I realized then, panting and slightly sweaty in the hallway, how much I’d taken our friendship for granted. Not just Nick meeting me between classes or cheering at my games. He’d been there to help me with all the DNA Detective stuff, from fielding my endless questions about the process to helping me brainstorm a covert way to test my dad. That whole week before the results came, I’d put Nick in a situation that made him uncomfortable over and over again because I knew he’d let me. And when I’d insisted I’d found my grandfather and he’d raised totally legitimate reservations, afterward I’d frozen him out rather than admit he was right. All this time, I’d convinced myself that I had to wait for Nick to make the first move so that I wouldn’t trample him in a relationship, when, in reality, I already was.
I slumped into the wall at my back, ignoring the people brushing past me, unable to escape the heavy, slimy rocks that had taken up residence in my gut. I’d been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I’d barely asked him what was going on in his life. I didn’t even know if he liked his new job, or if Jessalyn was letting her supervisor position go to her head. For months I’d cared only about things that directly connected to me, and that made me scummier than the slime coating my stomach.
Nick saw me as soon as he rounded the corner. I was used to him singling me out in a crowd, and usually he smiled and/or blushed the second we made eye contact. But not this time. This time, he actually shuffled back a few steps, as if being thirty feet away from me was too close. I couldn’t blame him, even though the sight added spikes to the rock inside me.
Nick hesitated as the throngs of students around us began to thin, until at last he started walking forward. Closer, closer, his gaze fixed just above my head, until he was near enough for me to realize he was going to walk right into his class without stopping. My eyes stung, and my throat became so thick that I could barely get his name out.
“Nick.”
His eyes lowered that fraction of an inch until they met mine. I flinched, cringing inside. He looked so…so…miserable.
“The bell is about to ring. I can’t be late.” There was no life in his voice, none. I wanted to sink into the floor.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay—I get it. You don’t have anything to be sorry about.” He glanced into the classroom, practically twitching to get to his seat—or away from me. My throat closed so completely that I had to swallow twice before I could talk again.
“I do,” I said, more than he knew. “Can we—can we talk at lunch?”
He wouldn’t look at me. “I can’t. I have to make up that Biology quiz I missed yesterday.”
He’d skipped class, probably to avoid sitting next to me for an hour. My heart sped up, reaching a lurching gallop in my chest. “Then after school, after practice. I’ll come anywhere.”
“I work right after school.”
“Then I’ll meet you at Mostly Bread. I’ll—”
For the first time ever, Nick cut me off. “It’s always really busy.”
I fought to keep my eyes from welling up. The hall was nearly empty by then. One kid was running past us to make it to his class on the opposite end. The bell would ring any second. “I should have told you about a lot of things,” I said in a rush. “And the only reason I didn’t is because I’m selfish and I’m a coward. Our friendship has been one-sided for so long, you giving, me taking. I’ve been awful to you and I’m so, so sorry.”
“In or out, Mr. Holloway?” his teacher called, reaching for the doorknob.
I looked at Nick, my eyes wide and pleading until his lowered. I knew my fate before he said it.
“In.”
My legs were as leaden as my heart as I walked away from his class. That was it. Over. Nick had literally shut the door in my face. I could keep trying, hound him at lunch or trail him between classes. I could follow him to work, where he’d be forced to take my order, if nothing else. I could wear him down, force him to hear me out, but that would just be me asserting my will over his again. I wouldn’t do that to him anymore, even as the thought of losing him for good had my chin quivering.
I was already late to my class, so I didn’t care that snails could have outstripped me as I pushed open the door to the stairwell.
“Dana?”
My heart shot into my throat at the sound of Nick’s voice. I turned my head and saw him jogging toward me.
“What about your class?”
He held up a yellow slip of paper. “My first bathroom pass of the year. I have three minutes.”
I wasn’t going to waste a single second. “Nick, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not listening to you, for lying to you, for treating you like you needed to be more than you already are.” Pain was blossoming in my chest as I went on, realizing I’d done to him what my dad had done to me—set these arbitrary goals for him to complete, before I…what? Bestowed my favor on him? I looked up at the ceiling, blinking away tears that pounded to be set free before turning back to Nick. “I’m sorry I made you feel like less. You are completely and wonderfully amazing. And I’m not half the friend you are to me, but if you’ll let me, I really want to try.”
Nick didn’t respond. Just as fear that he was going to turn me down sent the rocks in my belly spinning, he did something so much worse.
Where my hand still rested on the door lever, he slid his over top. The movement was jerky, like he had to fight his innate shyness for every inch to reach out and touch me. And it wasn’t a commiserating kind of touch either. His fingers tried to wrap around mine.
My eyes lowered shut, blocking out the hopeful lift of his mouth. How had I screwed this up too? My stomach bottomed out as I drew my hand free. “Nick…” But he was already leaping away.
“I’m sorry!”
