‘Do you know the worst thing about Meredith’s death?’ Felix pulled away slightly, their eyes locking as she shook her head again. ‘It’s that a part of me is relieved. I think I always knew this day was coming and I was waiting for it and dreading it, but now it’s happened, I’m finally free. Whatever you might have thought in the past, you must admit that makes me the worst person in the world.’
‘I refuse to believe that.’ Tears had filled her eyes now too. ‘Because if the idea of wanting to be free earns you that title, then you’re going to have to share it with me.’
15
After Felix had told Eve about Meredith’s death, he hadn’t been able to face going back into the ball and she’d promised to explain the situation to Eden and Drew.
‘I had no idea he even had a serious girlfriend out in San Francisco.’ Eden had looked like she was struggling to process it all after Eve had recounted the story, including the background to his relationship with Meredith, which Felix had given her permission to share. ‘Let alone that he was with someone struggling with addiction. I feel awful that he didn’t think he could confide in me.’
‘It wasn’t that, he just didn’t want to give you anything else to worry about.’ Eve hoped her tone had been reassuring, but it was Drew’s arm around Eden’s shoulders that had seemed to give Felix’s sister the most comfort, and the wise words he’d imparted next had also clearly helped.
‘Sometimes it’s easier to confide in someone you don’t have all that shared history with. Felix would have known you’d worry about him, the same way he worried about you when you met Jesse, because of what happened with your mum.’
‘I suppose.’ Eden had nodded and turned back to Eve. ‘But it looks like the two of you have got pretty close, quite quickly.’
Her tone had been hopeful rather than accusatory and a huge part of Eve had wanted to be honest with her new friend, but that would have involved revealing far too many of her own secrets. Instead she’d shrugged as casually as she could manage.
‘I was just in the right place at the right time, that’s all, and I think because we’ve worked together at Domusamare, he knew I’d understand the sort of problems Meredith was facing.’ She’d hesitated then, not sure whether to tell Felix’s sister just how worried she was about him, but unable to stop herself. ‘What I think you’ll understand far better than I ever can is the guilt he’s feeling about not being able to save her.’
Felix hadn’t expressly given her permission to share that part of the story, but he hadn’t asked her to gloss over it either. Her decision to tell Eden how he was feeling wasn’t because she wanted to gossip, she’d been genuinely concerned that he wouldn’t be able to shake off the idea that he was somehow to blame. She’d known from personal experience that children often blamed themselves for their parents’ behaviour. She’d done it often enough herself, believing that something she’d done had caused her father’s cold indifference, or her stepmother’s outright dislike. It meant Eve knew there was a good chance that growing up both Felix and Eden would have felt responsible for their mother’s actions, and that the desire to save her was probably what had influenced them choosing partners like Jesse and Meredith. The cycle seemed to be broken for Eden, but she was worried that Felix wouldn’t be able to stop blaming himself and his sister was the probably the only one who could pull him out of that.
‘I couldn’t save Jesse either, but I had to give him the space to decide whether or not to save himself. None of this is Felix’s fault.’ Eden’s words had proven to Eve that she’d been right.If anyone could make Felix see that he wasn’t responsible for Meredith’s death, it was his sister.
‘Will you speak to him and make sure he’s okay?’ She hadn’t been able to keep the concern out of her voice and Eden had nodded, before narrowing her eyes.
‘Of course, but are you sure there’s not something you aren’t telling me?’ She’d cocked her head on one side then, her eyes never leaving Eve’s face. ‘I think there’s more between you and Felix than just the fact that you were in the right place at the right time.’
‘I really like him and maybe if we’d met at a different time…’ It had been more than Eve had meant to say, and she’d found herself with no way of ending the conversation without at least trying to give a reason why things couldn’t go any further between her and Felix. ‘The last thing he needs is another relationship and you know that things for me are… complicated. You will keep an eye on him, won’t you?’
‘Of course I will, but you know, sometimes, when a person dies, it’s a reminder of just how short life can be.’ Eden had locked eyes with her and she hadn’t needed to spell out the message; she thought Eve should act on the feelings that had developed between her and Felix. She could understand why her friend might think that was the obvious choice, but Eden had never been completely alone, in the way Eve had been before Max’s family had taken her in, so she’d couldn’t ever comprehend just how much was at stake.
Now, three days had passed since the ball and Eve still hadn’t seen Felix, although they’d continued to exchange texts. He’d thanked her for being there in the wake of the news and she’dsaid she was around any time he needed to talk. His response had been typical of Felix, not wanting to put a burden on anyone else.
It’s so kind of you to offer, Eve, but the last thing you need is me bending your ear when you’ve already got so much on your plate.
She’d fired off a response before she had time to rethink it.
It’s the least I can do, when you’ve done so much for Max. I really am happy to listen, any time.
He hadn’t taken her up on her offer and when she’d arrived at Oakwood Park to find him there, she’d almost turned around and gone back out again, feeling embarrassed at having put herself out there. It was stupid to think his reaction had anything to do with her personally, though, especially given the real problems they both had in their lives. So she’d painted on a smile, as she stopped in the reception area to talk to him.
‘How are you doing?’
‘Okay.’ The smile he’d attempted to mirror hers with didn’t fool Eve. She could see he was still wrestling with his emotions. ‘I’m just trying to fit in some extra sessions with a few of the residents here, because I’m taking a week off to fly out to San Francisco for the funeral.’
‘You’ve decided to go then?’ It was a stupid question, given the fact that she’d overheard him telling his friend, Karl, on the night of the fundraiser that he was planning to go out there, and she couldn’t have justified why the thought bothered her so much. She wanted to tell herself it was because she thought facing the stark reality of Meredith’s death might not be good for him, and that it could exacerbate his feelings of guilt. Thatwas true, but there was more to it. What she didn’t want to acknowledge, even to herself, was that she would miss him and that she couldn’t shake off the nagging fear that he might decide not to come back.
‘I wasn’t sure if I should. But what is it they call it? Closure?’ He attempted another half smile. ‘Although I think I might call it acceptance, and I need to go there and say goodbye, before I can get that.’
‘I hope you find it.’ Lowering her voice she leant closer to him. ‘Maybe I should get you to take Annie. That’s where Lily lives and I know she’s desperate to see her mum. It would do Annie the world of good to see Lily, too, but it’s like they’re at an impasse, both of them digging their heels in.’
On the day of Sophie’s overdose, Eve had shared more of Lily’s story with Felix than she’d told anyone else. Even her closest friends back in Leeds only knew a tiny potted version of all the things that had happened since Eve had moved to Cornwall. Yet she’d told Felix how scared she’d been for Lily, after Max’s sister had confided in her that sometimes she went to bed and wished that she wouldn’t wake up. After Max’s head injury, Lily had admitted to feeling like she was drowning in her mother’s expectations. When her boyfriend, Scott, had told her he’d be returning to the US for work, it had been the final straw and Lily’s withdrawal into herself had been terrifying. He’d wanted her to go with him, but at first Lily hadn’t seen any possibility of that being able to happen. But there was one thing Eve hadn’t even told Felix yet.
‘It was me who told her to go with Scott.’ She met his gaze and took another deep breath before continuing. ‘She told me she couldn’t go, that there was no way she could leave Annie, but I told her she had to, because I didn’t want to lose her as well and I promised I’d make sure that her mum was okay.’
‘You’re pretty amazing, do you know that?’
‘I’m no saint. They’re my family and I only did what anyone would do for family, especially after everything they did to welcome me in when I met Max. Lily knew her mum wouldn’t take it well, and we both knew there was a good chance it might permanently affect their relationship, but she had to get away. Otherwise I really do think I could have lost her.’ Eve tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. ‘Annie took it even harder than we thought and she told Lily if she left that she was choosing Scott over her family at a time when they needed her most. I tried to reason with Annie, but Lily begged me not to tell her it was my idea for her to go, or about the promise I’d made to be there for Annie. She said if I did that Annie would turn against me too and then there’d be no one to keep an eye on her mother.’
