Taken aback by the question, I falter. “I don’t know. It’s important to me to do a good job.”
He leans into my personal space. “Yeah, but why? Is it so you can change your mind about auditioning?”
“No.” The answer is automatic and loud even to my ears. Heath’s expression says he doesn’t believe me, and I feel my dimple as I clench my chin. “I don’t do things halfway. That’s not who I am. And this—” I gesture around our practice area “—this was my dream for a really long time.” My throat tries to tighten but I keep going. “It’s not—” I almost say it’s not anyone’s fault that I have to let it go, but that’s not true, so I shift and hope Heath doesn’t notice. “It’s my choice to let it go, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I still wish I could skate, and I still want to film the best audition video I can, even if it’s just for me.”
Heath stares at me for what feels like a very long time but in reality is probably only a few seconds. “And it has to be,” he says. “Just for you?”
I don’t have to list the reasons I mentally give myself. More than anyone else he’ll understand my one word answer. “Yes.”
Maybe I imagine the sadness in his eyes when he nods, or maybe I only imagine it’s for me. Either way I don’t know what to do with it, so I look away when I push to my feet. “Anyway, Maggie wouldn’t let me get away with doing less than my best. She’d be suspicious and might even insist on being there when I submit my audition. If it’s good, she won’t have any reason to question me. I don’t want to lie to her.”
Heath makes a sound and rolls his head.
“What?” I ask a little sharply.
“It’s just...you know you’re still lying to her.”
“I never agreed to use the audition. It’s not a lie if—”
He holds up both hands. “Look, I don’t want to argue with you. Send it in, don’t send it in, that’s up to you. But don’t kid yourself about what you’re doing.” He gets to his own feet.
“I’m not kidding myself, I’m just trying not to hurt anyone.”
“And how’s that going for you?”
I suck in a breath but clamp my teeth to keep from saying anything that I might later regret.
“Seriously? No comment?”
I fight the urge to cross my arms. “I don’t have anything nice to say right now.”
“So? That never stops me.”
“Maybe it should,” I say with a little more heat than I intend.
One side of his mouth lifts, then the other. “That wasn’t very nice, Brooke.”
“Stop goading me.”
“Stop being so goadable. What do you care what I say or think anyway?”
I gape at him. “Of course I care what you think. You’re my—”
His smile slips along with my frown.
It doesn’t feel safe to label anything between us, but considering he just called me out for being dishonest, I can’t exactly take it back now. “You’re my friend,” I finish.
He tries to look away, but I catch something pained flit across his face before he can.
“Please don’t let that be a bad thing,” I say, looking at the sadness he always holds so tightly around himself, even when he tries to mask it in anger. “I don’t think it has to be. You’re the only person in my life that I don’t have to hide things from. I talk to you about my family and my feelings. I even tell you about my nightmares.” As much of them as I can anyway. “I know we can’t change the past, but having you in my life helps. It helps me feel less alone. Isn’t that...isn’t that what I do for you?”
His gaze lifts to mine but he doesn’t answer my question, he asks one of his own. “Would it help? If you knew everything about that night?”
My whole body jerks. “Do you know—”
His hand brushes my arm and he shakes his head, cutting me off. “No, I’m just talking. I have them too, you know. I guess I always just thought the truth might be worse than the nightmares. At least those we can wake up from.”
“Not when they follow you from your bed,” I say.
