“Not even Paul?”
He laughs. “Paul doesn’t wait for explanations. Paul is a force. He plows forward like a bull, crashing his horns into anything and everything that gets in his way. He never needed my help. But no, even if he did, I wouldn’t have obliged. Power isn’t something you teach, it’s something you learn.”
“Well, you just said you’re going to teach me, so…”
“I’m going to teach you the ‘what,’ not the ‘how.’ But you don’t need the ‘how’ because you’re with me. I’m your ‘how,’ Little Baby.”
I blow out a breath that only happens in my mind. But I understand what he’s not saying just as well as I do what he is. He wants me to know him through his power. This is a very typical thing in a controlling relationship. And I’ve been in quite a few of those, so I’m on guard here. He wants me to need him. So no, he’s not going to teach me how to get out of the Darkness. He’s going totake me. So I am in debt to him.
But, of course, I don’t say any of that out loud. He can read my thoughts, anyway. “So… are you trying to tell me that I’m special?”
“Yes.” And even though he hasn’t got a face and I don’t have to see it, I hear him smiling. “I understand—at least, I’m trying to understand—that what happened to you… what I did to you… it was…”
“Unconscionable? Abusive?Evil?”
“No. It was careless. And I care for you, Little Baby. So I’m going to make up for my misguided actions when you took my Darkness into yourself.”
If I had eyebrows, they’d be hiked up on my forehead right now. “Misguided actions? And did you just blame me for what you did?”
“Did I?”
“Yes! That was a rhetorical question. Look.” I sigh. “I get it. You’re in control. You’re the big, powerful Darkness. You’re the insane vampire. And I’m a high school dropout with pink hair who gave up my eternal soul because Lucia wanted to fuck my boyfriend and make him drink her and I was so insecure, and my self-image so damaged, that I would rather get in on that and follow him to a vampire’s lair into the pit of Hell, Montana, and become a halfbreed than bealone. But I”—I point to myself. Well, I would, if I had hands and a body—“I am not responsible for what you put me through. And if you think I don’t remember? And I’ll just forgive and forget because I’m carrying your stupid Dark Baby? Well.” I huff out some air. “You’re mistaken, mister. I might be a coward, and a dropout, and a pathetic example of an empowered woman—but you know what else Iam? A grudge holder. And you’re not getting out of this that easy. I’m damaged!Damaged! And I… hate you.”
There. I said it.
What he does with this outburst is his business. He might torture me. Or leave me here. Or… something worse. Because it can always get worse. But I don’t care. I said what I said and I mean it.
So I say it again. “I hate you.” And then I just let it all spill out. “I will never love you. I will never love this baby. I’m going to trick you into… I dunno. I’m gonna kill you, I think. And this baby. And then myself. Because… you’re… you’re…inhuman! And I’m going to blame you for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life and I’m gonna feel pretty fucking good about that. I’m gonna absolve myself of all responsibility and?—”
He’s laughing.
And I’m fuming. “What’s so fuckin’ funny? There’s nothing funny happening here! I am literally pregnant with a demon’s offspring, I live on blood and sex, and I’m standing in the dark pit of Hell itself.There is nothing funny happening here!”
But instead of answering me, he hugs me. His arms wrap around me, and he pulls me close, and I can feel him, so we’re real now. I can feel his body against mine and it’s… nice.
It’s really nice. This hug, it’s a genius move on his part. Like 5D chess move, or whatever. Because it works. I like it. And I never want him to let me go. Because no one has ever loved me. Ever. And even though he’s a demon, and he’s evil, and he’s not even human, even though he’s given me demon blood and put a demon baby inside me… I don’t care right now.
Iwantthis hug. I need this hug. And if I could make it last forever, I would.
“Open your eyes, Little Baby.”
“Why? There’s nothing to see but Darkness.”
“Open them.”
So I do. And I’m wrong, of course. Because I’m never right about anything. We’re still in the Darkness, but there’s a purple mist now. Not a thick one, but it’s enough to give meaning to the endless eternal infinity of emptiness.
“Where would you like to go, Little Baby? On Earth, I mean.”
“A real place?”
“A real place.”
“Like… Machu Picchu?”
“Machu Picchu?” He chuckles and this makes his chest vibrate.
And since he’s hugging me, this vibration resonates. Like it actually enters me, and calms me, and so I sigh. “I’ve always wanted to go there and see those ruins. It’s dumb, but you asked.”
