‘Yep?’
‘I have a question for you.’
A sparkle of pain in my chest. I took a deep breath. ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Bridie kept tapping. Eyes on her screen. Then she said, ‘When did you know?’
The darkness whispered all around me. The forest humming with life. The question came like a slap in the face, even though I’d known it had to be in the works. Had been waiting for it for years.I’d rehearsed my answer to my daughter about this question ten thousand times. Still, I found myself stalling.
‘When did I know I was gay, you mean?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Like, did I already know when I married your mother?’ I said. Struggling, flailing, clutching for wisps of time that dissolved as soon as I had them. ‘Was I faking it with her the whole time?’
‘Um, yeah.’
I nodded. Folded my arms. Told myself to make eye contact with her. Failed to do so. ‘It … It’s not a simple answer, Bridie. I mean, I … I’d had thoughts about other boys when I was a kid. Those thoughts turned sort of … sexual … when I was a teenager.’
Bridie said nothing. Waiting for more. Leaving me to squirm. I wandered a few feet away from the stone wall. Wandered back. Felt her eyes on me the whole time. Finally, she said, ‘We don’t have to—’
‘No, I want to. I want to try to explain it.’ I looked up at the stars. There were no answers up there, but I looked anyway. ‘You have to understand that, in my house … growing up with Dad. It was like, if you’re gay, there’s something wrong with you.’
‘Okay.’
‘Like, anyone who wants to do that kind of stuff with other men has got to have a screw loose. Something went wrong with them in the womb, the gays. That’s how they’d explain it to us, Mum and Dad both. So, in the beginning, with me, it was about hiding the fact that there was something wrong with me. From everyone. Especially Dad. Because if you had a weakness, he’d sniff it out and use it. So if there was ever something going on with you, you had to do whatever you could to keep it hidden.’
I glanced over. Bridie nodded.
‘And also, I mean, I didn’t sort of know that was a possibility. Being gay.’
‘You didn’t know it existed?’
‘I knew it existed, I just didn’t know it wascommon. There weren’t a lot of gay men on TV in the seventies. I mean, there weregay celebrities. And drag queens. But they weren’t real people to me. There were no gay people in our town. None that I knew of. I didn’t meet my first real-life gay man until I was in the police academy. So … eighteen?’
‘Oh, wow.’
‘Yeah. And there very much seemed to be something wrong with him. He was a miserable bastard. I mean, more of a bastard than I am, even. Aloof. Withdrawn. He was one of our instructors. Just before my intake class graduated—maybe the week before—he blew his own brains out in his office on campus.’
‘Jesus.’
‘They said it was a gun-cleaning accident.’
Bridie swallowed. Her mouth was so dry, it seemed, she made a clacking sound with her tongue trying to do it. ‘Did you ever have girlfriends?’
‘Oh, yeah. I always had girlfriends.’ This was getting easier. I couldn’t believe it, but it was actually gettingeasierthe longer I talked. ‘But I wasn’t, uh,attracted towomen. If that makes sense? Like, I didn’t go after them. They came after me. They would just pop into my life and we’d end up as boyfriend and girlfriend.’
‘But were you were faking it with them?’
‘No.’ I scratched my stubble. ‘No. I’ve never faked it with anyone, Bridie. Not your mother. Not anyone.’
Bridie shook her head. ‘I don’t get it, Dad.’
‘It’s like … these women would turn up. And we’d grow close, you know? Become friends. Really deep, sort of …intimatefriends. And then it would turn sexual. I mean, months later. Months and months. Guys used to make fun of me for it. Like, I’d never have a one-night stand. They’d say “Oh, Russell, he needs to meet the parents before he’ll get with a chick.” But it wasn’t that. It was just that I was …growingan attraction to these women, I guess. Based on who they … who theywere?’ I palmed sweat from my hairline. ‘Not like … them as women. Does that make sense?’
‘Maybe.’
‘That’s how it was with Georgia. When I was with her I was withher, I wasn’t witha woman.’
