“I’m sorry, okay?” He shrugs. “I was an ass. I should’ve sat down and had an actual conversation instead of just throwing it all away. I really regret it, Lois.”
“You dumped me two days before classes started. You told me I was too much—too ‘me.’ Oh, and too fat. Remember that?”
“I was confused, and yeah—I messed up. It was a dumb move.” So slick. So smooth. “I get that now,” he adds.
“Same here. It took me a while, but there’s loads of stuff I’m starting to get. I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but—I don’t want to get back together with you. I’m done here.”
As I say the words, I wait for a rush of feeling. Nothing comes.
“This is because of Lane, am I right?”
It is, in a way. But not the way Kirk thinks.
I stare him straight in the eye. “It’s to do withyou, actually.”
“I said sorry!”
I start to slow-clap. “Well done, you. Better late than never, huh?”
“We were together for four years.”
Like I didn’t know that already.
“Wow,” I say. “You only just remembered? I would’ve given you everything. Anything you asked for.” I laugh. “Who am I kidding? Ididgive you everything. And you just threw me out like trash. You went straight out to date other girls, you ignored me, you treated me like a piece of shit—”
“And you’re telling me this because you’re hurting and you want me back—”
“I’m telling you because it’s the truth! You know, Kirk, when I really think about it, I’m not even mad at you anymore. You helped me grow. You made me realize I don’t like the old Lois. I don’t want to be that girl anymore.”
And Lane helped me realize that, too. He gave me that much, at least.
“I was so obsessed with you,” I continue. “With our relationship. I was so busy trying to be the perfect girlfriend, I forgot who I was.”
“So now you know who you are, why can’t we just get back together?”
“Because I don’t love you anymore,” I say simply.
And just like that, the veil lifts.
31LANE
I’m lying on the floor when I hear a key turn in the lock. I should get up, but the truth is all my dignity and drive have deserted me. There’s only one person who could get me jumping to my feet right now, and I know it won’t be her. It won’t be Lois, because Lois left her keys on the table the day she checked out. It won’t be Lois, because I just screwed up my one last shot at fixing it all.
I used Mike’s death as an excuse. I usually hate people acting all sad when they find out about him, but when it came to Lois, I really needed her to get it. I needed her to understand that every time I think of my brother, it’s like a knife twist to the gut. I needed her to know it’s a feeling I can’t control, and one that messed things up between us.
My apology got off on the wrong foot, and then as soon as I caught sight of Kirk, I flipped. I was so fucking jealous, and I hurled every hurtful thing I could her way.And now it’s too late.I saw them kiss. All I want is to curl up and die.
Why didn’t I just take a leap of faith—tell her how I really feel? I’ve been such a fucking coward. All this time, I downplayed how she made me feel, hoping that would be enough to protect me from the pain. I was so scared, and I was so dumb to think that denying yourown feelings could be that easy. When I think of how I spoke to her, I want to punch myself in the face. Now that I’ve accepted how I feel, it’s all crystal clear to me. All those low-key moments were so much more than they seemed. All that time we spent together was proof that I needed her close to me all along. I want her in my life, even if she doesn’t like me that way—even if I have to sit by and watch her with that asshole boyfriend of hers.Fuck. All that time I had her to myself, and I royally fucked everything up.
“Well, well, well—will you look at that?” Lewis’s voice rings out somewhere above my head.
“He dead?” Adam asks.
“I hope not. That’s one ugly-ass T-shirt. Nobody deserves to die looking this bad,” Donovan says.
Great. The whole Brady Bunch is in town.
I hold up my middle finger.
