‘We couldn’t reach her after that. She stole from us and abused us, and rejected our offers of help, time and time again. We had to step back and hope to God she’d find the will to come back to us and ask for the help that would have been hers the moment she was ready to accept it, but it never happened. Sometimes Merri was incredibly difficult to love, but none of us ever stopped, and the only comfort I have is that I’m sure she always knew that. If Merri touched your life, and I’m sure if you’re here today that she did, try to hold onto that and the good memories you have of her. Remember her at her best, not her worst, and please try not to question if there was anything you could have done, because believe me we tried everything. Merri wouldn’t want anyone to blame themselves, at least not the Merri she was when her demons were at bay. She’d want us all to live our lives to the fullest, the way she never quite could.’
Turning towards the coffin one final time, Ashleigh had laid her hand upon the lid again, her final words choking in her throat. ‘Love you, sis, fly high and free at last.’
Nothing anyone else said could top that and it had taken until the end of the service for Felix to be able to swallow down his emotions enough to be able to speak.
Now that he was at the wake, both Ashleigh and her parents had thanked him for all that he’d done to try and help Meredith.When he attempted to object and tell them he wished he could have done more, her father, Don, held up his hand.
‘No, you couldn’t. We all wanted to find the thing that could have prevented this outcome, but I think it was somehow written in her DNA from the start. This was always going to happen, no matter what we did. Beating ourselves up about it won’t change that. The only comfort we can take is knowing that Merri’s battle is over at last. She was exhausted from fighting for so long, but now she’s finally at peace.’
Felix nodded. ‘I thought the same thing. She tried so hard for so long.’
‘She did.’ Don’s eyed filled with tears. ‘I couldn’t imagine ever wanting her to give in and just let go, but her torture is over and, in some ways, so is ours, because we know where she is now and that no one is hurting her. I try to take some comfort from that, even though in another way the torture is just beginning. The chances are we’ve got decades ahead without our baby girl, and Ashleigh has to face the rest of her life without the big sister who was by her side from day one. I’m just so grateful we’ve got Ash and Alicia, and that the babies will be here soon. If we hadn’t had them, I think I’d have lost it completely, and I’m not sure I could have found the strength to carry on.’
‘I know for sure I couldn’t.’ Ashleigh’s mum, Deanna, dropped her head onto her other daughter’s shoulder as she spoke, snaking a hand around her waist, and despite their obvious pain, the heaviness in Felix’s heart lifted a little. When families suffered a loss like this it could widen the chasms that already existed, or it could bond those left behind all the more tightly. It was clear which way it was going to go for Meredith’s family and that was something else to be thankful for.
For the next twenty minutes, Felix stayed talking to them and remembering the good memories he had of Meredith before theyshared another round of hugs, more tears, and promises to stay in touch.
‘I’d love you to come and meet the twins when they arrive,’ Ashleigh said, after she’d hugged him. ‘But I only want you to do that when you’ve moved on with your life. If I think you’re still holding on to any negative thoughts, because you’re labouring under the misapprehension that you could have done more for Merri, I’m going to kick your ass so hard you won’t be able to sit down for a month.’
‘Is this an insight into your parenting style?’ Felix laughed and she grinned in response.
‘I’ve got twins coming, so I’ll be doing whatever it takes!’ They hugged again then and she held him so tightly for a moment that it was a struggle to breathe, but it felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders, when she whispered one last bit of advice to him.
‘Grab all the life you can, Felix. We’ve got to live ours twice as big now, and twice as hard, for Merri. We’ve got to take the second chance she turned her back on.’
‘I will.’ Even as he said the words, he hadn’t been able to stop himself thinking about Eve. And when a text came through from her, as he walked back towards his hire car, Ashleigh’s words were still fresh in his mind. Eve’s message asked if he’d mind Max’s sister and her boyfriend joining them for dinner, and he didn’t hesitate to reply, telling her that he’d love to meet them. He knew Eve could never let go of the life she’d shared with Max and he didn’t want her to. All he wanted was the chance to be part of it and he hoped tonight might be the start of that. The kind of connection he felt with Eve didn’t just come along all the time and he wasn’t going to walk away from the opportunity to discover where this could go, otherwise, he’d already be breaking the promise he’d only just made to Ashleigh.
Lily and Scott had taken them to dinner in Sausalito, on the opposite side of the bay from San Francisco, a beautiful little town stretched out along two miles of shoreline. They ate at a seafood restaurant in the harbour, watching the sunset give way to the twinkling lights of downtown San Francisco, as they began to light up the skyline. It was a romantic destination without a doubt, and Lily and Scott were in the sort of loved-up bubble that sometimes accompanied impending parenthood. Eve watched as Lily rested her head on Scott’s shoulder, and he placed a hand over hers, where it rested on her non-existent bump. She’d admitted to Eve during their lunch together that she had no intention of telling Annie or Nigel about the baby until she was as certain as she could be that nothing could possibly go wrong. Eve didn’t need to ask why she’d decided to keep quiet. Annie couldn’t take one more blow, and Lily couldn’t become responsible for her happiness again either. So for now, it was a secret Eve was only too happy to keep.
The meal had been wonderful and the company even more so, with easy conversation and lots of laughter between the four of them. Scott had commented that he hadn’t known before coming to the UK that there were so many different accents in such a small country. Felix had made them all laugh, and taken Eve completely by surprise, by being able to do every accent that Scott had been able to name, taking in all four countries of the UK and at least six different regional English accents. He seemed to have an endless capacity to surprise her, and it felt so lovely having the chance to get to know him even better, away from all the pressures of home.
‘Felix is great.’ Lily looked at Eve’s reflection now, as they stood side by side in the restroom at the restaurant. ‘Max would have loved him.’
‘Maxdoeslove him.’ She paused from re-applying her lipstick and met Lily’s eyes in the mirror. ‘Felix is Max’s occupational therapist.’
‘I know he is, but I meant the old Max.’ Lily bit her lip, clearly struggling not to give into the emotion that was never far away when they talked about Max, and Eve reached across and squeezed her hand.
‘I think he would have too.’
‘Felix must be incredibly patient doing a job like that and, if he’s built up enough of a relationship for Max to love him, he must be a bit of a miracle worker. Not to mention having a very thick skin.’ Lily glanced down, focusing on her hands for a moment, before looking at Eve’s reflection again. ‘He hasn’t seemed to like anyone or anything all that much since the assault.’
‘Things are settling down a bit and Max definitely has good days if he’s allowed to spend time doing the things that make him happy, they just don’t look anything like his good days used to look. He has his favourites amongst the staff at Oakwood Park, and the medical professionals who work with him, but maybe love was the wrong word. He really likes Felix, though, and that’s helped him make a lot of progress recently.’ Eve shook her head. ‘I know your mum’s a bit worried about how Max might react when the funding for OT with Felix runs out, but we’re working on a plan. In the meantime, one thing Max definitely does love is his gaming. It’s mostly me he seems to find infuriating.’
Once again, Eve hadn’t meant to be that honest. She’d been so determined not to say anything that might make Lily feelguilty, but it had felt so good to talk to someone who accepted that the old Max was gone forever.
‘I think you remind him of what he’s lost and that must be so hard.’ It was Lily’s turn to squeeze her hand this time. ‘You’re such a kind person, Eve, and you’ve done so much to support Mum and Dad, but I’m not sure whether it’s good for Max to still have you around all the time if seeing you makes it harder for him to feel content with the way things are now. And it’s definitely not good for you.’
‘I can’t just walk away.’ Eve wanted to cram the words back down her throat, the moment she saw the hurt on Lily’s face. It hadn’t been an accusation, or a comparison between them, and the last thing she’d wanted was to make Lily feel bad. So she had to try and explain. ‘Your family have been the only family I’ve known since my mum died. Max might not want me around any more, but I don’t want to lose any of you.’
‘You wouldn’t, and maybe you just need to give Max enough space to miss you, in this new version of your relationship, but you’ll never lose me whatever happens.’ The tension had left Lily’s face and she squeezed Eve’s hand again. ‘I’m certain Mum and Dad wouldn’t want to lose you either.’
‘It’s a risk though, isn’t it? If I’m no longer Max’s fiancé, I’ve got no claim to be a part of your family.’
‘You don’t need a title when you’ve got history.’ Lily turned to face her. ‘And everything in life is a risk. I could spend my whole life feeling terrified that something might happen to Scott, after what happened to Max. Or that something is going to happen to either one of us, or both, now that we’re going to be having a baby. But what’s the alternative? To stop taking chances, to not fall in love, or start any new adventures? Or do I try to build a life that makes all the risk worthwhile? The old Max would be as mad as hell if he thought he’d played any part in you deciding tolive your life in a way that means you can avoid all the risk, but miss out on all of the rewards as well. And so would I.’
‘You’re supposed to be the little sister.’ Eve smiled. ‘How did you suddenly get so wise?’
‘It must be the hormones.’ Lily laughed and pulled her into a hug. ‘Just promise me you’ll start taking some risks again and living your life, and that you’ll start with Felix.’
