‘I only work one or two days a week now, darling, for the express reason that it allows me to be with you as much as possible.’ Annie made it sound like her greatest pleasure and Eve experienced such a powerful stab of guilt she was surprised it hadn’t skewered her to the wall.
‘Well, you needn’t bother. I don’t need you here. Either of you.’ Max cast a pointed look in Eve’s direction. ‘I’ve got things to talk about with Felix that I don’t need you listening in on.’
‘There’s nothing you can’t say in front of us, is there, Eve?’ Annie didn’t wait for her to respond. ‘In fact there’s not a thing you could do or say that would make us want to be anywhere but here with you.’
There was the guilt again, stabbing so hard this time that it made Eve catch her breath and all she could do was nod mutely. As if that somehow made it less of a lie than saying yes out loud.
‘So Max is making good progress, Felix?’ Annie’s tone made it sound more like an expectation than a question, but Felix’s smile was undimmed.
‘I’m making you work hard, aren’t I, Max?’
‘Too fucking hard sometimes.’ Max gave another unrecognisable laugh and Annie wagged a finger at him.
‘We don’t use language like that, Maximus. We never have.’ Annie’s use of Max’s full name had always made Eve want to laugh before the assault, but now nothing about Max made her want to laugh.
‘For Christ’s sake. Everyone says fuck. Everyone except you.’ The petulant teen was back, but Felix did his best to defuse the situation.
‘I’d say we can see all the hard work starting to pay off, especially with the physical rehabilitation and adaptative techniques. I think if you keep working at this pace, Max, you should be on track for that move to the bungalow.’ Felix never spoke about Max, always to him. It was something Eve had noticed from the outset and she appreciated it, she hoped Annie did too. As for Max, she had no idea if he noticed or even cared these days, but the old Max,herMax, would definitely have done.
‘That’s excellent.’ Annie gave a little clap of her hands, genuine delight spreading across her face. ‘It’s another step along the road and, who knows, we could be back to making wedding plans by this time next year.’
‘Who knows.’ Even to her own ears, Eve’s words sounded dull and unconvincing. As she caught Felix’s eye for a moment, he gave just the briefest, almost imperceptible shake of his head, as if he knew as well as she did that they wouldn’t be planning a wedding this time next year. They wouldn’t ever be planning a wedding again, because the one person who wanted that even less than Eve did was Max.
‘Why are you still crying for God’s sake?’ Max’s irritation would have been obvious even if it hadn’t been spelt out in his words and Eve’s heart felt like a lead weight in her chest. She was sure if she’d been floating in water that she’d have sunk to the bottom and would never have been able to make it back to the surface.
‘Georgia lost her mum and she’s devastated.’ Eve could barely get the words out, her throat burning from the effort of not bursting into the kind of noisy sobs that would probably have pushed Max over the edge, but she was powerless to stop the silent tears rolling down her cheeks and he was clearly infuriated.
‘She just works here, she’s not your friend and you didn’t even know her mum, so why are you so upset?’ Max looked at her with such disdain that she wanted to cry again. What made it worse is that he’d have been the one person she could have gone to in the past, who would have given her unconditional love and support, and he’d have understood why this had hit her so hard without her having to say a word. Georgia, one of the carersat Oakwood Park, was back at work for the first time after her mother’s death. It had been sudden, a heart attack, not cancer like Eve’s own mum – and Georgia was in her early twenties, not fourteen as Eve had been – but she’d still felt a powerful bond of understanding when the young woman had burst into tears upon seeing Eve, and they’d exchanged a hug.
‘I just miss her so much already and no one is ever going to take her place. How am I supposed to get through the rest of my life without her?’ Georgia had looked at Eve helplessly, clearly desperate for her to impart some wisdom that would help ease the pain, but sometimes there were no words. Eve still had to try.
‘You’ll always miss her and wish she was here, but she will be in lots of ways. I still remember things Mum used to say to me when I’m struggling with something, and it’s like she’s still around giving me advice.’ Eve had squeezed Georgia’s hand.
‘Thank you. You’re so kind.’
‘Can we go now? I want to eat the food before it gets cold.’ Max had cut in. ‘I hate it when that happens. There’s nothing worse than soggy chips.’
For a moment, Eve almost laughed with incredulity at the bitter irony of his words. She’d been comforting Georgia after a terrible loss, but Max genuinely couldn’t think of anything worse than soggy chips from the takeaway that Eve had just driven him to collect. There was nothing funny about it, though, and her heart broke at the way Max had acted. There was no point telling him, now they were back in his room, that some of her tears had been for Georgia, but some had been for herself. The young woman’s sadness had brought back feelings that Eve tried so hard to push down, about the pain of losing her own mum. She wanted a hug and for Max to tell her it was okay to cry, the way he would have done before the assault. He’d have held her and reassured her that as much as she missed her mum, and as hard as the years after her death have been for Eve, she had him now,and his family, and she’d never have to feel alone again. Except that was never going to happen, instead Max gave another heavy sigh as he looked at her again.
‘Are you going to answer me? I said why are you so upset when you don’t even know the woman who died and you barely know Georgia. It’s ridiculous.’
‘Do you remember when we talked about empathy, Max?’ The voice behind Eve made her jump and she turned in surprise to see Felix standing in the open doorway.
‘Yeah, yeah.’ Max rolled his eyes. ‘I’m supposed to practise it as much as I practise the physical stuff, but I just can’t see how being upset for someone you don’t even know makes any sense. People have too many emotions in my opinion. Especially Eve.’
‘I’m just going to get some air.’ Eve all but pushed past Felix on the way out, leaving him to continue the conversation with Max. She was embarrassed that he’d seen her like that, with such raw emotion spilling out of her, and that he’d overheard at least part of her conversation with Max. She knew there wasn’t much privacy at Oakwood Park, and the door to Max’s room had been open, meaning that anyone walking down the corridor could have heard, but she still wished it hadn’t been Felix. She wasn’t sure quite why the idea bothered her so much, but it did. She felt ashamed that he might have overheard her vulnerability and Max’s rejection of her feelings. Felix knew Max was her fiancé and he probably felt sorry for her, or worse still judged her for her relationship with Max. She’d had to get outside and take some big gulps of air to try and regain control of her emotions. But even five minutes later, having walked backwards and forwards across the lawn in front of Oakwood Park House, her throat was still burning and she knew more tears could come all too easily.
‘Are you okay?’ Felix’s voice caught her by surprise for a second time and, even though she’d fully intended to nod, she shook her head.
‘I’m sorry. I know it’s silly getting so upset like that over Georgia’s news and then getting even more upset about Max’s reaction, but whenever I hear about someone losing their mum it just brings back the feeling of losing mine.’
‘There’s nothing silly about the way you reacted and there’s definitely no need to apologise. You’re an amazing person, Eve, and Max is really lucky to be surrounded by so much love and support, but I know he doesn’t always see it that way.’ There was such warmth in Felix’s voice, it was almost like being wrapped in a hug, and to Eve’s horror she found herself imagining what that might be like. She hadn’t felt anything close to amazing in a very long time, that was the only reason Felix’s words were affecting her so much. Desperately trying to shake the unwanted thought off, she nodded mutely, and Felix continued. ‘It must be incredibly tough at times, dealing with the impact of the TBI on all of you.’
Eve wished she wasn’t so familiar with the language that surrounded Max’s injury. A TBI was shorthand for Traumatic Brain Injury, which was what he’d suffered. Sometimes, in the wake of the assault, she’d even wished she wasn’t a doctor, then she might not have known quite how extensive his injury was and that the changes in Max’s personality were lifelong. She might still have had hope, if she was in some other occupation, but just lately she seemed to have next to no hope left.
‘I know it’s not his fault, but he used to have so much empathy. He’d have been the first person to hug Georgia and he’d probably have cried too. Maybe not in front of her, because he’s right, this is her grief and not mine, but he would have done later. Her sadness would definitely have touched him, but now… He says it’s because he barely knows Georgia, so why would heget upset, but he knows me and I find it so hard that he can’t even be there when I need him any more.’
‘When someone’s empathy is affected in that way, it can be one of the toughest things for loved ones to cope with. That’s why we work on it in all the forms of therapy we offer patients who’ve had a TBI. Some people with frontal lobe damage can never regain cognitive and emotional empathy, but we can work on developing compassionate empathy. It’s the form of empathy that focuses more on actions and behaviours, rather than feelings, so it tends to be something people with TBIs can get their heads around a bit more easily. All of the professionals working with Max are trying to incorporate that into his therapy, so I don’t want you to think there’s no hope of things changing.’
