I sink onto a flat rock near the cave entrance, wrapping my arms around my knees. My throat already grows tight before I speak.
“I miss you,” I whisper to the sky, the words slipping out like a prayer I’ve said too many times. “More than I can eversay. And I’m trying—” My voice catches, thick with emotion. I take a shaky breath, trying to push through the pain. “I’m trying, Kallan. I really am—”
The words come out raw and broken. “But it hurts, and every time I think of maybe letting someone else in, it feels like I’m replacing you.”
“It was easier before,” I admit softly, my voice barely a whisper. “When Koen and I were throwing insults and keeping our distance, pretending we didn’t care. Now…he’s gone and ruined all of that. He wants to talk about feelings, he wants to get close, and it feels liketoo much—like I’m drowning, Kallan. I don’t know how to let someone in again.”
I close my eyes, resting my forehead against my knees. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry for what I’ve become...I’m not the same person you knew and loved. I’m not the same princess who once believed in something greater. I’m…” I press a hand to my chest and fight to hold it together. “I’m weak. Broken. Jaded. If you could see me now...” I let out a jagged breath. “I don’t think you’d even recognize me.” Tears begin to fall. “But I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to keep pretending that I’m okay when all I feel is this endless ache, this—this emptiness that never leaves. I’m so tired of carrying it.”
I tilt my head back, looking up at the stars. “How do I let you go? How—how do I move on when you’re everywhere? When all of you is stillinside my every breath, my every step?” I whisper. The night doesn’t answer, and the stars just keep burning in their distant silence.
I’m not sure how long I sit there, but when the last of mytears driesup, I stand and brush the dirt off my hands. I linger a moment longer, staring up at the night sky. I hear the rustle of leaves on a nearby branch. When I look over, a bat is watchingme. I turn back to the cave, not acknowledging him or the fact thathe might have heard everything. Saw me weak and breaking. I am momentarily relieved when I hear him fly off instead of following me.
Inside, the dim glow from the embers cast soft shadows across Koen’s face. He looks different while he sleeps—younger, softer, without that guarded edge he wears when he’s awake. I stand here for a moment, just watching him. With the lines of his face more relaxed, his features look almost angelic in the firelight.
It catches me off guard. Something unsettling, yet undeniable, pulls at my heart. He’s handsome. More than I ever wanted to admit. His strong jaw, the way his hair falls slightly over his brow, and the way his lips twitch like he’s on the verge of smiling even in sleep. I find myself wishing he could stay like this forever, untouched by the world.
There’s a part of me that longs to liedown by him. To breathe in the comforting scent of leather and woodsmoke that lingers around him, while he pulls me close. Tell him that I’m sorry. That I didn’t mean what I said, and he has never been just another champion to me.
Instead, I force myself to look away. Lying back down on the far side of the cave, I pray to any god that will listen, to have mercy on me and let sleep take me quickly.
Chapter 21
?---- Koen ? ----?
I wake to the soft light of dawn spilling into the cave. The rain had stopped sometime in the night, leaving the air cool and still.
Serenya is already awake, studying the map. I watchher for a moment. Her eyes are lighter this morning—not bright, but no longer vacant and haunted like the night before.
“Morning,” I say, hesitantly.
She hums in response but doesn’t look at me. I can almost hear the war going on inside her head.
I dig through my pack, pulling out some of the rations. “Not the best breakfast, but it’ll do,” I say, passing her half.
She accepts it without a word. We eat in silence, the weight of it pressing on me. When she’s done, she brushes her hands together and says, “We should probably get going.” Her tone isn’t clipped, but it’s more guarded than it usually is.
“Serenya—”
She cuts me off, voice firm. “Not now.” She walks past me and out of the cave, not bothering to see if I follow.
I clench my jaw.I’m getting really tired of her doingthat.With a sharp exhale, I go after her.
When I catch up, I grab her arm—not hard, but firm enough to make her stop walking. “Will you stop that?”
She turns, feigning innocence. “Stop what?”
“Walking away every time I try to talk to you,” I grit out.
Her eyes narrow. “Ever think that maybe I just don’twantto talk?”
“I just—”
“Not everything is about you and your feelings, Koen,” she snaps. “You seem to forget where we are, and what you’resupposedto be doing.”
“Stop. Interrupting. Me,” I growl.
“Stop saying things that don’t need to be said.”
