Theo stuffs his clothes in the laundry bag. He’s wearing only his briefs, but I don’t even notice his body.
“I know, but they’re still getting used to having a gay dad.” A note of testiness enters his voice. “It doesn’t help that their friends have been teasing them about it. Their world’s been turned upside down.”
I lean into him. “I understand that, Theo! But when are you going to understand that you couldn’t have carried on sacrificing your own happiness?”
Now it’s Theo’s turn to snap. “Couldn’t I? Isn’t that what a parent’s supposed to do? Make sacrifices? Put their kids first?”
Red mist clouds my vision. “Aha! Now we’re getting down to it! So youdofeel guilty! Youareashamed of me!”
He hurls the laundry bag back into the corner. “I’m not, Adam! Bloody hell, I’m not ashamed of you!”
I go back to pacing the room. “You know, it’s no wonder the kids hate me. They can probably sense it. They can probably sense that you resent me ever coming into your life!”
“Adam, that’s not true!” Theo lowers himself onto the bed. He looks like a broken man—and I hate myself for attacking him.
I know I’m driving him away. But for some reason, I’m compelled to keep going.
“Why don’t you just leave, Theo? It’s obvious you want to dump me. Why don’t you just put both of us out of our misery?” I can hardly believe those words are coming out of my mouth. As a shocked silence sets in, they almost crackle in the air between us.
But I realize I’m slipping into an old pattern and part of mewantsTheo to leave me. Because at least then I could relax. It’d be like unclenching a fist, a fist I’ve been clenching ever since he and I got together. And I could go back to normal, to being dumped and on my own, just like I always am.
But another part of me is desperate to avoid that. Another part of me knows that’s not what I want at all. It’s thelastthing I want.
No, I won’t let it happen. I need to end this argument before I do any more damage.
“Sorry, Theo. I didn’t mean that. Just ignore me. I only said it because I’m upset.”
He kneads his face with the heel of his hand. “That’s OK. I think we’re both are.”
I sigh heavily. “Let’s call it a day.”
He nods, somberly.
“Let’s go to bed before we say anything else we might regret.”
Theo looks at me, his face etched with sadness. “Alright, deal.”
I lie down with my back to him and close my eyes.
I try not to think that Wilf’s letters to Arnaldo—relating their struggle to be together—are hidden under the bed.
Chapter 19
In the morning, Theo and I don’t have the chance to talk. But that’s a situation of my own making. After lying in bed rigid for most of the night—tormented by what I said to him—I get up early and grab the first excuse to get out of the way. I go to the supermarket to stock up before my sisters arrive.
But as I walk around the aisles, I’m still tormented by our argument. Have I blown it? Have I fucked it all up?
The same thought darts around my mind when I get back to the house and unpack the shopping. It’s on my mind when I clean and set up the first bathroom finished by the builders, which now has a dove-gray suite and sage-green tiles and I would think is gorgeous if I were able to concentrate. It’s on my mind when I clear out the bathroom on the middle floor so that the builders can start stripping it on Monday. And it’s on my mind as I make everyone lunch, insisting I’m not hungry as I ate a massive bag of crisps in the car—which is true, although that’s something else I did on purpose.
Throughout the meal, Theo is much quieter and more introverted than usual. I daren’t imagine the thoughts going through his head.
In the afternoon, Giuseppe gives me his usual end-of-the-weekprogress report. I can just about concentrate as he shows me the finished work on the retaining wall behind the chapel and the new, user-friendly path up to the castle—both of which are very impressive. But my concentration slips as he outlines next week’s schedule. And it goes completely when he starts talking about damp proofing and rewiring. All I can think is, I can’t believe I told Theo to leave me. What iswrongwith me?
Anxiety rages in my head. It doesn’t help that I’ve hardly slept. When Giuseppe finishes his report, I go to make myself—yet another—strong coffee.
I need to pull myself together before my sisters arrive.
And my two—very distinct—worlds, collide.
