“It’s not about us being even. I’m trying to explain that you and I weren’t just messing around before I went off and got married. From the second I walked into your apartment there was only ever going to be you for me. I was never going back to Madison. I was never going to love or want anyone but you. You mean the world to me and I would give up everything in a heartbeat if it meant that we could be together.”
“Right. You’d give up everything except for the truth.” Ryan stays quiet as I go on, “Well, you don’t have to worry about lying anymore because we’re over. I had a good life without you for ten years and I’ll have a good life again after you leave.” I feel like my throat is closing. My eyes fill with tears and I let them fall.
Ryan growls in frustration and moves his hands to cup my cheeks. “What do I have to do to convince you that I want to be with you?”
“Nothing,” I say, pushing his hands off me. “It’s just like you said, our relationship is what I write about in my books. Up and down and falling in and out of love. Everything that happened between us was fiction. None of it was real.”
“Stop! Itisreal!”
“No, it’s not,” I say. “And you know what? It’s totally fine because I was faking everything, too. I just needed you for an extra boost so I could finish my book. Why else would I have invited you to stay at my apartment?”
“I don’t believe that.” The tremor in his voice tells me just how much hedoesbelieve it. “And even if it’s true, I don’t care.”
“It is true. I used you and you used me. We can both walk away with a clear conscience.”
“No!” Ryan yells. “I know this—what we have is real. You have to listen to me.” He grabs me by my shoulders, nearly shaking me. He sounds crushed. Everything about him is begging me to accept that this is somehow all okay. “I love you.”
He loves me. Ten minutes ago, those words would have filled me to the brim with happiness. All they do now is drive home how selfish he is to say them to me in this moment. He’s giving me everything I dreamed of now that it’s impossible for me to keep it.
“How can you say you love me when you put me in this position? If I forgive you, I’m weak and a home-wrecker—if I don’t, I’m stubborn and spiteful. I lose either way and you’ve somehow made it my fault.”
I move back again but Ryan only follows, matching me step for step.
“Kara, I know I handled everything the wrong way but please don’t punish me for having a past. I want to be with you, not her. You shouldn’t make a life with someone just because you can. I get what my dad was talking about now.”
“Yeah,” I say bitterly, “and now you’re nothing but a pathetic cheater, just like him.”
I want to take the words back as soon as I say them. I’m sinking to a level I didn’t know I could reach. Now I hate myselfandhim.
Ryan is immobile. He looks broken. “I guess you’re right,” he says softly.
I cover my face with my hands, stifling a sob and wiping under my eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that but I’m pretty sure I’m in an altered state right now.”
Ryan gives me a pitying look and moves forward, reaching for me. I don’t know what comes over me but I fall into his embrace, tangling my hands into the back of his tux. Heat radiates off him and into me and I can feel his heart pounding against mine. I move my face back to catch my breath and before I can inhale, Ryan stoops down and kisses me. His lips are insistent and soothing and they convince me to forget about breathing.
For a second it feels right and good, a protective bubble inside a moment that is all sick and wrong. Then he squeezes me tight, so tight that the pressure jolts the last ten minutes back into my body like an electric shock.
“Don’t!” I beg, pushing him away. My face flushes red with anger and pain and the sharpest disappointment I’ve felt since my dad. “You need to go. You have to let me go.”
He doesn’t move, just stares at me. I can see he wants to wake up from this nightmare as much as I do. A minute goes by before he seems to acknowledge or accept what is happening.
“Listen to me,” I say, “we are not going to ruin Cristina’s night. We’re going to go back out there and pretend that none of this happened and then we will never see each other again. Do you understand?”
He doesn’t answer.
“I’m going to stay at Maggie’s tonight, so after the wedding go to my apartment and get—” My voice starts to quake just from saying his name in my head. I take a breath. “Get Duke and your stuff and leave.”
Ryan nods, staying quiet for almost a minute.
“I’m going to miss you so much, Kara.” His voice is strained. It’s hard to hear him and I wish I didn’t. “You were all I ever wanted.”
“I can’t do this,” I say brokenly. “Please go. I’ll come out in a few minutes.”
I don’t look back as I walk into the bathroom connected to the suite and close the door. I sink to the floor and push my head down against my knees.
Minutes pass and I finally hear the bridal suite door open, then close.
I peek outside and Ryan is gone. It takes a solid twenty minutes until I’m together enough to get back to the reception.
