I chuckled, nodding. “I used to think nothing was terrifying. Then I realized it was just...nothing. You were dead, you were gone, so there was nothing to fear. After all, you wouldn’t know, you’d just be...gone. Nothing left, no conscious part of you to realize everything was gone or that you were adrift or lost. Just you being gone completely. There’s a strange comfort to that. But I admit, I kind of like the idea that there’s more. That this life isn’t the only one we get, or at the very least, we get the chance to experience the peace so many talk about, as a reward for the bullshit that comes from living.”
“Yeah, well, if there’s a God or Gods, I got a few questions for them,” Clay said, wrinkling his nose. “I don’t think so, though. I think it’s nothing. It’s all nothing.”
It sounded bleak, but I wasn’t going to correct a man who was clearly suffering from depression. “Then that means being dead would fix it, wouldn’t it? You wouldn’t have to be you anymore, you wouldn’t have to carry whatever weight you’re carrying, and you’d be gone, just...gone. All your problems are gone, you along with them. So why not?”
I could see the way his head snapped toward me, but I kept looking out the window as he croaked out, “What?”
“I mean,” I turned to look around the room and settled my eyes on the big chair at the back. “This glass is thick enough to keep out the elements, but it’s not so thick that between the two of us we couldn’t break it, right? And right there, you’ve got two options. Pretty sure the glass would do the job if you wanted to go that route, just pick up a shard, a slice here, a slice there, and voila! On your way to oblivion. But I mean, if you don’t wanna go the messy route, there’s the express ride to the bottom of the mountain. You just have to find it in yourself to throw yourself over the edge, endure a few seconds of falling, and there ya go, problem’s solved.”
He stared at me, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide, before he shook himself and scowled. “What the hell is wrong with you? I tell you that shit, and you make fun of me?”
I glanced at him. “Who’s making fun? You think there’s nothing after death, and you’ve thought about ending it all so you can have that nothing. Well, even standing right here, there’s options to do that...so why not?”
“What the fuck are you even talking about? What the fuck are youdoing?” he growled, taking a step back as if I was suddenly radiating a poisonous aura.
“I’m pointing out that you’ve had options this whole time. And who knows how many options you had before? Pills, heights to leap off, knives, guns, and who the hell knows what else,they’ve got detailed instructions online,” I said, raising a brow. “So, why haven’t you?”
“Fuck off,” he hissed, turning.
“It’s a simple question,” I shot back. “Are simple questions too hard now?”
“This isn’t simple. This is bullshit, fuck you,” he snarled.
I stepped around him. “No, what’s bullshit is you talking like you want to die, like you’ve just been holding off, and I’m trying to figure out why. You’ve got so many options and so many chances. And yet here you are, arguing and getting pissed off at me rather than doing it, so again, why?”
“Get the fuck out of my way!”
“Answer the question and I will.”
“Fuck off!”
“No. Why?”
“Because you’re on my last nerve!”
“Why?”
“Stop!”
“Easy question to answer; why?”
“Stop!” he roared. I moved when he swung and took a step back when he followed up with another. I wasn’t surprised that he was trying to hit me, but I was a little shocked at the force behind it. The next swing almost caught me, and I had to scramble out of the way.
“Why?” I demanded as he whirled around and found I wasn’t close enough to hit.
“Because I don’t want to fucking die!” he bellowed. My eyes went wide when he grabbed the chair I had mentioned earlier, and I dove out of the way as he hurled it. It went nowhere near me, and I looked up as I heard a dull crack, looking up to see an impact pattern in the large window, spider web cracks blossoming out as the chair lay on the ground.
Clay though...Clay was crouched on the ground, his head between his knees, his arms over the back of his head, clutching it fiercely. I didn’t need to see the rapid rise and fall of his back to know he was breathing heavily; I could hear it in the silence that had followed his yelling. Taking a deep breath, I pushed off the ground and made my way over to him slowly. I wasn’t afraid of him, but I wanted him to have the chance to tell me to fuck off before I got too close.
He had to be aware I was there, but his shoulder still got tighter when I laid my hand on it. I crouched beside him, my hand sliding between his shoulder blades, and let him breathe through the moment. The sounds of his breathing were ragged and wet, and I continued to crouch beside him, listening but saying nothing as he slowly but surely calmed down and breathed normally.
When it grew quiet, I looked at him. “Say it again.”
“Stop,” he said weakly, not pulling his head from his knees.
“Say it again,” I said softly, rubbing his back. “You said it once, now say it again.”
“I...why are you doing this?”
