Clarissa seemed like a distant irritation compared to thinking about going to work in the morning. And I couldn’t tell Lauren about that because it was too closely tied to Noah. My anger wasn’t doing a good enough job of erasing every good memory I’d ever had with him. Or all that kissing. Sadie was sooo wrong. Kissing Noah last night hadn’t gotten him out of my system. If anything, it had given my crush superpowers. Like Noah was now running through every vein in my body, so that my heart was more his than mine.
And yet I was so afraid to love him the way he professed to love me. He had taught me to never get my hopes up when it came to him. Memories were resurfacing all over the place, and they all needed reassessing. All his flirting and asking me out had been exciting but stressful. Especially because it wasn’t consistent. But after my boss left, Noah barely talked to me at all in carpool. He could barely look at me. And then he was gone. It was like our friendship had been swallowed up in all the awkwardness of us sort of dating, but not dating. I had been embarrassed and lonely, and I had turned all the blame for it inward because what other conclusion was there for me to make? I was grateful for the truth I had now. But couldn’t he have given me a little bit of it back then?
I was more careful on my second attempt in steering the conversation away from me, and I finally got Lauren to tell me more about her trip. The black sand beaches on the big island sounded amazing. They’d rented a Jeep and driven around the whole thing. Well, almost. A volcanic eruption made them have to circle back the way they’d come.
Eventually, I did curl up on the porch, needing the warmth radiating from the cement against my skin. I told Lauren goodbye and to definitely not come over right now. She and Clay were busy setting up their own house and didn’t need to come inspect Denver’s. Lauren agreed, but she promised to come help Sadie and I when we moved into our apartment in a few weeks.
“You have ants crawling in your hair.”
I shot up at the sound of Sadie’s voice, shaking my hair out while Sadie and Denver laughed at me. I must have really been out of it to not hear their car doors slam or notice them walking up to the porch.
“What are you doing out here?” Denver asked. “Is Stare-ton practicing the harmonica or something?”
Poor man. Sadie’s stupid nickname was rubbing off on all of us.
“No. I was just talking on the phone and fell asleep.” I glanced around and picked up my phone where I’d left it. A very confused ant was making circles on the surface of it, and I brushed it off before rubbing the back of my neck. Every twinge was a possible ant crawling on me. “Were there really ants in my hair?”
“No.” Denver studied me, looking concerned.
I couldn’t have that. “Where did you two run off to this morning?” I was perfectly aware Sadie and Denver never went anywhere together, but the insinuation worked.
Sadie glared over at Denver. “I went to Dan and Kim’s for breakfast. This man went to his beloved gym.”
Denver stretched his arms up slowly and groaned, showing off an impressive array of corded muscle. “Guilty.” He patted my shoulder as he passed me up and went inside. Sadie glared after him.
“Did you and Kim work things out?” I asked. Last night, Sadie had finally admitted that a few weeks ago she helped her niece dye the tips of her hair purple while babysitting one night, and Kim had freaked out. Sadie didn’t know her niece had purchased the hair dye with her own money and hid it from her parents.
Sadie nodded. “I told her I was sorry I hadn’t called and asked her first. And then I got a lecture about how I’m not a parent, and I don’t know how hard it is. Again. And then I apologized. Again. But I think it’s all finally over. On the bright side, I’m off the hook as their babysitter.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
Someday, I hoped Kim would see the Sadie I did. The one who was hurting in her own way and covered it up by pretending she just didn’t like apologies.
“So.” Sadie plopped down on the porch step next to me. “It is time, past time, actually, for us to talk about your game plan when you walk into work tomorrow.”
I shook my head.
“Come on, Jenny-girl, I don’t think you properly appreciate what you have here. You could cut Curt Holloway off at the knees. They are going to be running scared when they know you know. Curt runs around giving people kazoos with ‘Toot your own horn!’ written on the side and expects us to be all excited about it. Think of what you really want to ask for, and then do it. There’s nothing to be afraid of now. What are they going to do, fire you? Nope.”
“I still wish Noah hadn’t done it.”
“Agreed. But just because he started this doesn’t mean you can’t end it the way you want. If you could change anything about the way your department is run, what would you change?”
There were so many things. So. Many. Things. I didn’t have a list written out, but I’d thought about it enough that I might as well have.
“Okay, I can see the wheels are turning. Feel better?”
I nodded. I did feel better. Not enough to give Noah a pass or a pat on the back, but enough that my dread turned to anticipation with a side of terror. Maybe there was a bright side in all this.
Despite waking up the next morning before my alarm went off and staring at the ceiling for half an hour, I felt a lot more rested than I ever had with Clarissa. Sadie really did sleep like the dead. She didn’t snore or toss and turn. And yet the second her alarm went off she always jumped up and turned it off, as if she hadn’t been sleeping at all.
“Ready?” she asked me, looking over at me after turning off her alarm and seeing I was already awake.
“No. Could you do me a favor?”
“Sure.” She sat up and began making her bed. I got up and did the same. It was not something I’d ever been consistent in doing until I moved into the same room as her, but if she could make her bed every morning, then so could I.
“I don’t want to talk to Noah today. I don’t want the distraction.”
“Okay, I’ll help with that. But you should tell him yourself. She pointed to my phone. “Just text him, Jenny.” She turned and gathered up her things so she could go shower.
