He hesitated, then nodded.
“It’s about Brandon.”
Chase’s mouth thinned but he didn’t say anything.
I swallowed. I wasn’t looking forward to telling yet another person this story. “You know he’s my half brother. His mom and my dad… Well, apparently, no one ever knew until I submitted a sample of my dad’s DNA and it matched with Brandon’s.”
“I know. He and I talked about everything.”
I tried not to flinch as my eyes fell shut. Brandon knew what I’d done, all of it. “I told my parents too. So they all know. My mom, I guess, knew about the affair from back then.” My chin quivered and before I could stop myself, my eyes were swimming with tears. “But no one knew about Brandon. I don’t know if that matters to him or not, but my dad wouldn’t have abandoned his son, no matter what the circumstances. My dad is kind of a mess right now.” I tried to laugh but it didn’t come out right. “We’re all a mess. I thought it’d be better once everyone knew, but it’s almost worse. I’m still figuring things out with my dad, but I see him in agony over this person he’s never met and might not ever get to see.”
“Dana.” There was a hint of warning in Chase’s voice.
“I know. And I’m not going to force Brandon to see him or anything,” I added, needing to be clear because my track record in that department sucked. “I’m glad you guys talked. I didn’t want him to feel alone in this, and with you, he doesn’t have to.” My chin was all over the place. I couldn’t stop it. “I’m done pushing this on anyone. My parents and sister all understand that Brandon doesn’t want to hurt his family by starting any kind of relationship with us, and we’ve all agreed to respect that and keep our distance.” I had to look away when I said, “And you too.” There was no protest from Chase. I hadn’t expected one, but I’d wanted it all the same.
“You still haven’t told me why you’re here.”
No, I hadn’t. Probably because I had even less hope of a favorable response to my request than I had of Chase forgiving me. But I still had to ask.
“You don’t owe me anything,” I said. “Or rather, you don’t owe me anything good. And I’m going to ask you something huge. You can say no, you can tell me to get off your street and never come back again.” My voice broke and I had to blow out a steadying breath before I could speak again. “But I can’t leave without trying. And this time it’s not for me.
“I still love my dad.” And no steadying breath was going to help me that time. Tears spilled onto my cheeks. “He’ll never be for Brandon what he’s been to me. And from everything you’ve told me about Brandon’s dad, he’s already got everything he needs—but maybe it could provide closure for both of them if they met. Not as father and son, but just to see each other and to know. To not carry around a giant question mark for the rest of their lives. I thought if anyone could persuade him, it’d be you. That’s why I’m here. Just to ask you to ask him.”
Chase still hadn’t left. That was a good sign. But he didn’t look convinced either.
“You don’t have to decide right now. Wednesday is my last softball game. It’s the state championship. My family will be there, along with a lot of other people. If you both come, it wouldn’t have to be a big production. They could see each other, and if that’s all he wants to do, then you guys could just walk away. My dad could see and know that Brandon is okay, safe. And Brandon could see a man who would have loved him as much as he loves me, which is a lot. I think he should get that, they both should. All I’m asking is that you make this one appeal to him.” I held out a paper with the information for the game, and wonder of wonders, Chase took it.
“I can’t promise he’ll agree or that I’ll even ask him.” Chase looked at the paper. “Either way…Dana, this has to be it. I’m not going to yell at you or try to make you feel bad, but what you did…not just to me…that’s it for me. I don’t want you coming around.” The paper disappeared into his pocket. “I need you not to.”
I felt each of his words tighten like a noose around my heart, and tears for him joined the ones for my dad. I nodded the whole time. I had used him—I hadn’t meant to, but the outcome was the same. Everything I knew about Brandon had come through Chase. I’d lied and hurt them both, which meant I’d lost the chance to tell him that learning about my brother had been a side effect of falling for him. And I had, utterly and completely. That was the only part of all this I wouldn’t take back.
He started to turn but stopped. “He’s leaving for college in less than a month, Penn State. He was planning on staying here the whole summer, but he decided to go early. My uncle already put their house up for sale.”
“Does that mean…he told his dad?”
Chase shook his head. “No, he’s pretty adamant that he’ll never do that.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, a blanket apology that was quickly chased by one much more specific. “Oh, your mom. Chase, I’m really sorry. Is she—” I didn’t know how to finish that question. How was it possible to feel any worse? I’d caused so much damage already, and the effects were still rippling. I hadn’t been content with my own family’s ruin—I’d had to take Chase’s along with us. I didn’t know what was hidden in Chase’s garage, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was packed full again, with Chase stored along with it.
Chase’s eyebrows flickered together before smoothing again. In my chest my heart gave one last strangled lurch. Not because I hoped he’d forgive me that time, but because I knew he couldn’t.
“Take care of yourself, Dana.”
CHAPTER 49
The day of my state finals, the game my softball team had worked so hard to get to, came without any of the emotional fanfare I’d been expecting. I wanted to win—I always wanted to win—but it wasn’t with the same all-consuming, single-minded determination that I’d thought I would have. It wasn’t the chief focus of my mind. I was thinking about my family, old and new, and the possibility of the meeting that might occur. That was the question spinning dizzyingly in my head: not would we win or lose, but would Brandon show or not?
Every at bat, every out, every inning, that’s what I thought about. Every time I didn’t need to focus on the game, my gaze was on the stands scanning for something that had become much more important. Distracted as I was, I knew the only reason I played as well as I did was because, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking my brother might be watching me for the one and only time in my life.
But it wasn’t enough. We lost. Not by a lot, but that didn’t matter. Our team played well, but the other team played better. It was that simple. No one pointed fingers or cast sideways looks at anyone. There wasn’t anyone to blame. I might have played better under different circumstances, but not by much. Selena’s team had handily trounced the opposing team for their final, but my team couldn’t. I couldn’t. For once, I didn’t let that bitter truth devour me. I was good but Selena was great. She was the one who’d gotten the scholarship offers, whereas I already knew not to expect the same interest when I graduated next year.
Tom Hanks was a liar—there was a lot of crying in softball when your team lost a state championship, especially from the seniors. Ainsley was practically inconsolable. Her mom had to physically walk her off the field. Between all the tears, there were hugs and empty words that no one heard. It was pretty damn miserable in that dugout, and there wasn’t a thing any of us could do about it.
I cast a glance at Jessalyn, slumped dejectedly on the bench beside me. Most of the other girls had left by then.
She looked up, tried to smile but couldn’t quite manage it. “I thought we were going to win, you know?”
“Your boy,” I said, using her words for Nick, “looks like he thinks we did.” Nick was waiting by the stands, and when our eyes met, he gave me a tentative wave that I returned. I missed what we’d had, but I was grateful for what we were slowly rebuilding.
