‘It’s not Max, is it?’
‘No… well, yes, in a way I suppose it is.’ She looked at the floor for a moment, needing to get this out all in one go and not wanting to see anything in his expression that made her hesitate or doubt her decision. ‘I love Max and I always will, but there’s never going to be a me and Max in the way there used to be. He’s changed so much and he doesn’t want that, but the truth is, neither do I. I still want to be a part of his life and his family, but I can’t be his fiancée any more and I think we need to let him dictate how much involvement he wants me or any of us to have in his life. It must feel like all his free will was taken away after the assault and, to be honest, it has felt like mine was too.’
‘Eve, you don’t need to?—’
She cut off his response, desperate now to get everything off her chest. ‘I’m sorry, Nigel, but please can you just let me finish what I need to say and then we can talk about it? Because if I don’t do it now, I might never do it and I don’t think I can carry on like this.’
‘Sorry, yes, of course, go on.’ She still didn’t look at him, instead focusing on a family photograph in pride of place on the wall of the hallway. It had been taken three Christmases ago,when Max had still been Max and she’d been by his side, at the centre of his lovely family.
‘I need to allow myself a fresh start, a new life that still has Max in it, but just in a very different way. I met someone I really liked, I thought…hopedit would be something serious and I finally found the courage to admit to myself that I wanted that again, to love someone and be loved in the way that I used to have with Max. It hasn’t worked out, but it’s opened my eyes to what I really want, the chance to start over. I know it won’t upset Max, he doesn’t see me the way he used to, and I think he’ll be relieved not to have that pressure on him. What scares me is the thought of losing the rest of you. This family has been the only family I’ve really known since Mum died and you mean the world to me, you really do. I know if I’m no longer Max’s fiancée then I’ll never really be family, but I hope that doesn’t mean?—’
‘Sorry, but no. I can’t even listen to this.’ It was Nigel’s turn to interrupt and his tone was sharp, her stomach sinking like a stone as she finally looked up at him and saw the expression that had clouded his face. ‘I have never heard anything so ludicrous in my life and I can’t believe you’d think for one moment that we’d ever want to turn our backs on you.’
It took a moment for Eve to process his words and relief flooded through her body as he held out his arms, pulling her towards him, not seeming to care a bit that she still resembled a wet dog. ‘Of course you’re family and you always will be. You’ve done more for us than we could have expected of anyone, even if you had been our daughter. I know it was you who saved Lily when she was at a point where she didn’t know which way to turn, and it was you who was there for Annie when she hit her lowest point and I had to work. I can’t believe you even have to question that and, if it was an option, I’d bloody well adopt you now if I could. Whatever it takes to make you realise you’re a part of this family for good, I’ll do it. And I’m pleased as punchthat you met someone who helped you see you needed to have a life of your own, even though Felix must be a complete idiot not to want to hang onto you until his dying day.’
Shock that Nigel had picked up on the situation already, rooted Eve to the spot and as the tears streamed down her face and burned in her throat, she couldn’t seem to find her voice. She wasn’t sure she’d ever felt as unconditionally loved as she did in that moment, but there were so many emotions racing through her head and she was struggling to process them all. The utter joy that Nigel had reacted this way, the fear of what Annie might think still lingering, and the sadness of all that she’d lost with Max and now with Felix. But when she finally managed to speak, there was one thing she had to find out.
‘How did you know I was talking about Felix?’
‘Because anyone with eyes could see it and I find it impossible to believe that the way he acted around you wasn’t real. The only time I’ve ever looked at a woman the way Felix looks at you, is when I’m with Annie, and I’d walk through fire for that woman. God knows over the last couple of years it feels like I have.’
‘Oh, Nigel, I know how hard it’s been for you, but you’re amazing. The rock that holds the whole family together.’ Eve couldn’t think about Felix right now, or what Nigel had said about him. It was too much for her. Maybe he’d only ever been meant to be the catalyst for change, just as Gwen has said, but she couldn’t focus on the prospect of him not being a part of her life any more. Her sadness about that would just muddy the waters, when right now she’d to keep going with what she had started; finding a way for life to begin again, without losing everything she valued about her old life. ‘How do you think Annie’s going to take it, me moving on?’
‘It’ll be an adjustment, but she’ll get there, I promise.’ Nigel pulled back from her slightly. ‘I don’t want you to worry aboutthat, because when she’s feeling better, I’m going to be giving Annie a few home truths of her own to think about. She can’t destroy the rest of her life focusing on hating Brandon Moorcroft and losing out on a relationship with you, or Lily and our grandchild, because her bitterness is stopping her from seeing the good that’s still all around her. I read that article you sent me about the restorative justice and I want to see if we can go ahead with it, whether Annie wants to be a part of it or not. We all need to find a way to move on and be as happy as we can be. You’re right about Max, too, he needs to have a say in what that looks like for him.’
‘You’re the best dad he could ever have asked for, you know that, don’t you?’ She managed to smile through her tears and he nodded, a broad grin suddenly lighting up his face.
‘Yeah, I know, I’m absolutely awesome.’ He laughed. ‘Just don’t forget it, because I’m also the best bloody dadyoucould have asked for, and I’m not going anywhere. You’re never getting rid of me.’
‘Thank you.’ It was all she could manage as a fresh crop of tears filled her eyes and she buried her head against his chest again. The first step to making a change had gone far better than she could ever have hoped, but she knew the road ahead might still get very bumpy. Whatever happened, there was no turning back now. Her new life was about to begin and nothing would ever quite be the same again.
22
Eve and Nigel had decided to wait until Annie was further along in her recovery before Eve had the conversation with her about the need to begin moving on. It wasn’t a delay tactic this time, it was just a way of protecting Annie while she was still unwell, in much the same way as they’d decided to protect Lily from the news of her mum’s accident during the early weeks of her pregnancy. When Annie had insisted on going back to her favourite restaurant, Bocca Felice, for her birthday, just two weeks after the accident, Eve’s heart had sunk. It was the family’s ‘special place’ according to Annie and it had been, once upon a time. Now, going back to the place where Max had proposed, just felt like another attempt to play act that everything was fine. She knew it was because Annie loved Max, but in truth her failure to accept him as he now was, and adapt to that, was misguided at best and cruel at worst. Despite his seemingly thick skin, there was still a risk that Max would always feel less-than, and it was time to celebrate the things that made him who he was now.
They all needed to learn to laugh at the dry one-liners he could deliver like a stand-up comedian, instead of cringing andthink how the old Max would never have said most of those things. Yes, his comments these days were sometimes near-the-knuckle and inappropriate, and often directed at the expense of a family member, but if they didn’t laugh they’d spend the rest of their lives crying and that wasn’t good for Max or for them. His idea of a good night out also looked very different now. There was an American-style diner in Port Tremellien that played loud country music and had virtual reality games, which no one could beat Max at. Eve had taken him there, three days after telling Nigel about what had happened with Felix.
‘You’re doing it all wrong.’ Max had rolled his eyes, as she tried again to get a score on the board with the virtual reality axe throwing, but he’d been laughing as well. He wasn’t frustrated or impatient, he just found her lack of skill amusing and they’d had more fun together than they’d had since before the assault.
‘Can we do that again?’ he asked at the end of the night and it had taken her by surprise. It had been the first time he’d made a direct request to do something with her in as long as she could remember, and for a moment panic had gripped her that finally drawing a line under what they’d been to one another might hurt him.
‘Of course we can.’ She’d forced a smile and then decided she couldn’t just leave it there. She had to know how Max felt. ‘Do you love me?’
‘You’re all right.’ His tone had been so deadpan it had made her laugh.
‘Thanks. You know I love you, don’t you?’
‘Yeah, but I’m great.’ He’d shrugged and she’d laughed again.
‘You are.’ She hadn’t been sure how to word her next question, or even whether she should. If it confused Max or upset him, everything could come out in a way they hadn’t planned for and Annie would discover the truth before she was well enough to hear it. Eve had to get this straight in her head,though, and she had to know that Max was going to be okay with this. ‘Do you remember when we got engaged?’
‘Yeah.’ His expression had given nothing away.
‘We were going to get married. It should have happened three weeks after you got injured. That would have been almost two years ago now.’ She’d bitten her lip, knowing there’d be no going back when she asked the next question. ‘Do you wish we could still get married?’
‘No!’ He’d looked at her as if she’d suggested he might want to eat his dinner off the pavement, the lip curl giving away his feelings even if the words hadn’t made them abundantly clear. ‘I don’t ever want to get married. I just want to be able to play my games in peace and not have to sit on the sofa and talk to someone else when I don’t want to. And I want a dog. That’s it.’
‘Fair enough. That sounds like a good plan to me.’ She’d squeezed his hand then, relief flooding through her body. It hadn’t even crossed his mind to ask her what she wanted and she’d been glad about that, because she wasn’t ready to admit to herself yet just how much she did want that – a married life, her own family, even the simple mundane bits that clearly sounded boring as hell to Max. She had no way of knowing if any of that would happen for her, if she’d ever find someone who didn’t feel like second best after what she’d planned for with Max, but she knew now that it was at least possible. She’d thought it might be Felix, but he’d backed off completely the last two weeks, only really keeping in touch with ‘How are you?’ texts, the way he might do with any colleague. She might never find someone else, but knowing she had the freedom to open herself up to the possibility had been like a huge weight lifting. Now there was just one last hurdle to cross, and it came in the shape of Annie.
