Twenty-three
Things started moving fast once Craig was given the okay to come home. Ramps had been rapidly built for the wheelchair access he would still be needing for a good while yet, and there were renovations to the bathroom and changes to the bedroom. Bel helped Emma as much as she could, taking on the painting and whatever else needed doing before Craig’s arrival. Underneath the excitement, there was an air of apprehension lingering. For Emma, Bel suspected it came from worrying over how her family was going to adapt to this new dynamic, and maybe even how their marriage would change.
Bel knew nothing would ever break the two of them up—there had never been a more perfect couple created—but life as they knew it had been shaken to its core, and things were bound to have changed.
For Bel, the apprehension came from the knowledge that she could no longer put off facing her own dilemma—what did she want to do with the rest of her life?
Her concern about giving Bert his notice had thankfully resolved itself when his son had called her, asking to terminate the lease. The fall had impacted Bert’s ability to live alone and the family had decided he should move closer to them. Bel assured his son she didn’t want him to pay out the remaining time on the lease; she was just relieved she didn’t have evict an elderly man.
She should have been happy that everything seemed to be falling into place. Her house was now vacant, which gave her somewhere to move so she could get out of Emma and Craig’s hair, but she found herself inexplicably annoyed. It felt like the universe was trying to funnel her in a certain direction when she wasn’t even sure she wanted to go that way, which made no sense at all.
‘My offer still stands. Move in here, with me,’ Dean said after they’d finished dinner and were sitting on his couch half-watching a reality show one night.
Her heart thudded a little more heavily against her ribs at his words. Part of her desperately wanted to accept, but another part of her was remembering the parallels between this situation and the Tate disaster, which she’d first seen that night at Glentoberon with her family. A flutter of panic began to rise again, dulling the excitement.
‘You don’t want to,’ he surmised after the silence stretched between them a little too long.
A small throb began to build behind her temples, and she massaged her fingers against them. ‘I’ve been putting off figuring out what I want to do ever since I got back here. Now, suddenly, there’s all this pressure to make a decision.’
‘But you’ve liked being back here?’
‘I have.’ She’d found herself seeing her hometown through new eyes and falling in love with it, maybe for the first time. Growing up in a place, you sometimes took it for granted, and never really learned to appreciate it as outsiders did. Coming back, she’d realised how special this town really was.
‘You can’t deny that these last few months, taking care of the kids and being together … it’s been good. Right?’
‘It’s been great,’ she said, smiling gently.
He gave a slight nod. ‘I don’t want that to end. I want kids of my own … with you.’ He held her gaze steadily.
She knew he did, and it scared her that, deep down, she wanted the same thing. Only …
‘No,’ she blurted nervously. She shifted on the couch and moved away, getting to her feet. ‘I can’t. I don’t know anything about being a mother.’ All of a sudden, everything felt claustrophobic, like the walls were beginning to close in.
She saw confusion slide over his face. He stood up and opened his hands, palms up, inviting her to explain. ‘You’ve been awesome with those kids. You’d make an amazing mum. We made a great team.’
‘But itwasn’t real,’ she stressed. Just like her stupid manifesting list of her perfect man hadn’t been real. ‘We were just playing happy families. It wasn’t reality. Before all this happened, I was starting to live my own life. I had a business that was flourishing, that I’d been working hard to build.’
‘You can still have your business. You said it yourself, you can work from anywhere.’
‘You don’t get it. I’m back where I started. I was supposed to leave anddosomething with my life … but here I am, back in Wessex.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with Wessex. Coming back doesn’t mean you’ve failed.’
‘It doesn’t mean I’ve succeeded either.’
Dean stepped back. ‘I’m sorry this town isn’t enough for you. ThatI’mnot enough for you.’
His words hit her with unexpected force, but not enough to make her take back what she’d said. She wasn’t even sure what it was she was feeling—her emotions were jumbled and chaotic. She needed some space and time to try to sort through them. ‘I can’t do this right now.’
‘Okay,’ he said, sounding almost defeated, which made her feel even sadder. ‘Let me know when you can.’ It was impossible to miss the sarcasm, but she knew that underneath it he was hurt.
Bel blinked rapidly as she stared through the beams of her headlights on the narrow road back towards Emma’s. Everything was unravelling.
Craig’s welcome home was set to be as heartwarming as a welcome home could get. The kids had slaved for days over a huge WELCOME HOME, DADDYbanner and enough cards to put a Hallmark display to shame. The chook pen had had its final coat of paint and was ready for its grand unveiling. Emma had returned to Sydney two days earlier to bring him home, and the house was alive with anticipation.
It had been three days since Bel had seen Dean and so far nothing had been resolved. Part of her wanted to call him and say yes to all his crazy ideas—yes, she wanted to move in with him and yes, she wanted to have his babies—but another part kept throwing up reminders of her past mistakes, the disasters that had resulted from listening to her heart instead of her head. All those stupid giddy feelings she’d had with Tate and the way she’d been so sure he was the manifested man of her dreams.What an idiot. She couldn’t trust those kinds of emotions when making a life-altering decision. This was too important to mess up.
Bel heard Jack barking at an approaching vehicle and knew even before the kids’ announcement that Dean had arrived. Although she’d braced herself to see him, her pulse still gave a little leap of excitement when he appeared at the front door. Proof of how much she let her hormones influence her judgement, she tried to tell herself. Still, a rush of sadness flooded through her when he looked ather before quickly turning away and beginning to play with the kids.
