Bridie was watching me. I eased a breath out slowly.
‘So … you’re not bi?’ she asked.
‘No.’
‘But you were okay to be with these women, though.’
‘I wasn’t just okay with it. I liked it.’
‘So that’s bi, Dad. That’s bi.’ She put her hands up. Let them flop in her lap, exasperated. ‘And if you are bi, why did you have to leave Mum?’
‘I’m not bisexual, Bridie.’
‘But …’ She sighed. Had no words.
‘Bridie, all I can tell you is that when I was ever alone or single or whatever, I thought about men. Only men. And I only want to be with men now. That’s how I see things going. From now on. I see myself being with a man permanently one day. Maybe. If I can find someone who will tolerate my never-ending bullshit.’
‘But how do you do that for twenty years?’ Bridie asked. ‘Be with Mum but have this crazy secret hanging around in the background? This future that you’re fantasising about with some guy?’
‘It wasn’t hard in the beginning. It was just a … like a voice that I got into the habit of ignoring. It was like living under a flight path. Your brain just sort of blocks out the noise of the planes going over. And I—you’ve got to understand, Bridie—I wasn’t unhappy in my marriage to your mother. I wasn’t starved for affection. And I enjoyed making love to her because I was attracted toher. To Georgia. Your mother is my best friend, Bridie. I mean, she was. Not anymore, obviously. I’m not hers, that’s for sure. But she … she’s still mine. I don’t have a friend in my life who I care about as much as I care about Georgia. And I hope you believe me when I say this, that I wasn’t sleeping with your mother and pretending in my mind that she was some random guy. I didn’t want to leave her at all, Bridie.’
‘What?’
‘I didn’twantto leave her. I had to.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I was lying to her. And you don’t lie to the people you love.’
‘Did you ever cheat on her?’
‘No.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’ I looked her in the eyes. ‘Really.’
‘Not once in twenty years? Not, like, a kiss.’
‘No.’
‘Nothing. Not a moment.’
I exhaled, stared at the stars again.
‘There was a moment,’ I said. ‘So I ended it with your mother. Maybe two or three days later.’
‘What happened?’
The silhouettes of the forest moved all around me. The gold lights on the hill. I held my face for a moment or two.
‘It’s so stupid.’ I had to laugh.
‘Try me.’
I talked myself out of, and then back into, my next words. ‘He was a dentist.’
‘What?’
