw Julia’s grip on the steering wheel grow tighter. God, he was an asshole. This was his fault and he was making it feel like it was hers too.
“Tae, you cannot put that on yourself. And you can’t keep your parents locked up in their home just because there’s a risk of them one day getting hurt. It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone. This is not your fault.”
“But it didn’t happen to anyone, Julia. It’s my parents. I take care of them. And it’s my fault.”
Tae knew in the back of his head he wasn’t making any sense. His parents were adults, and he was not their babysitter, nor even legally their caregiver. But he couldn’t help thinking that if he had been there, he would have told them not to goout tonight. That, or he would have driven them himself. If he hadn’t been all the way up in LA at Julia’s, he could’ve prevented this from happening.
It was a familiar feeling, to shut down, to blame himself, to get lost in the darkness. And it was front and center right now. Tae needed to be careful before he said or did something he’d regret to the one person he didn’t ever want to hurt.
“I’m so sorry, Tae. Let’s not invite worry just yet. Let’s just get to the hospital and see what we’re dealing with. I’m sure they’ll be okay.”
We.
She kept using the wordwe. Tae wasn’t used to having someone by his side through problems. He hadn’t experienced having someone want to help him. And he appreciated Julia being here, driving him down to the hospital even. But for her to tell him that it wasn’t his fault felt all too much like when Kari used to tell him he was doing too much for his family. No one understood. Maybe Tae didn’t even understand.
“You’re right, Julia. Just ignore me. I’m rambling because I’m freaking out. Don’t listen to me. I’m sure they’ll be okay.” Tae’s voice sounded like a robot to his ears. He wasn’t fooling himself, and he wasn’t fooling Julia. He still couldn’t turn to look at her.
Julia just nodded while Tae continued to bounce his leg and put all his focus on hoping they’d get there faster.
They pulled up in front of the emergency room forty minutes later.
“Go,” Julia said. “I’ll park the car and be in right behind you.”
“You don’t have to stay,” he said.Don’t stay.
“Go, Tae. Hurry. I’ll be right there.”
Tae ran through the doors looking left and right for his brother. Min was standing at the nurses’ desk nodding and listening.
“Min,” Tae called out.
“Hey,” Min said as he grabbed Tae and pulled him into a hug.
“Where are they?” Tae asked.
Min turned back to the nurse. “My little brother.”
“Hi. I was just telling your brother the update on your folks. Your dad is getting checked out by the doctor. Looks like he has a broken arm and possibly a concussion. We’ll know more when the doctor is done.”
Jesus, what more did his dad have to go through? Why was it always something? Couldn’t life just give him a fucking break for once? It wasn’t fair. “He just finished a course of chemotherapy,” Tae informed the nurse.
“Yes, we’ve got his chart here. That shouldn’t have any bearing on his ability to recover. Your mother’s injuries, however, were a little more severe. She has a couple broken ribs and a possible collapsed lung. It may require surgery to repair the damage. Her injuries are pretty straightforward, but it will take some time to recover.”
His mom would go stir-crazy if she wasn’t physically able to work all day around the house. If his dad had a broken arm, he wouldn’t be able to keep up with his landscaping work. Tae would have to step in full-time. He began making a list in his head of everything he would have to do to cover them for as long as they needed. Maybe get a walker for his mom if it was too painful for her to carry her own weight. Put up blackout curtains in their bedroom if the sunlight was too much for his dad’s concussion.
He balled his hands into fists, digging his fingernails into his palms. He released them and stretched them out almost painfully.
A hand folded into his, fingers interlocking. He looked down at their intertwined hands and wondered if the warmth of this embrace was worth what had happened to his parents.
