I slammed my helmet on and straddled my bike before starting it. Casa came out of the gas station at the same time as I sped away, leaving my brothers and Charlie behind. Fuck them, and fuck that shit. And fuck Hardy too, I thought as I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket. Fuck them all.
I drove straight, riding through red stoplights and ignoring every other thing on the road. Deep down, I felt like part of me was almost intent on causing an accident so I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit anymore, but the other part stopped me at the very last moment each time.
I passed straight through town and out the other side, not really aiming to go anywhere, but needing to move no matter what. I drove and drove, but the anger wouldn’t dissipate like it normally did. Instead it built up inside me until I felt like a human fucking bomb that was waiting to explode.
I needed to vent.
I needed to fight.
I needed to fucking kill, if I had to.
And I knew that there was ever only one cure for the way I was feeling right then, only one thing that ever calmed me down, and that was Laney.
I pulled over to the side of the road and got off my bike before tearing my helmet off and throwing it to the ground. My chest felt tight, and my lungs burned like they were on fire. I was suffocating in my own anger. I leaned over and placed my hands on my knees. Every breath in felt restricted and painful.
The highway was pretty empty, but what little cars there were all made sure to get a good look at me as they drove by. I gave them all the finger, and screamed at them as they passed until they sped up and looked away.
I was losing my fucking mind.
That was the only explanation for any of this. I pulled out my gun and thought about sticking it in my mouth and then pulling the trigger, but I knew I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I wasn’t a pussy and that was a pussy’s way out. No, I would go out in a blaze of fucking glory—the same way Butch should have gone.
Not drunk and driving our bike off the road like an asshole. Stupid fucker got what he deserved for drinking and driving; he knew the risks, yet he still got on that bike—the bike that we built together.
I kicked at the ground, my hands shaking from the anger coursing through my veins, and then I looked up at the sky and screamed Butch’s name. The single word tore me apart, splitting me open down the center and reducing me to nothing but dust.
I’d barely been able to say his name since he’d died. Because every time I said it, it was a knife wound twisting I my gut, and with every twist my insides tore up some more. Butch was all I had left.
He wasn’t just my brother, he was my only true family.
He was my fucking world.
He was both my mother and my father, my brother and my best friend.
I thought of his face the last time I’d seen him, and I wished I could go back in time and have that last moment with him again. He’d taken my place on a job for the club—nothing serious, just checking out our new warehouse. He promised me he’d be back to finish off the party and have a beer with me and Dom.
But he never made it back.
Apparently he stopped off to buy beer and got to drinking it before he even got back to the party. And then he’d ridden his bike off the road and crashed it into a ditch. His life blinked out in a split second.
My final words to him had been the nail in the coffin, and one of the reasons I hated myself so much.
3 months ago
The party was in full swing—bitches hanging off any available man, and brothers drinking and fucking as much as they wanted. We’d had some shipments go missing the last couple of months, but todays had been business as usual. Put Hardy in a fuckin’ great mood, too—hence the party, though you wouldn’t have thought it from Dom’s expression. Fucker was in a bad mood and had stormed out earlier on. That fucker was never happy, even when he had a woman on his dick and a beer in his hand.
I walked with Butch toward the door. “You sure you’re cool with going?” I asked.
“Fuck yeah, Laney is drunk off her ass, you need to get her home,” he replied. “Besides, I need some fresh air anyway.”
“Rider gave me the order to head out to the new warehouse, though,” I said, patting Pipes on the shoulder as he passed me, his arms laden down with beer.
“It’s cool. It don’t matter who goes, only that someone does. Just need to make sure it’s secured for the night and we can get it checked over properly tomorrow. Besides, I could do with getting some space.” He turned to watch Pipes cross the room. “Keep an eye on him,” he said.
I followed his gaze, watching as Pipes put the beer down with the rest and turned to leave. Rider stopped him and grabbed a beer before handing it to Pipes and patting him on the back.
“You not feeling him?” I asked. Pipes had felt like a good fit to me. Few more months and I reckoned he’d be patched in if he kept up the work he was doing.
“Something about him I’m not feeling.” Butch finally looked away and we headed outside. “Save me a beer too,” he laughed.
