Clara yanked her hand free from his grip.
‘Oh, don’t leave,’ said one of the other soldiers.
Clara didn’t look back as she hurried out of the building. She didn’t know where she was going, but sitting in there watching some woman flirt with her husband while others enjoyed a joke at her expense was not something she could endure.
Here on the outskirts of town it was quieter, with just a few people making their way along the street. Clara didn’t stray too far from the Gasthof – she had no idea how Friedrich was going to find her, but she was desperate to be with him. She walked a little way down the street, pausing to look in a shop window at the fabric on display. Not that she was interested, but it would buy her some time. She really didn’t want to have to go back into the restaurant. If she did, it would be straight up to her room in the attic.
A soldier and local girl walked past, arm in arm, laughing at something and paying Clara no attention. A woman walked by with a little dog that trotted beside her. All normal things, but in a world that felt alien to Clara.
‘Looking for a new sewing project.’
Clara startled at the voice, her breath catching in her throat before she could say a word. She knew immediately it was Friedrich.
‘Don’t turn around,’ he said. ‘Follow me, but act like we are not together.’
Chapter 36
Clara followed, forcing her feet to move at a normal pace when every instinct screamed at her to run to him. Each step felt like an eternity as she fought the urge to look over her shoulder to see if anyone was watching. Friedrich turned a corner and Clara followed. They were in a quieter residential street now. She could see his tall figure ahead of her as he continued towards the edge of town where the buildings were fewer. Then he disappeared to the right. Clara quickened her pace.
‘Here.’ It was Friedrich. He took her hand and led her down a narrow track to a farm building. There was a side door to the barn and Friedrich stepped through, taking her with him.
As soon as she was inside, he closed the door, securing it with a piece of wood. Clara collapsed into his arms, her composure finally cracking as she pressed her face against his chest. The familiar scent of him, the solid warmth of his body – for the first time in hours, she could breathe properly. Friedrich kissed the top of her head.
‘Is this safe?’ she asked.
‘As safe as it can be. If we’re caught by the farmer, he will just think we are taking the opportunity while we can.’ He kissed her again. ‘I thought for a minute I was going to have to fight off that soldier next to you at the table.’
‘And I thought I was going to have to fight that woman at the bar.’
They both laughed, probably more than the exchange warranted. Then Clara felt the tears fall.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered against his chest. ‘I keep telling myself to be strong, but seeing you again, knowing what comes next.’ Her voice broke. ‘I’m blaming the pregnancy for making me fall apart.’
‘My emotional, jealous, pregnant wife,’ he murmured, stroking her hair. ‘I rather like this possessive side, even if the timing is terrible.’
Any momentary respite found with humour was sucked away at Friedrich’s last comment. Clara clung to him, her fingers gripping the fabric of his uniform as if she could anchor him to her through sheer force of will. ‘Is this all really happening?’
‘I wish I could tell you otherwise,liebling.’
‘I wish you would surprise me and say you’re coming,’ said Clara, without conviction, knowing even as she spoke that it was impossible.
‘It has to be this way,’ said Friedrich, his voice breaking slightly. ‘It’s the safest way. In the world I can keep you safer from my office at the Bendlerblock than I can on the road. Me coming along would cause suspicion far more quickly than me going back to Berlin and carrying on as normal for as long as possible.’ He tipped her chin up with his fingertip and she could see his own eyes glistening. ‘You know all this, Clara. If there was any other way – God, if there was any other way, I’d take it.’
‘I don’t think I can do this without you,’ she confessed, her voice barely a whisper. ‘I need you. We need you. How am I supposed to raise our child without knowing their father? How do I explain that Daddy loved us so much he had to let us go?’
‘You need me to keep you safe, both of you.’ He wiped the tears from her face with trembling hands. ‘I love you, Clara. I love everything about you. From the first day I met you at that lecture – do you remember? You asked that question about infection rates that made Professor Weber stumble over his words. I loved your spirit, your bravery to come to another country. Your defiance against British convention.’ His voice grew thick with emotion. ‘I loved how you embraced my homeland and my city. How you loved my mother from the moment you met her, how you understood her worries about me. I haven’t stopped loving you for even a single day.’ He kissed her forehead, his lips lingering. ‘I love how passionate you are. How you’ve stood by your beliefs even when it put you in danger. Your principles. How you put others first, even when I begged you not to. I love how completely, how fearlessly you’ve loved me.’
‘Then please don’t make me go.’ The words tore from her throat, raw and desperate. ‘I have loved you with every breath in my body since we met. You’re my home, Friedrich. You’re my everything. We were meant to be together. We’re meant to stay together. Forever. Our story wasn’t meant to end like this. Now we’re finally going to be a family.’
‘Hush, now,liebling. This is not the end.’ His own tears fell freely now. ‘Our love will never end. Every sunrise, every sunset, every breath our child takes – I’ll be there in all of it. Our love is bigger than borders, bigger than this war, bigger than anything they can do to us.’ He crushed her mouth with his, passionate, desperate, trying to pour a lifetime of love into one kiss.
Clara kissed him back with everything she had, memorising the taste of him, the way his hands felt in her hair, the sound he made when she whispered his name. She needed to love him completely just one more time. Not just with her heart and mind, but her body. She needed him to love her too, to create one last perfect memory to carry with her across the years ahead.
Afterwards, they lay in each other’s arms on the rough hay, holding onto one another as if they were the only people left on earth. Clara traced the lines of his face with her fingertips, trying to memorise every detail – the way his eyebrows drew together when he was thinking, the small scar on his chin from a childhood fall, the exact shade of blue of his eyes in the dim light filtering through the barn slats.
Friedrich gently stroked her hair. She could feel him trembling. ‘You have to be brave now. Do it for our child.’ He moved his hand down to her still-flat stomach, spreading his fingers wide as if he could somehow touch the life growing there. ‘Look after him or her. Tell them about me every day. Tell them how their father lived for this moment – knowing they existed. Tell them how much I loved them before I even knew them.’
‘You’ll be able to tell them yourself.’ Clara’s voice was fierce through her tears. ‘This isn’t goodbye forever. I won’t let it be. Somehow, some way, we’ll find each other again. We have to.’ But even as she spoke, she could see in his eyes that he didn’t believe it, that he was already saying goodbye in a way she couldn’t bear to accept.
