CHAPTER 11
What are you doing, Lucy? Embarrassing yourself, is what. You have no business here, and even the baby knows it.
Lucy stood outside the nursery, bracing herself for the inevitable. She had been putting off visiting baby James all morning but knew that to continue to do so would solve nothing. She had promised Marcus that she would help with the baby, and she meant to follow through on that promise.
Even if she was certain to only make things worse.
In truth, she might have put it off for even longer, was it not for the conversation she and Marcus had earlier. It still rattled about in her mind, bringing with it conflicting emotions and confusion both.
It was a discussion that they needed to have, and Lucy was relieved that Marcus had been the one to insist on it. More thanthat, she was relieved by how the discussion had gone, and while she was not ready to make any outrageous claims about what this marriage might become, like a lone candle pushing away the darkness of night, there was a flicker of hope deep within, the sense that things might not be nearly so bad as they could be.
It is getting harder for me to dislike him, or to not trust him at his word. He appears honest in what he promised, and until he gives me a reason to think otherwise… the least I can do is try.
That was why she stood outside the nursery, bracing herself. Done with her initial hostility, finished with her desire to make her complaints known, it was time that Lucy accepted her lot and made the best of the situation.
Also, there was a part of herself that rather liked the idea of Marcus being impressed with her…
“Might I come in?” She knocked on the doorway to the nursery and stepped inside.
“Oh! Your Grace.” The older woman from the previous night sat nursing the baby. It was sound asleep in her arms, totally at peace with the world. “I was not expecting you.”
“This is not a bad time, I hope.”
“Not at all,” she said with a pleasant smile. “In fact, the timing is perfect.”
The older woman’s name was Helga, and she had a kindly face. It was the type that invited immediate trust, as if she would not dare to hurt so much as a fly. Indeed, little James seemed to think as much as he slept soundly in her arms.
“I did not have a chance to properly introduce myself last evening,” Lucy said as she waded cautiously into the nursery. “I was not myself.”
“Oh, I know who you are,” Helga said. “We all do, of course. Perhaps I should be the one apologizing.”
“Whatever for?”
“I fear that Margaret and I were a tad short with you last evening.” She smiled apologetically. “His Grace has told us that you mean to care for little James as a mother, and that we should afford you all the help you require. We should not have hurried you from the room as we did.”
“Please, there is no need to apologize.”
“And yet, I am going to do it anyway.” Helga laughed softly, sure not to wake the baby.
Lucy smiled at the joke, appreciating how it eased her awkwardness because surely Helga could sense just how out of place Lucy was.
Even James seems to shift closer to Helga’s chest, as if he can – no, Lucy. Do not go down that path again. He is just a baby!
“Might I ask if you have any experience with children?” Helga asked as if she could read Lucy’s thoughts.
Lucy’s eyes widened and she searched for an answer that would not make her appear a complete fool. “I… not as much as I might like.” Helga looked at her plainly and Lucy grimaced. “That is to say, I have none.”
She braced for the reprieve. No doubt, someone as experienced as Helga would wonder why she thought that she was capable of caring for James, and what it was that she was even supposed to do.
“So, you are like most mothers then,” Helga chuckled.
“Excuse me?”
“There is a myth about motherhood that needs to be dismissed,” Helga explained. “This idea that once a woman has her first child, she will immediately become blessed with the skills required to take care of the child. As if it is somehow an inborn yearning that we all have.” She clicked her tongue and shook her head. “This could not be further from the truth.”
“But surely some women are better than others?”
“And why would they be? That is like saying all men known how to ride horses just because they have stronger arms and thighs. I tell you now, I have met many a many who looks about as comfortable on a horse as he does walking a tightrope.”
