The tip of my fake leg thumped rhythmically as I walked slowly, trying to wash away the thoughts and feelings threatening to spill over inside my head. I stopped at one of the many glass walls and stared out. A little smile pulled at the corners of my mouth as I watched thick flakes of snow drift down from a dark gray sky. The beautiful Rockies were stretched out for me to see, dense fir trees gaining a growing layer of heavy snow, the mountain ridges and peaks collecting it as well. The whole resort was built into the mountain range, and I wondered just how much time and money had been put into the place…and how they got the approval to do it.
I wouldn’t complain. The whole resort had an isolated feel, but in a comforting way. Standing at the window, peering outat the quiet snowfall, I could imagine I was completely alone. Sure, being alone was absolutely something I shouldnotdo, considering how badly my brain liked to act out when I was alone for too long, but right now, it was nice to think I was alone, staring out at the vista.
It didn’t last long, as I felt the familiar itch at the back of my head. What I wanted was to see Clay, to talk to Clay. When I’d met him for the first time at the Arete resort, I thought Clay was just a walking boner, more interested in getting into my very heterosexual pants rather than having anything worth getting to know. I knew better now; he became the only real friend I had since I’d lost my team years ago on what should have been a simple, last mission before we were brought back to the States to finish our contracts.
Life, though, was never that simple.
Clay was out of reach now, and not just because it was four in the morning, though that didn’t help. A couple of months ago, the demons inside his head had finally got the better of him. Rather than stay here, in a place focused on wellness and recovery, he had chosen to go into a facility dedicated to helping him heal…and keep him from hurting himself or accidentally hurting someone else.
He hadn’t come back to Arete like I had, and unlike me, he didn’t have access to a cell phone. I had spoken to him a couple of times since he’d started his treatment programs. The first time he’d seemed more on edge than usual but in control; the second time he had been irritable but trying desperately to stay in control, and the last time he had been quiet, withdrawn. I really hoped it was just a sign that things were going better for him, but I knew what happened when you were allowed to sit with your thoughts for too long.
My thoughts drifted to my family in Atlanta, and I felt the urge to call one of them. My younger brother maybe, who hadgotten through life with no serious problems like his big brother had. I never held that against him; having a better life than me was all I could hope for him. Maybe I could call my mother, who was constantly tired but was always there if I needed her. Maybe my father, a big man like me, also loud like me…but a good man, a warm one, who had worked himself to the bone for years to give me and my brothers a home and was always there, no matter how worn out he was, if one of his sons needed him.
Except…it was later for them, and my dad would probably be heading out to work. My mother might actually be catching a much-needed nap after waking up with my father, making his breakfast and packing his lunch.
My brother would still be sleeping, not needing to get up for a couple more hours. Hell, he might be sleeping off the night before. You could never predict when Dylan would go in search of a bed partner. The last time I’d called, some random woman answered, groggily demanding why I was calling so early. Lesson learned.
They had their own lives, which continued even though I was here, feeling like I was slowly losing my mind. That was both the gift and the curse of this place, you were isolated enough from the world that you felt trapped in time, but also protected in that same bubble. My life had come to a grinding halt a few years back, but theirs had continued, completely unaffected by the disaster mine had become. Not that they didn’t care, or didn’t worry about me constantly; they loved me and I them, but I knew better than anyone that their lives couldn’t stop because mine had.
No, I would not call them…but there was someone else I could call. Someone whose life had also paused after he’d come here in the fall and left before winter started. Someone whose life was slowly coming back together, but at his pace. Also, someone who kept odd hours.
“Four in the morning?” Isaac’s wry voice said after he answered on the third ring. “What are people going to think, you calling me at this time of night?”
I smiled. “I don’t hear any sleepiness in your voice. Guessin’ you weren’t sleepin’?”
“I was dozing, but not on purpose,” he said and grunted, making me roll my eyes when I realized he was lying. No one needed to stretchthatearnestly if they’d only been dozing.
“Ya can go back to dozin’,” I told him with a shrug. Isaac was special, and not just because he had somehow turned Clay from a slutty horndog into a love-struck idiot, but because he was really good at reading between the lines. Hell, considering what I’d seen of him in the past, he had probably figured out exactly what was wrong with me from the moment I’d spoken. “I don’t wanna ruin your beauty sleep.”
“Well, I suppose it’s a good thing I’ve got so much beauty it can take a few hits without suffering,” he chuckled. “How are things?”
“Snowy,” I said as I watched more flakes drift down.
“It is winter.”
“Says the guy who’s livin’ in the desert.”
“Yes, it’s beautiful. Fifty degrees out, and after the sun’s crept back up again, it’s supposed to get into the seventies.”
“I’d say don’t rub it in, but…ain’t like I gotta deal with the cold here either.”
“The advantages of being locked in a bunker,” he said with a snort. “Ah, that’s not fair, is it? I loved my time there; I even miss it.”
“Ya could always come back,” I told him lightly, knowing it was vital not to let even a speck of hope into my tone. Not only was Isaac the sort of person who would pick up on it, but he was kindhearted enough that he might do it just to make me feel better. It was enough that I could talk to him when I didn’t daretalk to anyone else, and couldn’t talk to my best friend, I didn’t need him to put the next stage of his life on pause just because I was having a near meltdown.
“I’ve considered it,” he said, and I fidgeted as he thought about it. “And maybe I will…one day. Not in the Recovery Program, but maybe the Rest one. It would be a nice vacation, but?—”
“But right now you’re tryin’ to get your shit together,” I said with a soft laugh that wasn’t necessary. “In a different way than when you were here.”
“Yes,” he said with a sigh. “Time moves here unlike… What’s funny?”
I had to force myself to swallow the laugh. “I wasjustthinkin’ about how it’s like bein’ in a bubble here. Kinda protected but also like…alone, locked away from the world.”
“I had a similar thought when I was there,” he said, his tone turning soft, and I braced for what was coming. “And don’t think I’m taking offense or that my feelings are hurt when I say this, but…I’m betting right now it wasn’t me you wanted to call, was it?”
The instinct to deny, to lie to him was there in a flash and holding on tight, but I pushed it away. If there was anyone I could be honest with, it was Isaac…well, and Clay, but that wasn’t an option right now. “No, sorry.”
“You had to throw in that ‘sorry’ despite it being unnecessary, didn’t you?” he asked, managing to scold but not really scold me, a trick I’d seen him do more than once. “He’s your best friend. The person you trusted more than anyone. The only people you trusted more, you lost.”
