Ahmed frowns, like he’s thinking deeply, then delivers a sassy bitch-slap right to my jaw.
‘Um, ow. Why?’
‘Because it hasn’t ended,’ Ahmed says squarely. ‘Did we ever tell you about our friends Celeste and Kieran? They bought us that bonsai tree in the garden for our wedding. An old hippie couple – straight, but we liked them anyway.’ Ahmed smirks. ‘Kieran got terminal cancer, and we travelled with them to Big Sur on his last big adventure before his time ran out. I said something like what you just said to me, something sympathetic to Celeste, and sheup and slapped me, too. She and Kieran had this take that, in a long-term relationship, the years either wear you down and make you drift apart – which does end your love – or they make you pull tight and grow closer. Celeste and Kieran decided that if you die still loving each other, then your love didn’t end.’
Ahmed grinds his knuckles into his eye sockets aggressively, an unexpectedly masculine gesture from him, like he momentarily forgot himself, then he re-emerges, blinking, with a half-smile. ‘I remember me and Curtis thinking that was sweet, but just a way of coping with loss,’ he admits. ‘Now I’m in Celeste’s boat, it’s how I feel, too. Curtis died while we both still loved each other, so our love hasn’t ended. It can’t.’
30
REAL BLOKE
HAMMER
‘… because I was trying to cover up … that I’m gay myself.’
You could hear a pin drop in the West Coast Eagles conference room. Nobody knows what to say.
Facing me at the table are Doug, my brother; Roo, the coach; Sniper, the captain; Wookie, my manager; Tessa, our publicist; and Oshy, my nemesis.
Wookie clears his throat and states the bleeding obvious. ‘This woulda been useful to tell us when the shit was hitting the fan, Hammer,’ he deadpans.
‘Yeah, my bad,’ I concede.
‘Well, mate, it explains a lot,’ Roo says.
‘You could’ve saved the club alotof heat,’ Tessa says. ‘Not to mention your own reputation.’
‘Hang on, I think Hammer’s reputation is still golden,’ Wookie says. My contract negotiation is still foremost in his mind. ‘He’s your leading goalkicker, close to the top of the Coleman leaderboard, and he’s already shown his contrition, let’s not forget.’
‘My brother wasn’t ready to come out,’ Doug interjects. ‘You can’t fucken give him shit for not being ready.’
I love Doug for that. Not just for defending me, but for dropping the wordfuckenin a corporate meeting. The mechanic in the conference room.
‘Fair enough,’ Roo says, sharing a look with Sniper. ‘Hammer, we would’ve had your back if you’d told us.’
‘Hundred per cent,’ Oshy says.
‘Yeah, probably,’ I say. ‘But I didn’t know how people would take it.’
‘Way I see it,’ Sniper says. ‘You’ve always been one of the boys, and you always will be.’ He offers his hand to me. ‘Nothing changes that.’
I shake his hand. ‘Cheers, Skip.’
Tessa grabs her phone. ‘Well, this is ultimately an excellent outcome,’ she says. ‘We can spin something very negative into amassivepositive.’ Her eyes are shining like she’s won the lotto: the same look Hardwick had when he first caught me out on air. ‘The first out AFL player, and he’s one of ours.’
‘No,’ I say firmly. ‘I don’t want that.’
Tessa splays her hands, confused. ‘I don’t follow. You’re coming out, aren’t you?’
‘I wanna come out to the people who matter,’ I tell her. ‘My club, some teammates, my family. Not the public. Once people know, they treat you different. I don’t wanna be your diversity poster boy. I still don’t want a Pride Guernsey, okay? The rainbow thing doesn’t make me feel included: it makes me feel separate. Or included in the wrong group. Like being gay means I’m different. What makes me feel part of this team is pulling on the blue-and-gold Eagles jumper the same as everyone else. Like Sniper said: one of the boys. That’s all I wanna be.’
Tessa’s face falls. Her lotto win turned out to only be two bucks. ‘I mean, I understand if you choose not to come out and I respect that – it’s your life, not ours …’ she says, deflated. ‘But the Pride Guernsey is a club-wide initiative, not dictated by one player.’
Roo folds his arms. ‘Tess is right – we have an obligation to do these inclusion initiatives …’
‘Uh, isn’t that sorta mental?’ Doug interrupts. ‘If you’re the only club with a gay player and he’s point-blank telling you he doesn’t want it, shouldn’t you fucken listen?’
The room goes silent for a beat.
