Leaning in, I brought my mouth a mere inch from hers, “That I’ll never hurt you again, and I’d suffer a thousand years of agony if it means winning you back.”
Her gaze widened at my words, then, a dark cloud rolled in. My insides churned seeing the pained expression on her face. “You hurt me a lot, Jace.” Her voice was no more than a whisper but no less powerful. I felt the statement like a punch to the gut.
“I know I did, Shan. And there’s no way to ever make up for what I put you through but I’ll still spend the rest of my days trying.”
“It was hell,” she went on, her voice finding form though there was an audible frog in her throat. “I loved you so much but you made me feel so powerless.” My mouth went dry, my entire body tensing. She was so sweet and lovely and I’d hurt her, probably beyond repair. What a selfish shit I was thinking I could ever win her back. Ever deserve her. “Towards the end, when I had hope you were going to give up using, when you promised me you would, and then I turned up to that hotel room to find you so high I thought you’d overdosed, that was the last straw. You broke something in me that day, Jace. I couldn’t do it anymore, and I promised myself I’d never put myself through anything like that again. I had so much hurt and anger and disappointment inside me. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to reach a place of forgiveness, but I managed it eventually.” She paused to search my gaze. “I’m so glad you’re healthy now and that you’re a regular part of our daughter’s life,but us getting back together, I’m not sure it’s a chance I can ever take.”
I had no idea how to respond, and if I was a spectator looking in I might’ve agreed that she shouldn’t give me another chance. But I wasn’t a spectator, I was the man who loved her more than anyone would ever love her. With a deep exhalation, I levelled her with a tender look. “And if you decide not to take it, I’ll accept and understand that decision. But you need to know that you and Zara are my reason for living, and all that pain and anger I caused you? I will spend my every waking minute doing penance for that, for ever giving you a moment of suffering. I despise all that I put you through but you never need to worry about it happening again because I’m steadfast, Shannon. When I finally got into recovery I made a promise not only to myself but to my family, my bandmates, my daughter, and most of all you, that I would never go back. I refuse to be the reason for any of your pain ever again.”
“Those are nice words, Jace, but I’ve been through broken promises before.”
“Then wait and watch. I’ll show you who I am now, and how I’ll never let you down again.” With that I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her temple before I stepped away. “Sleep tight, Shannon. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Pulling the front door shut behind me, I exhaled a long, heavy breath, then headed back to my car. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, just feeling the after effects of Shannon’s words, questioning if I should be doing any of this. If I should just leave her alone, but something inside me refused to let go. I could see our future together and it was too good a dream to just give up on. Shannon couldn’t see that yet, but she would. I’d help her.
When I finally managed to drag myself from my thoughts, I drove in the direction of Angus’ place. He lived alone, his apartment a loft that had been converted from an old textilefactory. When I pressed the buzzer, it only took a few seconds for his voice to fill the speaker.
“What do you want, Jace?”
Glancing up, I noticed the camera above the entrance.
“I just want to talk. I feel like shit about tonight.”
“Your dad already did enough grovelling. It’s fine. I’m over it.”
I could tell he wasn’t though. Angus and I had been close at school. He’d told me everything his parents had put him through, so I knew how much being a part of my family meant to him.
“Then you won’t mind letting me up for a few.”
There was a short pause, and then he replied, “I’ve been drinking.”
“That’s fine. You know I’m okay around alcohol.”
Another pause, then, “You have twenty minutes.”
I always experienced a touch of apartment envy whenever I visited Angus. I mean, Elias’ place was nice, but Angus had put a lot of time and care into creating a home for himself, and it showed. I was also envious of the room where he kept his guitar collection. I’d been living in limbo ever since the divorce, not feeling like settling anywhere, so everything I owned was kept in storage.
There was a pack of beer on the coffee table, two cans already empty. I didn’t drink alcohol anymore, not because it was a problem, but it was a slippery slope. I preferred to keep a clear head, always. I sat down on the couch, and Angus took the armchair across from me. “So, what did my dad say?”
“Some bullshit about people doing things you wouldn’t expect, and you can never assume someone’s innocence in certain situations. Fair enough, but he assumed Shannon’s innocence. What makes her so special?”
“It’s not that she’s special. He just knows how much she cares for me. He watched us fall in love since we were kids, and he doesn’t see her ever doing anything to hurt me, even after the way I hurt her.”
You hurt me a lot, Jace.Her statement from earlier sliced through my mind. The way she said it, the pain in her voice. Nothing could ever make me feel worse than that.
“She fucking divorced you,” Angus pointed out. “And I care about you, too, just as much as Shannon. More, probably. I’d never do anything to hurt you, and it fucked me up when you were on drugs, butIstuck around. I drove you to your first rehab clinic, sat out in the car park for hours, and made sure you didn’t try to leave. As far as I’m concerned, you’re my brother in all but blood, so the fact that you could think me capable—”
“I never thought you capable, Angus. I told my dad outright it wasn’t you or any of the others, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I won’t try to explain away his reasoning because honestly, no one knows what’s really going on in the man’s head at times, but he is the smartest person I know, and I trust him to figure out who’s behind all this. But believe me, I’m angry, too, because I know how much he means to you, and I know this has hurt. I consider you a brother, too, and that will never change. I’m so grateful you were there for me during my addiction, but you need to stop judging Shannon for leaving. It’s different being in a relationship with an addict, especially when you have a small child to think about. Shannon saw me in worse states than you or the rest of the band ever did. She did what she needed to do to survive. I accepted it at the time, and I accept it now. I hope you and Kami can come to accept it, too.”
His gaze met mine, and I saw the emotion sitting right there on the surface. A long quiet fell while Angus sipped his beer, and I just sat there, hoping he could find it in himself to forgive meand my father, who was a great man but could be so carelessly thoughtless at times it honestly baffled belief.
At last he spoke, “You’re right, I’ll back off Shannon. It’s wrong of me to keep blaming her. I wasn’t in her shoes.”
“And the rest?”
He blew out a breath, a hint of humour in his voice. “Well, I guess I can’t do anything other than forgive you after that little speech.”
I chuckled low. “It would be a dick move if you didn’t, for sure.”
