As we walked into the house, Cai’s mother was suddenly in front of me. “I’m so glad you came,” she said, surprising me when she pulled me into a hug. “Jace, I know it’s been years, and I should’ve said this sooner, but I’m sorry for how I spoke to you at Cai’s funeral. It was wrong of me. I see that now. I hope you can forgive me.”
Her words were like a gut punch. Back when Cai had first passed, his mother had hated me, had more or less blamed me for surviving when her son hadn’t. It was one of the things had that contributed to my feelings of guilt. It had taken time for me to understand that she’d been simply grieving and lashing out, but I’d have been lying if I’d said she hadn’t crossed my mind when I thought about who the catfish could be. Cai’s parents were some of the only people who truly had cause to hate me.
“Of course, I can,” I said, a little choked when she hugged me again. Then her husband was there, pulling me into a hug, too. Several emotions clogged my throat, most notably gratitude. I was grateful to them for inviting my family and me today and for forgiving me.
When they moved on to greet the next guests, I felt a small hand take mine and peered down to find Zara looking up at me. She didn’t fully understand what the memorial was about, but she clearly sensed it was something important.
“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered, and emotion caught in my throat. The way children could be so pure sometimes truly gutted me. That was when I saw Shannon watching us, her eyes filled with tenderness.
It wasn’t too big of a gathering in the end, probably less than forty people. We all squeezed into the living room, while Cai’s parents shared some fond memories from his childhood, alongside some of their regrets about not supporting Cai’s choice to become a musician later on. Shannon sat on one side of me, producing a small tissue to dab at her eyes as she listened to Cai’s mother speak.
I reached out, taking her hand in mine and giving a soft squeeze. I didn’t let go while other people got up to speak, all of them sharing memories. I wanted to get up there, but I was too overwhelmed. It was all I could do to keep it together and sit still, listening to all the people who loved him share a little piece of who he was.
Afterwards, there was tea and sandwiches, but I didn’t have an appetite. I saw Mam and Dad talking to Cai’s parents as I left the room and wandered out into the hallway. I occupied myself by studying the pictures on the wall. There were lots of Cai and some of his sister who I hadn’t seen around today. I recalled that she’d moved to Canada, and that was a long way to travel just fora small memorial. She looked so familiar, though I put it down to the family resemblance between her and Cai.
There was a picture of him when he was maybe only three or four, his sister a chubby girl in her late teens. He was sitting on her lap on the grass out in their garden, a big smile on his face. Something about seeing him so young and innocent and joyful had grief swelling within me anew. I felt suffocated. I had to get out of there.
Leaving the house, I walked to the end of the drive, then sat down on the kerb. Lots of tears had been shed today, but none of my own. Now wetness fell down my cheeks as I grappled with the pain seizing my chest. It was all those people sharing their memories. It was too much wondering about the life Cai might’ve had if it weren’t for—
“Jace?” Shannon’s gentle cadence filled my ears as she approached. “Oh, Jace,” she said, seeing my tears, and then she was sitting down next to me, pulling me into her arms. I sank into her embrace, her soothing warmth chasing away the darkness.
17.
Shannon
Jace was struggling. I knew by how quiet he’d been back in the house. Hearing all those people speak about Cai was hard for him, but I didn’t realise he’d been this close to his breaking point. I held him for long minutes, feeling his tears wet my shoulder as he sank into my arms.
He gripped me tightly, like I was a lifeline, his strong arms banding around my waist and fisting my top. He buried his face in my neck, and I realised how glad I was to be here for him. Tingles danced along my spine when he breathed in, as though my smell could ground him. I thought about last night, how the wine combined with my exhaustion had made me loose lipped. I remembered every second of our conversation, how mortified I was this morning when I’d woken up and relived it all. But Jace had let it pass without repeating the embarrassing things I’d said, which only made me love him more.
God, I was in love with him. I mean, I’d always known I still loved him, even after all he’d put me through, but I’d managed to dull the emotion with distance. Now I was seeing him all the time, witnessing how much he’d changed and how hard he was trying to do better for Zara and me. I couldn’t help falling a little deeper each day. His spicy scent filled my nose, and desire stirred in me. I felt guilty for wanting him this badly when he was upset, forcing down my need until it was a small, containable thing.
When his breathing evened out, I pulled back just a little to take him in. I’d seen him upset like this back when Cai first passed, but he’d been so put together lately that I’d almost forgotten how bad the loss of his bandmate had hit him.
“Your parents offered to take Zara tonight. Why don’t we go to the cinema and see that new movie everyone’s been talking about? Or better yet, we can go back to my place, order some food, and watchRed Dwarfuntil we can quote each episode line for line.”
Jace gave a tired smile, then tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, causing a small tremble. “You always have the best ideas.”
I watched as he lifted himself back to standing, offering his hand to pull me up. I took it, and then we stood facing one another. Jace straightened his shoulders and took a deep breath. When he exhaled, I saw his strength return, like a battery visibly recharging. Had I helped? He held out his arm, and I reached for it, letting him lead us back inside the house. He went to speak with Cai’s parents again, then mingled with the other guests, sharing memories of his friend and letting others share theirs.
When it was time to leave, Jay drove us home. Zara was excited to spend Saturday night with her grandparents, probably because they always spoiled her rotten. I didn’t mind on this occasion and was happy for Zara to have some quality time with Jay and Matilda. It gave me the opportunity to make sure Jace was all right, that he hadn’t gone back to that dark place in his mind, the one he’d been in after Cai died.
I was also grappling with my own feelings. Seeing him today, how he’d almost broke but then managed to pull through. It had all sorts of emotions, old and new, stirring within me. Things were different now because before, Jace wouldn’t have pulled through. He would’ve let his inner turmoil consume him before seeking oblivion in his addiction. The way he’d acted showed me he’d developed new coping mechanisms, that he was stronger than before.
I opened my front door and let us inside. Jace followed close behind me, and by the time we reached my kitchen I couldn’ttake it anymore. I stood by the counter, gripping the edge tightly before I turned and faced him.
“Shannon?” Jace asked, seeming to notice my tenseness.
I need you.I caught the words before they escaped. Jace was in a vulnerable place today, and he didn’t need me taking advantage of him. Instead, I went and grabbed some menus from the cupboard.
“What do you want to eat?”
I spread the menus out on the counter, and Jace approached, his warmth hitting my side. I ignored the goosepimples covering my arms and neck.
“Hmm, let’s see.”
He picked up a menu, scanning the options, and I took the opportunity to get myself under control. When we’d each decided what we wanted, I put the order in, while Jace went to turn on the TV and line up the next episode on the DVD player. Yes, I was that big a fan that I had every season on DVD.
After changing into some comfortable lounge clothes, I returned to the living room and found Jace seated on the couch, his tie loosened and his shoes off. I took the space next to him, keeping some distance between us.
