Cole’s eyes met mine, startled and furious. “A fucking rebound? You goddamned asshole. I have been trying to maneuver you into a relationship for fucking weeks. Why do you think I dragged you into blackmailing Eva? I wanted you. I want you. I will continue to want you. You’re my best friend, and I want your cock so bad, I can practically taste it, and you’re right. That fucks me up really fucking bad, as bad as anything else going in my shit life right now.”
My heart stopped.
Cole swallowed hard. “Every time I watched you with Eva. Every time you smiled at her like she hung the fucking moon.” His voice roughened. “I wanted you to look at me like that too.”
My heart started beating again. His confession hit me so fucking hard. Cole Carter, who took whatever he wanted without apology, had been waiting for me to notice him.
“So yes, I want this,” he said. “So fucking badly. And it’s not because of Eva. And it’s not because I’m looking for an escape. It’s because—” He cupped my cheek. “It’s because you’re my better half.”
Cole stepped away, swallowing hard. “But if you don’t want this, if I’m fucking wrong, if I misread the looks and the way you kissed me in that hotel—” He closed his eyes,his expression transforming into one of pained longing. “I’ll walk away right now. I swear it.”
“I want this,” I affirmed, nuzzling my nose into his palm. “But I can’t do it until you’ve sobered up.”
Cole stepped back, his face furious again. “You’re putting conditions on our fucking relationship?”
No. Fuck. No. Yes.“I can’t,” I said, my heart breaking again. I was going to lose my best friend. Fuck!
“Okay,” he said, swallowing. “I’ll stop drinking. I’ll stay clean. For you.”
“No,” I snapped, drawing back. “You have to do it foryou. Fuck, Cole, I want you. I need you. You’re not imagining anything. But I can’t?—”
He closed his eyes. “I’m not good enough yet. I get it.”
“No!” I surged up out of the couch, shoving him back a step until we were chest-to-chest, emotions high, both of our eyes gleaming.
I didn’t know how to explain that I couldn’t handle this right now. Couldn’t handle his addiction again, couldn’t handle trying to untangle how to help Eva, couldn’t handle Cole missing her, him not understanding that he had to change for himself.
He was a hot fucking mess. We both were, longing for a woman we didn’t deserve, with no idea how to be the type of men we wanted to be. “Promise me,” I rasped. “Promise me that this isn’t an even worse decision than blackmailing Eva was.”
“I can’t—” he said, stepping away, his eyes shimmering before he looked away. He swallowed again. “I can’t promise that at all.”
The vulnerability in Cole’s eyes killed me. I couldn’t bear to see him hurting like this. He already had my heart, goddamn him, just like Eva. I cupped his face, dropping softkisses on his cheekbones, his nose, and his lips, only for him to capture my mouth again, devouring me. He pushed me back into the couch then followed the line of my jaw with his lips, biting and licking until he reached my ear.
I shuddered then shoved his shirt up so I could run my hands over his chest—cut, tattooed, stunning. His skin burned under my palms as I mapped the ridges and valleys of his abs. I’d seen him naked hundreds of times, but nothing compared to this, being able to touch him, to revel in the feeling of his skin beneath mine.
When my fingers skimmed over a nipple, he swore softly then shoved me down so I lay on the couch, one leg dangling off. He straddled me, grinning as he reached down to tweak my nipple.
“Oh, fuck off,” I said, shoving him backward.
Still smiling, he held a hand out to me. “Let’s go to my room.”
We raced up the stairs, shoving and laughing as we discarded our clothes until I slammed him against his door, locking it behind him, and trapped him as I stole a breathless kiss that turned tender.
My best friend, a man who’d never once made me feel like I was less because I had less, who’d saved me from myself time after time, and he wanted me as much as I wanted him. I couldn’t say no to him. I didn’t want to say no, even though a voice in the back of my head screamed that I should.
His cock pressed against mine through our sweatpants, and he reached his hand into mine to stroke against it. “Fuck, Cole, I’m going to come in my pants if you don’t stop that.” The immediate devilry that appeared in his eyes made me back away.
“Don’t you dare,” I growled.
Cole dropped his pants, and I did the same. He groaned when he saw me, running his fingers up the bottom side of my cock, tracing the barbells there. “Fuck, I forgot.”
I had to ask him, had to know how much care to take.No. I had to take care no matter what. But suddenly, I was desperate to know if I was his first. “Have you?—?”
He stalked me to the bed. I could have resisted—we were the same size. If he was an inch taller, I was an inch broader, but I was enjoying the desperate need in Cole’s eyes.
“Have I what, Tristan?”
“Done this before? With a man?”
