“I know. We just haven’t seen you much.”
I’d been trying to be home as little as possible, either from games or claiming that I was studying when I was actually with Chase. When I absolutely had to be home, I avoided all but the briefest contact with Dad. And he’d noticed.
“Yeah, well, Selena’s here, so it’s the same amount of people at the table.” I turned my back on him without so much as a good-night.
“Dana.”
I glanced back.
“I feel like I’ve done something wrong here.”
His words, the concern I could hear wrapped around each one, made me want to snarl and cry at the same time.Yes, you’ve done something wrong, I wanted to say.You did it nearly twenty years ago and I don’t know how to look at you if you knew about your son and kept him from us, if I had a brother all this time who could have played the guitar with Selena or baseball with me, if it’s him you think about, him when you’re with me, and that’s why I never feel like I can catch you.
“I’m just tired,” I said, hoping he didn’t notice the tremor in my voice or the nails I was digging into my palms. “Can I go to bed now?”
“All right.” He gestured a hand for me to go but stopped me with his words. “Tomorrow let’s runs some drills, okay?”
“Can’t.” I was facing my door, so he didn’t see the tears that stung my eyes. “I’m still studying for that Biology test. If you want to throw the ball with someone, ask Selena.” I took the last few steps to my room and shut the door behind me, blinking my eyes dry.
Selena was perched on the edge of the bed, and she stood as soon as I entered the room. She’d clearly overheard my exchange with Dad. “What’s with you lately?”
I ducked into the closet, rubbing away the rest of my unshed tears with my palms and noticing that my nails had broken the skin in a few places. “Nothing.”
“You’re being such a brat, especially with Dad.”
For a second my chin quivered again.Stop it!I told myself. “I’m not being anything other than tired. School, that thing you dropped out of, has been kicking my butt.” To support my claim, I shrugged off the schoolbag of books I’d brought with me to Chase’s, letting the heavy weight hit the ground with a thud.
“Yeah, that’s the other thing. When did you start lying straight to Mom and Dad’s face—and mine apparently—about where you go every day after practice?”
I turned and widened my eyes, both for show and because I thought I’d been doing a pretty good job with my cover stories. Apparently, I was wrong. “I don’t—”
“Yeah, you do. Are you honestly trying to tell me you’ve spent every free night this week with your Biology partner—the same guy you told me you broke—and you’re both so eager to see each other again—”
“It’s not about eager.” I launched myself into a righteous-indignation act, because the alternative was right there waiting to pour down my face if I let it. “You never had Mr. Rodriguez. His class is insane.” I moved around her to sit on the bed. “Why else would I willingly spend so much time with Nick?”
“There, right there!” She sat right in front of me, her finger pointing at my face. “That’s the other thing you’ve been doing. Nothing you just said is a lie. I’ve heard about Mr. Rodriguez’s class, so I believe you that it’s hard, and hanging out with a guy who probably can’t stand to be around you right nowwouldbe hard too,ifyou were actually spending all this time with him, but you’re not, are you?” She folded her legs so she could lean closer to me. “Ever since I moved back, you’ve been lying or saying things in a way that lets you tell the truth but still supports whatever lie you’ve already got going. Cut it out and find thirty minutes to play catch with Dad.”
I bit my lip and looked up so she couldn’t see how close I was to breaking. “Since when is catch with Dad thirty minutes? Maybe I’m like you. Maybe I’m starting to realize I don’t want softball to be my whole life either.”
“You’ve always liked softball more than me, so try again.”
“Fine, then how about the fact that it’s not catch with my dad, it’s drills with my coach!” I started to stand up when my voice cracked, but Selena pressed down on my knee.
“Dana…what?” Her tone had softened and I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
No one knew me better than my sister, not Nick, not even Jessalyn, no one. I’d been able to lie to Mom and Dad partially because I felt like I had no choice. I couldn’t confront him, possibly destroy him along with Mom—and finding out he had a son he never knew aboutwoulddestroy him—without a shred of proof. Not even the website would back up my claims, since Brandon had deleted his account. But it was different with Selena. I couldn’t lie to her even when I tried.
I pulled away from her, wrapping my arm around myself as I walked toward the closet again. It was right there, right on the tip of my tongue to say it.Do you remember the DNA test I submitted for Dad? The one I told you came back a bust?
I heard the bed squeak as she stood and then her feet shuffling across the carpet as she came up behind me.
It wasn’t a bust. I found someone, Sel.
Her hand touched my shoulder. “What is it?”
In my head, I saw myself saying the words, letting them gush out of me.Dad has a son.Only it wouldn’t end there. Not my pain and not hers; hers would only be starting. She’d have to start walking past the family photos in the hallway and grow sicker each time, knowing someone was missing. She’d have to start watching our brother from a parked car thirty feet away and know she might never get any closer. She’d have to start looking at the father she’d always loved and wonder if he’d ever truly felt the same way about her.
She’d have to start feeling as wrecked as I felt every second of every day and know it might not get any better, that it might get so much worse.
