I swallowed the lump in my throat, clearing it roughly. “Y-yeah. I guess so.”
“You guess so,” he repeated with thick irony. “You don’t have to go into details, any more than you did when you told me aboutyour squad…your other family. Don’t get me wrong; I’m glad you did. It’s always nice to be trusted, big guy.”
“I miss him,” I said, because that was a lot easier than admitting I still missed my team. That losing those men I had trained with, eaten with and slept beside, fought and escaped death beside repeatedly ate at me every day and sometimes, like tonight, their memory. The understanding that the hole in my heart was so large it tried to swallow me whole. “He, uh, no offense, but…he got it, ya know? I didn’t have to say much, and he didn’t either. We just…he got it.”
“Mmm, and there isn’t anything else eating away at you at the moment, right?”
“Right, of course. I miss my best friend. Isn’t that enough?”
“Cade?”
“Yes?”
“Normally I would keep this to myself because it’s useful to know for the future, but we’re friends, right?”
“I hope so.”
He chuckled softly. “When you’re desperately trying to hide something, you lose that accent. As a matter of fact, I could barely tell you came from the South for the past minute or two. And before you say anything, yes, I’m sure other people have noticed it too but were too polite or worried to bring it up.”
I stared out at the snowy mountainside just the other side of thick glass, able to see my reflection enough to stare at the shocked expression. “I didn’t…no one told me.”
“Right, well, I’m telling you,” he said, and I huffed when I could tell he was smiling that little smile that always made Clay get a dopey, love-struck look on his face whenever he saw it. “Again, you don’t have to talk about them. But I won’t pretend I don’t know that when you want to talk to Clay the most, it’s because you’re thinking ofthem. All I ask, and this is for your sake, is that you’re honest about it.”
“Yeah, well, of course I’m thinkin’ about them,” I muttered, not sure if I was irritated or embarrassed to be caught out.
“And when it gets bad enough, you want Clay around. But since he can’t be there for you, you called me.”
“Us.”
“Hmm?”
“He can’t be here for either of us,” I said with a frown. “I don’t know if you love ’em yet, but don’t forget, I was here after he left Arete. I saw how much it hurt, even if ya great at hidin’ stuff like that from other people. And I know it hurts not havin’ him there with ya, startin’ over.”
There was a pause. And with most people, I would have been worried that I’d said something wrong, but not with Isaac. I didn’t know if it was because he had spent years playing the perfect escort for clients or because he was just naturally patient and thoughtful, but he wasn’t the type to take offense easily. If I’d upset him, he would have said something.
“I’ve thought a lot about how I feel about Clay,” he admitted gently. “And I don’t know where I stand about being in love or that I could be in love with him. What we had at Arete was surprising, unexpected, and unbelievably wonderful. I know his feelings for me are what sparked his…” He sighed heavily. “I don’t want to call it a meltdown because that sounds so cruel.”
“But that’s exactly what it was,” I said, knowing Clay would have called it the same thing. His past that he’d never really dealt with was blurring into his present in ways that were too much to handle, and he would have called that a meltdown, a freakout, a breakdown, many things…but he would have said it in a way that wasn’t nice to him. I was saying it because that’s exactly what he’d done. “Wasn’t wrong, though. I think it would’ve happened anyway, just later. And if realizin’ that he had strong feelings for ya made it happen sooner…that’s a good thing.”
“I suppose it’s better to rip the bandage off sooner rather than later,” he said but his tone was reluctant, the voice of a man who wasn’t sure if he was ready to accept that his part in Clay’s current predicament was for the best.
“If it had happened without ya bein’ involved, it would’ve been a lot worse ’cause he waited so long,” I said, the words sounding right. “But ’cause he had ya there with him, it was hard on ya but it gives him somethin’ to appreciate after the hell he’s been livin’ in.”
“Does.”
“Huh?”
“He does have me,” Isaac corrected gently. “Being in a treatment program with minimal contact with the outside world doesn’t mean I’ve moved on…from him, at least. And when he moves into the outpatient part of his program, I’ll let him dictate how things go.”
“Ya know he won’t let ya just let him run everythin’,” I pointed out with a snort. “He’ll give ya holy hell for tryin’ that, after everythin’ you two went through.”
“And I’ll remind him of the same thing I’m reminding you of,” he said. “That my choice to wait for him to decide how he wants to handleushas no bearing on how I’m going to handle things about myself. I only had the chance to know him a couple of months, give or take, but it was the first time in a long time I remember feeling that intensely about someone…or trusting someone that much. There’s more than enough on my to-do list for putting my life back together that I have plenty of time before I have to consider the romantic aspect of my life. So, don’t start worrying about me. I’m well aware I need to make sure my needs and wants are also taken into consideration.”
“Sometimes it’s hard to understand how you ended up here,” I said with a shake of my head. “You’re so, I dunno, put together.”
“That’s because you don’t live in my head, and you didn’t get to see how lost I was when I came to Arete,” he said quietly. “Being there, isolated in that bubble as you put it, was what I needed to understand who I am under all the masks I put on for people. And then there was my relationship with Clay, which also helped because I could experience genuine passion for the first time in years…and yes, I know how much itthrillsyou to hear that.”
I grinned. “Aw, I didn’t care that you two were fuckin’ like bunnies. I just didn’t need ya doin’ that stuff in front of me. And it was kinda funny to mess with Clay about it…but it wasn’t just the passion, right?”
