“Morning, beautiful. Want some breakfast?”
“Yes, please!”
Since it was Saturday, I set Zara in front of the TV watching cartoons with a bowl of cereal before going to check on Shannon. Knocking softly on her door, I waited until I heard a groggy, “Yeah?”
“It’s Jace. Can I come in?”
There was some shuffling about and then, “Sure.”
When I entered the room, it was dark. Shannon must’ve gotten up and pulled the curtains because I didn’t remembershutting them last night. Morning light filtered through the cracks. She sat up in bed wearing an oversized T-shirt that she also hadn’t had on when I’d left her last night. Did she remember what we’d spoken about? Judging from the shy look on her face, I suspected yes.
“I’m sorry for falling asleep in the car last night,” she said. “And for being so weird. Exhaustion does strange things to me.”
See? She blamed her tiredness. I knew she would. I didn’t call her on the excuse; I knew she needed something to latch onto because what was happening between us was scary for her.
“You weren’t weird, so no need to apologise,” I responded easily, taking in her pallor and tired eyes. “You want some water? Coffee?”
“Water sounds good.”
“Anything to eat?”
She shook her head. “Not yet. Maybe later.”
When I returned with a large glass of water, I sat on the edge of the bed, handing it to her. Shannon appeared to make an effort not to let our fingers touch, which made me wonder if she’d decided to pull back. No one could deny we’d been getting closer. Maybe last night really had scared her, made her decide to erect a new wall, one where we didn’t touch.
“You okay?” I asked, taking her in.
She shifted in the bed, a faint self-conscious expression on her face. “I’m fine. My sleep was a little fitful,” she said, falling quiet before she continued, not making eye contact. “And I guess I’m just wondering when you’re going to embarrass me by repeating all the stuff I said last night.”
I sent her a soft look. “I’m not going to embarrass you. In fact, I can forget it all if you want, though I don’t mind continuing the head massage if you’re still suffering.”
“You’re being very gracious.”
“Shannon, I adore you. I’m a willing supplicant at your altar. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I’m here to give.”
She inhaled sharply, her gaze locking on mine, and a moment thick with tension fell between us. At last, she exhaled then set down the glass of water. “You can’t say stuff like to me,” she muttered.
I tilted my head. “Why not?”
She blinked, then shook her head and climbed out from under the covers. “You know why not. I need to shower.”
I watched as she walked towards her bathroom, then stilled as her shoulders dropped, and she quietly swore under her breath. “Cai’s memorial is today, isn’t it?”
The reminder had a scoop hollowing out my gut. I’d known where I was going today, but I’d been able to distract myself until she mentioned it. “Yes. Are you still coming?”
She nodded. “My head is still a little achy, but it’s okay. I’ll take a couple painkillers to see me through.”
“We don’t have to leave for a few hours. You might be feeling better by then.”
Shannon nodded, then disappeared inside her bathroom. While she showered, I helped Zara get dressed, took a quick shower myself in the main bathroom, then headed over to my parents’ house for a change of clothes. I had some stuff at Shannon’s, but I needed a shirt and tie for today, and the ones I’d worn last night were sweaty and dirty.
Mam decided that we’d all ride in the car together to save on petrol, but I think she really just knew I needed not to be alone today. A little while later, we picked up Zara and Shannon, the three of us sitting in the back while my dad drove, and Mam sat in the passenger seat. It was a solemn drive, nobody talking much. I’d gone through a lot of therapy to help me get over how Cai had died. The needlessness of his death. If that other driver just hadn’t been so selfish to drive drunk, if Cai hadn’t offeredme a lift home, if we’d left five minutes later or five minutes earlier, he’d still be here today.
The fact that life could end over a few tiny, seemingly innocuous choices was what had almost driven me insane. It was why I’d needed to dull my racing thoughts, slow them down, not feel my emotions. Drugs had helped with that, and I’d been addicted to the numbness. But that wasn’t me anymore. I didn’t hide from pain. I accepted it as an inevitable part of life, and that was why I knew that whatever today made me feel, I could get through it.
***
Cai’s parents lived in a nice house in the suburbs. Some of his relatives and friends from school were there. I noted that Roan, Angus, and Kami had already arrived. Elias was missing, but he was probably running late. We all loved Cai, and even though Kami had never met him, having taken his place in the band after he’d passed, she’d come to pay her respects and likely to support Angus.
