The bouquet, no doubt plucked fresh from the palace greenhouse—white carnations for endearment, cheerful yellow acacia for friendship, and, unsurprisingly, lilac for new affections—tickles my nose as I peer around the blossoms for a glimpse of the smiling prince.
“They are. But never mind them.” He lowers the bouquet. “Read the invitation they come with. It’s far more important.” As his gaze sweeps over my face, whatever he sees there steals the sunshine from his deep brown eyes.
Clearing his throat, he adds in a far more solemn tone, “My birthday festival is tonight. I came to invite you in person...” His fingers touch my cheek for the briefest moment, hummingbird-light. “And to see how you’re holding up.”
I blink and look away, lost for words. When I raise my eyes again, Shadow Evander—often my only companion these days—stands behind the prince, pretending to kick Hadrien in the rear to make me laugh. I quickly bite my lip, resisting the urge to grin.
“Sparrow, do you need to sit? Can I—? Here.” Hadrien sweeps into the room, pulling out a chair and gently guiding me into it. “Do you need anything?” he asks, even as I shake my head. “Water, perhaps?”
Heat creeps back into my face as I remember yesterday’s disastrous visit to the apothecary. The potion made a fool out of me, and it’s threatening to do so again now, but I need it to keep the pain away. At this rate, I’m destined to become a public laughingstock.
“I’m fine.” I realize my sweaty palm is soaking the invitation he handed me, and I pull the creamy piece of parchment from itsenvelope. It smells clean, like sage. Like Hadrien. The scent clears my head a little.
“If you’re not feeling up to a party, I’ll understand,” Hadrien says, kneeling by my chair. “Just say the word, and we can pretend this invitation never found its way here. There’ll be other parties. Other invitations I can deliver in person.”
I press my lips together, lost for words. I’m only staying at the palace until I can keep my head clear long enough to know the real Shade when I see it, so I can be sure I’ve killed Evander’s murderer. And once the Shade is dead, I assume I will be, too.
I don’t know how to tell Hadrien that I’ll be wherever the real Evander is soon.
“I’ll be there,” I blurt, surprising myself as much as Hadrien.
“Are you certain?” He tilts his head, and when he meets my eyes, my breath catches in my throat. It might just be another hallucination, but the look he gives me reminds me of one Evander and I used to share when we were alone. “It would mean a lot to me.”
Behind him, Shadow Evander pretends to retch.
“Of course. It’s...” I lower my eyes to the invitation to avoid his earnest gaze. “Perfect timing.” Hadrien coughs, as though he doesn’t believe that for a moment, but I rush on, “I needed an excuse to wear my favorite party dress again, and you’ve delivered it.”
If he recognizes the false cheer in my voice, he makes no sign of it. He climbs to his feet, just to give me a deep bow.
Shadow Evander flashes me a look of betrayal. I know he’s not real, but he looks it, and my stomach aches as I feel like I’ve hurt him all over again.
“I’ve been losing sleep every night since it happened,” Hadrien says softly, jarring me back to reality. “I lie awake thinking of Master Crowther, and how we lost him far too soon. And Master Nicanor, too. I urged His Majesty to assign extra guards to patrol these halls and keep the rest of you safe, though they certainly didn’t prove their worth against the last Shade they met.” Admiration glints in his dark eyes as he adds, “Youtook care of that brilliantly on your own.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I never know what to say to Hadrien. I settle on, “I’d better bathe and change if I’m attending a party in a few hours. Unless you want me to show up in this.”
“You look perfect in everything.” The prince’s smile returns as I gesture at my tired black uniform. “My only birthday wish is to see your face tonight.”
I nod, once again unable to form words as my mind races.
“See you soon, sweet Sparrow,” Hadrien calls as he closes the door on his way out.
Shadow Evander aims a kick at the door in response.
“I need you, and you’re not here,” I whisper as he flickers and disappears beneath my bleary gaze. “I miss you. We all miss you.”
I think of Jax with a guilty pang. Shadow Evander’s look of betrayal would be far worse if he ever appeared in Jax’s darkened room to find us in the bed we now share out of desperation. “I love you. And I’m sorry.”
Tonight, I’ll put on the blue silk dress that drove Evander mad when we were in public and all he could do was hold my hand. And I’ll dance, and drink, and fake a smile for everyone who smiles at me.
Tonight, I’m going to live. One last time.
XII
Apounding on my door nearly causes me to drop my latest dose of potion.
“Sparrow, let’s go,” Jax calls. “I don’t want to miss the first batch of party food. We’ll be lucky if the Dead leave us scraps.”
I swallow the contents of the vial in one huge gulp, then try to tug my dress up to cover more of my chest even though I know it’s pointless. I shake my dark brown waves loose from the butterfly pin holding them up and let my hair fall over my shoulders. I grab a second vial from my stash and splash more blue liquid down my throat. I want to make sure Evander is within reach tonight.
