“What else was I supposed to do? I started dating someone. She was nice and she cared about me, and she wanted to get married, so I went along with it. I had no idea I would ever see you again or that you would still want me.”
“What were you supposed to do?” I echo disbelievingly. “How about not act like you’re single and that you want us to be together while you’re secretly engaged?”
“I made a terrible mistake, Kara. I should have ended things over the phone. I should have driven to her company retreat and told her face-to-face. I wish to hell I did. We’ve only been engaged for two weeks. We don’t even live together.” His eyes are pleading but I don’t care. He can’t justify this. I wrap my arms around my stomach as he goes on.
“I knew from that first night when we almost kissed that I couldn’t marry her. All our calls this week felt forced and awkward and I know she could tell—that’s probably why she’s here right now. I couldn’t tell her I loved her. I said we needed to talk when I got back. I promise everything was called off in my head—all I had to do was tell her in person.”
“Screw your promises! And what? Now you’re ready to ditch perfect, nice Madison who cares about you so much and who can’t wait to marry you? Does she mean that little to you?”
“No, she’s just...” He struggles to find the words until he says, “I have tried to move on from us. I tried but no matter what, I always looked for you, for what we had, in every person I’ve dated since you left, but it doesn’t work. Itcan’twork because they’re not you. No one will ever be you and you’re the only person who is right for me.”
He tries to move towards me, but I only move back.
“Is that supposed to make everything better? You say something romantic and I pretend this never happened?”
“No. I don’t know.” Ryan shifts around and runs his hands through his hair, pulling at it before facing me again. “I wanted to tell you. I promised Jason I would. I tried to do it a bunch of times but something always went wrong or you’d tell me not to say anything and I’d panic. No matter what, I was going to tell you after the wedding tonight but I never should have let it come to this. I was a coward. I knew that if I told you the truth, you would want me to leave and I didn’t want to leave you. I can’t. I know I’m technically engaged—”
“You’re nottechnicallyengaged, Ryan. You ARE engaged! Are you detached from reality?”
“And what about you, Sullivan?” he asks, suddenly stepping closer. “You’re the one who conveniently forgot to mention that you’re leaving the country for half a year.”
“Don’t you dare compare my trip to you being engaged.” I actually consider hitting him.
“I’m not comparing them. I’m just saying—yes, I messed up on a colossal level. I should have told you the truth. I shouldn’t have let anything happen between us until I broke things off with Madison. In almost every aspect of my life I’m a logical person, but when it comes to you, I lose my mind.”
Ryan moves to approach me again but then thinks the better of it.
“I told you we should keep our distance. I thought if I stayed away from you until after the wedding I could get my head straight and sort everything out, but then all of a sudden there you were at Jason’s and I was being shoved into your apartment whether I wanted it or not.”
“This is all real compelling but it still doesn’t explain why you’re a spineless sociopath!”
“What should I have done, Sullivan? Should I have blurted it out right off the bat? I know, I’d walk up to you when I first saw you at the party and say, ‘Hey, remember that girl I used to be friends with who made you completely miserable? The same girl you were convinced I cheated on you with? Yeah, I’m engaged to her now. You still want to catch up over drinks?’”
I shake my head and say nothing.
“I couldn’t have told you then. You would have instantly hated me, and from the moment I saw you all I wanted was to talk to you and be around you 24/7. In the space of one night I morphed back into the desperate twenty-year-old who was obsessed with you in college and who would do anything to keep you near me regardless of the consequences. I knew I was lying and I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn’t stop because stopping meant letting you go and I’m incapable of doing that. I always was.”
“I swear, if you don’t stop saying that all this happened because you care about mesomuch, I’m going to rip my ears off and shove them down your throat.”
“I thought I’d be able to tell you the truth without anything physical happening between us. I thought we’d spend some time together and then I’d explain my situation and deal with whatever happened in the aftermath. I’d break up with Madison as soon as I got home, and hopefully you’d be willing to talk to me again when you saw how serious I was about you. Maybe we’d be friends for a while before we became something bigger. We could start fresh.”
“Then why didn’t you do that?” I yell. “You seem to know exactly what you should have done, so what made you decide the better option was to drag me into a love triangle that I would never willingly choose to be a part of? You set us up to fail!”
Ryan steps back at my words. He swallows and sits down on one of the settees, leaning his elbows on his knees and covering his face with his hands. I have the horrifying instinct to comfort him but keep my feet planted to the ground.
He eventually lifts his head up, looking straight ahead and seeming torn apart.
“I thought I could do it,” he says quietly. “I thought I could be around you and keep my emotions in check, but I couldn’t. Being near you like that, staying in your apartment and seeing you every day, it felt like I was living out a fantasy that I’ve held on to for ten years, and I didn’t want it to end. I was afraid telling you the truth would ruin everything we started to build, but by not telling you, I didn’t just ruin it. I demolished it.”
I feel my lip starting to quiver and I look away as I swipe at a renegade tear. “You really are a great salesman. It’s almost like you believe everything you’re saying.”
“That’s because it’s true! For the past decade I’ve sworn that I was going to do things different from my parents. I didn’t want a relationship with crazy ups and downs. I was going to marry someone calm and steady and who didn’t expect or want some wild, over-the-top love story. I know that’s not what sells in your books but that’s what solid, stable families are built on.”
“If that’s the life you want then go for it! Don’t act like I’m the one who ruined your plans.”
“But you did!” he shouts, once again on his feet. “I had everything I thought I needed. I was with someone who wanted the same things as me, and after seeing you just once, I was ready to throw it all out the damn window. And the whole time, you didn’t even have the decency to tell me that you were going to be gone for six months.”
“Stop with the excuses! What are you looking to hear from me, Ryan? Yes, you’re right. Me not telling you about Italy after being unofficially back together with you for less than a week fully makes up for the fact that you have a fiancée. No worries, we’re even now.”
