I got into the car then, and after a moment, he took his own seat and we drove home, both of us angry and confused, when I was the only one with a right to either of those emotions.
* * *
I was lying on my stomach alone on my bed later when Mom knocked and poked her head in. I sat up as she came in and slid around behind me. Without a word, she combed my hair with her fingers before beginning to braid it.
“So, fun ride home?”
I leaned back against her and closed my eyes. “I didn’t mean to show up at the last minute, I really didn’t.”
“If you don’t mean to do something, you have to try harder not to.” She tied off my hair and rested her hands on my shoulders. “I know it’s hard being seventeen, but it’s hard being forty-one too. Lay off your dad.” And in the same sweet voice she added, “Otherwise, I’ll have to strangle you in your sleep.”
I laughed a little the way I was supposed to. “You love him a lot, don’t you?”
“More than all the Kisses in the world.” She leaned in and brushed her mouth against my forehead. “Look at the beautiful girls he gave me.”
I caught her wrists when she started to stand. “Always?”
She frowned a little.
“Will you always love him more than all the Kisses in the world? Even when he messes up, when he does unlovable things?”
“Is this about the boy you’ve been disappearing with, hmm? Not tonight, but we’re going to talk about that.”
I wasn’t even mad that Selena had told Mom. I’d known she would. They were both too alike to keep secrets.
“No, that’s…over.” I ducked my head, hiding my slight chin quiver. “I’m asking about Dad because—” I met her gaze again “—I need to know you’ll still love him even when it’s hard.”
She pulled her head back, the teasing smile leaving her lips. “Of course I will.”
I closed my eyes and started to stand. I wanted so much more than the automatic answer from her.
“Hey.” She drew my attention back to her. “Love isn’t always easy, not the good kind. The kind that may start here—” she tapped two fingers against her chest “—but finds its way here too.” She lifted her hand to her head. “That kind of love is more than a feeling or a word. That kind of love is an action, a promise, and it’s not dependent on perfection or ideals. It’s real and lasting and it’s worth everything. It’s worth fighting for. And we’re fighters, yes?” She waited for my nod before filling her lungs with air and smiling. “So I fight for the people I love. Always.”
She kissed me one last time before closing my door softly when she left. I waited less than a minute before following her. I stopped at the top of the stairs and listened to her slide in next to Dad on the couch. After a moment, her voice drifted up to me.
“I think you should go up and talk to her.”
“I already talked to her.” And by the sound of his voice, he’d had enough. I drew back farther from the edge of the wall hiding me from view.
“You yelled at her. There’s a difference.” There was a pause. “She’s always trying so hard to make you see her. Maybe she’s trying a new way.”
“How do I not see her? Practices, games, I was spending hours with her in the backyard until—”
“See her apart from softball.”
I leaned into the wall at my side, pressing closer so I’d be sure to hear his response.
“I see her,” was all he said, but softer.
There was a sound that might have been a kiss. “I know,mi alma, but sometimes it can be hard to feel it. And Dana needs to feel it. If you can’t say it, then you have to find a way to show it.”
Back in my room I leaned against my door, half wanting to bolt downstairs and…stand there openmouthed, because it wasn’t just Dad who didn’t know how to say things. I did want him to see me, to fight for me. I’d always wanted that; even now I wanted it. Especially now. I slid to the floor and drew my knees up, hugging them.
I just wanted to skip past all this next part. I wanted to jump ahead to after I told my parents, to after all the pain, to where it was okay again. To where it was just softball and stupid problems with my friends at school. I let my head bang against my door. All year Jessalyn had liked Nick.All year.It must have killed her watching me waver back and forth with him. If she’d just told me she liked Nick, that would have made it so easy for me to realize I didn’t. Clearly Nick was open to the idea—more than open. It would have been perfect, and no one would have gotten hurt. I banged my head again. And again. Because I couldn’t skip ahead. I had to deal with the now. I glanced at Selena’s guitar case, which was leaning against her side of the bed, and I knew my brother’s was probably in a similar position in his room.
Actually, for all I knew, he’d thrown it away. I hugged my knees tighter, gripping my elbows until the skin turned white.
CHAPTER 38
