Dang, she was right, and she hadn’t even rubbed it in. I was being a chicken. I hadn’t even checked my text messages, knowing there were about a dozen from Noah I’d been too afraid to read. If I was going to be brave and proactive from here on out, I needed to face head on what was being thrown at me.
I scrolled up to where I’d left off and read down from there.
Jenny: Did you tell them to give me my promotion?
Fakest Noah Ever: Yes.
Fakest Noah Ever: But it wasn’t up to me. You were the best candidate. Britta was new. Hunter was too grumpy and set in his ways to run a department. People were already coming to you for help.
Fakest Noah Ever: Did you get a bump in pay with that promotion?
Fakest Noah Ever: I’ll take that as a no. Curt is such a cheapskate.
Fakest Noah Ever: Jenny. I’m sorry.
Fakest Noah Ever: Whenever you’re ready with more questions, I’ll be here.
And then there was a new one from last night, after the dinner party.
Fakest Noah Ever: If you don’t want me to come on Monday with Dan, I’ll understand. Whatever you need from me, I’m okay with it. Love you.
Ack. That love word. He sure threw it around easily enough. Did he really mean it? Did he really want to be with me? For real this time? And was that what I wanted?
All I knew for sure was that until I knew for sure, I couldn’t bear to hear how he loved me or see those words at the end of a text message. I glanced at Sadie’s retreating back and then quickly wrote out my response. And then deleted it, rewrote, deleted it, all while being careful about my trigger thumb finger. There would be no premature sends again. I finally decided to go with something formal and slightly snarky.
Jenny: See you in carpool this morning. Sadie would like me to remind you that Noahs should be seen and not heard.
His response was almost immediate.
Fakest Noah Ever: Of course. Last words from me this morning.
He was true to his word. He didn’t so much as look at me when Sadie and I jumped into the Chilivan. His eyes stayed on the road, and the only thing distracting he did was to look way too attractive. Even just seeing the back of his tan neck reminded me that I’d put my hands right there Saturday night while we’d done some spectacular kissing. My own neck started heating up just thinking about it.
“Back in the Chilivan,” Sadie mused. “I was hoping not to see the inside of this thing ever again.”
I shook my head at her, warning her not to make jokes. At least in a minivan we could stretch out our legs, and I was far enough away from Noah that I couldn’t smell his cologne. Not that I needed to. I had the memory of it fresh in my mind. And now I had a taste memory to go with it. Holy smokes, my thoughts were going to be the death of me. “Dan, don’t you have any Doritos or Nacho Bugles or Sour Cream and Onion jalapeño something up there? Crack open a bag.”
Sadie looked at me like I was crazy, but I just ignored her and grabbed the tiny bag of Cool Ranch Doritos Dan handed me and opened it.
“You hate those,” Sadie hissed. “What is going on with you?”
“Hate is a strong word.” I popped one in my mouth and decided hate was a great word. One chip was all it took. Now I had a different taste to focus on. I clutched the rest of the bag in my hands the rest of the drive, and every time I thought about kissing Noah I lifted up the bag and took a small sniff.
The second Noah pulled in, I got out and hurried up to my department, not eager to be interrogated by Sadie on the elevator ride about why I was sniffing chips. Now that I was away from Noah, I could get rid of my chip breath. I popped a piece of gum in my mouth as I hurried to my desk.
I had sent an email last night to Elena in H.R., Curt the V.P., and Tim the president of the company, requesting a meeting with the three of them, but I hadn’t received the response until just before we arrived. Elena had sent me a meeting invitation for ten a.m. That wouldn’t give me much time to prepare.
Sadie seemed to think they wouldn’t fire me, but I wasn’t so sure. After all, they’d handpicked me in this scheme because I was known to be weak and compliant. That was not going to be me today. My future depended on it, both in my career, and in everything else. I woke up my computer and printer while I pulled out my list of what I needed to bring to the meeting. Some of the spreadsheets I could share from my tablet, but the emails I wanted would be easier to quote from if I had them printed out and sections highlighted.
We didn’t have a team meeting scheduled, but I went around and let everyone know I’d be gone and checked on their progress. When I walked into Hunter’s cubicle, he was playing solitaire on his computer and didn’t even try to hide it.
“What now?” he asked when I asked him to close it up, his expression resentful.
I stared at him right back, and I saw the moment he realized I wasn’t afraid of him anymore. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and sniffed, looking a little less smug and a lot more defensive.
“I’ll be gone for a meeting this morning. That’s all I had to tell you. Enjoy your morning, Hunter. While you can. Email me if you need anything.” I turned and left his cubicle. Why did we have cubicles anyway? I mentally added rearranging our floor to the list of requests I had. I wanted to be more accessible to my team. More approachable. But that wasn’t just about moving walls. That would take a mental shift, and not just a physical one.
Blaming Noah for everything that had happened was easy, and didn’t require any introspection, but the truth was, I had been cautious before I ever met him, and while he certainly hadn’t made it better, he didn’t create it in me.
