I get lost in that—talking about tests and papers, research I’ve been doing for my psychology degree. By the time I’m through, I’m settled into my favorite little nook in the library, a spot on the third floor where there are a few dusty old armchairs that no one ever uses. My knees are drawn up to my chest, and the soothing “That sounds interesting, sweetie” that my grandma utters for what seems like the hundredth time lulls me into a sense of peace.
Which is probably why I accidentally let something else slip.
“I started a TA position.”
“Oh?” She perks up. “For what class?”
Oh.Oh, shoot. I didn’t mean to tell her about it, because I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to completely hide my… confusion… about the entire situation from her. I do my best to keep my voice casual when I answer. “It’s a theater class.”
The beat of silence that follows is pretty expected.
“Luca, I love you with my whole heart, and… I don’t mean to question your decisions… but didn’t you pass out in fifth grade when they made you get up on stage for your class play?”
I groan at the memory. “I don’t like being in front of people. Stage fright is perfectly normal.”
“Luca, you were atree.”
“I—” I can’t really argue with that. “It’s not the same thing.”
“It’s not?” She sounds genuinely curious.
I could tell her it’s worse, because I accidentally ran into my professor in a kink club I didn’t mean to go to… that I feel like I’m on a stage every time his eyes turn to me, because it’s a performance not to let him know he makes me burn from the inside. I could tell her a lot of things, but the words stay stuck in my chest.
“No. I’m mostly doing paperwork. Professor Levine wasn’t very organized before he met me.” I sound a little self-satisfied, a little smug knowing that I’ve definitely made his life easier on that front. And… the warmth that starts to blossom in my chest at the memory of how he’s told me as much has absolutely no place in my body while I’m talking to my grandmother.
“He’s lucky to have you then, Luca.”
Oh God. I really hadn’t meant to bring him up at all, but…
“I don’t know. I thought it would be good to add a TA stint to my resume for when I’m applying to grad schools, but it’s…”Confusing. Driving me crazy. Making my life—and other things—harder than it should be. “Distracting. I might drop it.”
Distracting is also a word that applies.
“Hmmm.”
My nose wrinkles at the sound, because Iknowthat sound. “Don’t hmmm me.”
“It’s just that I never knew you to quit something once you’d started, Luca.” If I ever needed proof that my grandmother is my parent more than my dad ever was, it’s the slightly disapproving but still affectionate tone in her voice. All he ever did was yell and call me slurs. “It sounds like he needs you, anyway.”
My entire face goes hot at the words “needs you,” because I know she’s not talking about what I’m thinking about. It’s even worse, because somewhere in the back of my mind, I know she’s right. It wasn’t like Dylan asked me to do this because he thought I’d be the best fit. He asked me because I was theonlyfit. I’m not even sure if Professor Levine couldgetanother TA at this point, and it’s kind of obvious that he needs one.
I sigh. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” she laughs. “I’m always right.”
The confidence in her tone finally pulls a chuckle from my chest. “Yeah, you are. I guess that’s why I called you.”
I hear her shuffling footsteps… and then the sound of pots and pans clattering. “I bet you haven’t been eating properly, have you? Always busy studying, and now a TA position.”
“I’m eating, Grandma.” Probably not as much as I should, and probably not as healthy as I should, but I’m eating. She’d probably take a tape measure to my waist when I went home to prove me wrong, but…
“I don’t believe you, Luca. I’m going to send a package to school for you. How does that sound?”
She phrases it like a question, but I can already hear her pulling things out of the refrigerator. If I close my eyes, I cansee it—the little room that always smelled like something was baking. Grandma with her warm brown eyes and her white hair, yanking on an apron, even though she’d still end up getting flour all over her dress.
It was a small house, but it was full of so much love… and that thought more than anything makes my body relax against my chair. “It sounds perfect to me. Thank you.”
“Of course, sweetheart. I’ll make sure to throw in an extra batch of cookies too, how does that sound? There’s nothing a few chocolate chips can’t fix.”
