Jessalyn glanced at Nick, and there was nothing tentative about the smile he gave her. He had a booming-loud voice when he chose to use it and had drowned out every other person at the game whenever Jessalyn was at bat—and a little for me too. Jessalyn smiled back at him. “He knows we lost, right?”
“Yeah, but he won.”
She turned her smile on me. “We didn’t suck tonight. That has to count for something.”
I laughed a little. “I think it might have been your best game of the season,” I said. “I know Coach is already talking to colleges about you and Sadie.”
“You too,” she said.
I wrinkled my nose. “Probably not going to be fielding too many scholarship offers, but I’ll still get to play. Honestly, I think that’s all I want.” Selena was the star player in our family. I didn’t have the heat, and she didn’t have the heart. No doubt I’d feel torn up about that in the future and have to battle fresh resentment toward my sister, but that day and that game, I didn’t. Because as soon as all the trappings that went with a state game were over, I was once again scanning the stands…and this time, I saw them.
My gaze stuck on the figures of Brandon and Chase, standing side by side to the far left of the bleachers. In a trance I walked toward Dad—he was on the field, passing on reassuring words and hugs to a couple of still-crying seniors, so he was still technically in coach mode, but I no longer cared about our rules and separate roles. The season was over, and the biggest moment of our lives was about to happen.
“Dad.”
He looked up, forlorn like a coach whose team had just lost the championship game.
“He’s here.” I didn’t say who. He knew I wasn’t talking about some long-lost foster father.
Dad turned so slowly. And if I hadn’t been right at his side, I’d have missed the way his knees buckled before locking again the moment he laid eyes on his son.
I’d shown Dad pictures online, so there was no question as to which McCormick his gaze rested on. Mine, however, was torn between the two. I let myself look at Chase only briefly, silently thanking him for doing the impossible. Then I made myself look away before the tears I was holding back broke through. Nothing less than my brother meeting our father could have done it.
The majority of the crowd had gone by then. A few tiny clusters remained here and there, but none near where Brandon and Chase stood.
Mom and Selena met Dad and me at the base of the bleachers. Gavin was there too, but after looking at each of our faces, he suddenly got a leg cramp that he said he needed to walk out. By himself. On the opposite end of the field. I’d have to thank him for that later.
We none of us said a word. I didn’t know what to do next, and based on the wide eyes of both Brandon and Chase, neither did they. So I moved. I tugged Selena’s arm, and the two of us, leaving Mom and Dad behind, crossed the dozen yards that separated us from our brother. A few steps away, we slowed, and Brandon, after a moment of hesitation, moved toward us in slow jerky steps, like he had to force himself to take each one. When we all stopped, no more than an arm’s length from each other, I had to blink to keep from tearing up. There we were, me and my sister and my brother, standing together without lies or deception between us. We all knew who we were. It was the genuine counterpart to the moment I’d failed to manufacture before. No one was scowling or yelling, and at least on my lips there was the tentative hint of a watery smile. In a few minutes, we’d turn and walk away and maybe that would be it. But that moment, fresh off the biggest loss of my life, when I should have been lower than I’d ever been, I couldn’t not smile.
And it wasn’t just me. Selena had come of her own accord, and Brandon too. We all wanted and needed this. Uncertainty flickered in all our eyes, but not regret.
“You came,” I said. My eyes were everywhere on his face, taking him in freely the way I hadn’t been able to before.
“It’s just this once. I’m not—It can’t be more than tonight.”
Something caught in my throat and I could feel my expression trying to crumble even as I nodded. I’d known that if he came at all, it would be only the one time.
For his part, Brandon looked uncomfortable, but I thought that might have a lot to do with his own inner battle.
“I’m so sorry for—” My words cut off. That list was long, too long for the time we had. I was sorry for ambushing him that first day at Jungle Juice, for exposing him to the most painful truth either of us would likely ever hear. I was sorry for the lies and hurt, not just to him but to Chase. I was sorry it had taken me so long to realize that far from making things better, my actions had caused more trauma. “I’m sorry for everything,” I said at last. “Except for you and this right now. And I know you’re leaving soon. Penn State.” I choked on the words—the distance they represented—and tried to cover it with a smile. I told myself it was better that he be gone and far away than close but still forever out of reach. “That’s great, it’s really great. I’m sure you’ll…” I was tiptoeing toward babbling when I felt Selena’s hand in mine. I squeezed back, never looking away from our brother. I wasn’t sure of anything, least of all Brandon. He was having a hard time meeting our eyes.
“We’re not our parents,” Selena whispered, drawing both my and Brandon’s attention. She was squeezing my hand so hard that my knuckles were whitening under her grip. “We don’t have anything to do with choices that were made twenty years ago. It’s a mess, I know, but it’s their mess, not ours.”
Her words did what mine couldn’t. Something shifted, maybe only for that moment in which we stood together. He stopped seeing our parents and just saw us. Brandon met my eye.
“You played really well,” he said. And I felt a surge of elation at my brother’s praise. “You too,” he told Selena. “I didn’t get to tell you the other night.” He lifted one shoulder. “I play guitar a little too.”
A tear slipped down Selena’s cheek. “I know. Funny, huh?”
He almost smiled at her.
It was the smile that undid me. It wasn’t like Dad’s exactly; it was like ours, mine and Selena’s.
“Can I—?” I took half a step. “Can I hug you?”
He took a very long time answering, so long that I had to lower the arm I’d lifted when I’d asked. But then he nodded. I hoped he could feel everything in that embrace. It was wonderful and terrible and it was over way too soon.
Selena turned away first, covering her mouth as she hurried back to Mom. I stayed a second longer. Brandon’s eyes glistened in the stadium lights as they shifted beyond me. I was looking in his face when he met Dad’s gaze. I knew that was my cue. It was so much harder to walk away from him than I thought it would be, but I did it. I retraced my steps to where Selena stood with our parents. When I reached them, I intended to take Mom and Selena aside with me, to give Dad and Brandon the private moment they both needed. Selena came willingly, but Mom, whose eyes had never once left Brandon’s face, stopped me.
