CHAPTER 18
Lucy struggled to fall asleep that night.
Try as she might, she could not stop thinking about Marcus and how strangely he had behaved earlier. Not at first, of course. Not when he was sitting on the floor, nervous about James crawling toward him, but somehow also excited.
And when James had chosen him, Lucy saw how thrilled her husband was. Despite his reservations, the baby was not terrified him, just as there was hope that he might be able to be its father.
It was what happened after that tormented her.
He is just so guarded. Every time that I think he is letting down his walls, they seem to grow even taller. And I know he wants them down too. I can see it in his eyes, as I can feel it when we are together.
She thought too about Lady Honoria and what she had said of their childhood. These revelations made it pretty darn clear to Lucy what the problem was, and why Marcus acted the way he did. But knowing a thing, and knowing how to solve it, were two separate beasts.
Worse too, as she tried to find sleep, Lucy worried that she might never find a way to help Marcus, and that this right here was as far as their marriage was destined to go.
It is so strange that one week ago I was perfectly happy with such a thing. While now, that thought saddens me. I have seen what is possible, and cannot help but yearn for it…
Fed up, frustrated, and knowing that sleep would not come, Lucy threw back her blankets, climbed from her bed, snatched her robe, and hurried from her room.
As child, when she could not sleep, and when her mother was alive, she would often drink a glass of warm milk. It had been years since she’d done this, and she had no idea if the milk was the reason it would work, or if it was simply the act of her mother keeping her safe. But, in the face of her turning mind and dread-filled thoughts, she decided to give it a try.
So, Lucy made for the kitchen downstairs. On the way, of course, she stopped by James’ room to check that he was sleeping.
He was too. Fast asleep. She stood in the doorway for a moment, watching him, the love in her heart growing because she was done pretending that she did not want what James offeredher. Motherhood… a life beyond what she thought that she deserved… and a chance for a different kind of happily ever after to what might have been previously imagined.
She headed for the kitchens next.
Lucy’s thoughts were still plagued with memories of her husband, and it was for that reason that she paid little attention to where she was going, and it was for that reason that it was not until she walked right into the kitchen that she realized it was not empty.
“Lucy?”
“Oh!” she jumped on the spot, her heart leaping through her throat. “Marcus! What are you doing awake?”
Indeed, Marcus stood in the kitchen by the stovetops. It was dark in the large kitchen, and the moon was hidden behind a bank of clouds in the sky outside so that its white light struggled to breach the window. In fact, the only light came from the flame on the stove top, set low, warming a small pan filled with… she could not guess.
“I might ask you the same question,” he said, and she could see his wary smile in the dark.
“I could not sleep,” she admitted and walked toward him. “I take it you are the same?”
He sighed and went back to looking at the pan on the stove. “When I was a child, if I could not sleep, my nurse would give me a glass of warm milk to drink.”
“Not your mother?” she asked without thinking.
“No, never her.” His voice turned dark suddenly and she felt the atmosphere in the room shift.
Stupid, Lucy. You know about his relationship with his parents. Why poke the bear? Why bring up such memories that are only going to make things worse?
“I am the same…” She laughed softly but stopped a few feet back. Memories of earlier today were still in her mind and she did not want to scare him. “The warm milk, I mean. I thought I would make some.”
“Oh…” He looked into the pan. “I think… there should be enough for the two of us.”
“Are you offering to make me a glass of warm milk?” she joked lightly. “How gallant.”
He scoffed. “Only if there is enough left for you.”
She laughed because she sensed the humor in his comment. “Thank you, I appreciate it.”
“Of course.” He turned back to check on the milk.
