Axel: But it’s your first LEGIT time in this group chat. And this time, you don’t have to worry about a cavity search if your phone is discovered.
Me: I never had a phone up my ass.
Axel: Sure you didn’t. It’s our little secret. *Winking emoji*
Blake: That’s not even medically possible, Axel. Your colon has a suck zone. Anything that goes past a certain point gets pulled up, and you need surgery to retrieve it.
Axel: Jesus. I have so many follow-up questions.
Jace: Here we go.
Axel: What the fuck is an asshole suck zone? Is it like the colon equivalent of a tornado? And what does it suck things up INTO? Does it ever hit your spine? *Tornado emoji*
Axel: Wait. More important follow-up question.
Axel: How many foreign objects have you had to retrieve from assholes?
Axel: [GIF of a man eating popcorn with a big smirk]
Blake: I swear to God.
Axel: What types of objects have you seen?
Blake: It’s more common than you’d think.
Axel: [GIF of a man rubbing his palms together]
Axel: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever retrieved?
Blake: A porcelain figurine of a saint.
Axel: WHAT?!
Blake: Saint Anthony. Patron saint of lost things. Ironic, really.
Axel: That’s the most poetic thing I’ve ever heard.
Ryker: Can you focus, you immature man-child? I’m sure Knox had a purpose to his text.
Axel: He did, but this is far more interesting. I just found out one of my best friends has a job that requires him to go fishing up assholes for foreign objects. You think I’m not going to keep this conversation going for at least thirty minutes?
Ryker: This is why I don’t feel bad about putting liverwurst on your favorite shoes.
Axel: You WHAT?!
Ryker: Just the faintest drop.
Axel: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! Rainbow chewed a hole in my shoes!
Ryker: I know. *Smirking emoji*
Axel: Those were my FAVORITE shoes!
Ryker: I know.
Axel: You stood there and watched me lose my shit, and YOU were the one who caused it?!
Ryker: You should’ve seen his tantrum, Knox. He looked like a toddler whose Lego tower got knocked over. *Baby emoji*
