JOLIE
Avoiding Gauge in ahouse that big turned out to be pretty easy. Whenever we did happen to cross paths, one or both of us would turn and head in the opposite direction, eager to avoid aconfrontation that would likely occur.
It had been twenty-four hours, and after anight of tossing and turning in the biggest bed ever, my mood was sour. Every noise had put me on edge. Every time I’dfallen asleep, I’dwoken up scared, momentarily forgetting where Iwas. The urge to go find Gauge so Iwasn’ton my own had been strong, but I’dresisted, refusing to give him the satisfaction that Ineeded—or wanted—him.
It wasn’tjust that though. Iwasn’tused to spending long periods on my own. Growing up, our house had always been busy. People coming and going. Kids running around. Parents yelling. TVs and stereos blaring. Then everything had changed and slowly everyone had left. School had been adistraction for awhile, but the constant torment from other girls about myhot brothersor mycriminal brothershad made it impossible for me to concentrate on my studies, so I’ddropped out. The house had grown quiet, Iwas done with school, so I’dturned to Hazy Nights. Music and dancing had become the noise that Ineeded in my life, until now that had been taken away too.
My brothers, my mom, even my friends had turned their backs on me when I’dstarted working at the club, and if Iwas being honest with myself, Ihad always known they would. But they didn’tget it so Itook their judgments with apinch of salt.
We all learn to cope with grief in different ways. Dom embedded himself deeper into his club, Danton joined the army, Marcel turned to drugs, and Louie made it very clear that he would do anything and everything to get ascholarship so he could get out of our house and town for good. When our dad had died suddenly, it had rocked our family and we had never recovered. One by one we had left until it was just Mom alone in the house. That worried me most of all, because despite my hate and anger with my family, Iloved them too. But Iloved my mom most of all. But what was amom supposed to do when all her birds had flown the nest? What became the purpose in life when there was no one left to care for? These were supposed to be the years that she spent with our dad, heading into retirement together and waiting for grandchildren to arrive.
Guilt and worry had caught up with me now that Ihad been forced to sit still, and Ididn’tlike it one bit. Isighed and paced some more, finding myself going slightly insane with the silence around me. The house was in the middle of nowhere, which was good for security but not good for wanting company. Every once in awhile Icould hear Gauge moving around the house, the stomp of his heavy footsteps echoing through the quiet, but he was keeping his distance. And good riddance. The man was awalking robot, just like all bikers. He was a“yes sir, no sir” man who thought he could handle anything, when in reality he was just alittle boy who couldn’thandle areal woman like me.
Pacing the floor, Ifelt myself growing more annoyed, the silence making me feel trapped and wanting to act out.
Ilistened as his heavy stomps came down the stairs at the front of the house, and Ifelt my cheeks heating once more at the memory of his hands on my hips, rocking me back and forth against his hard length. My stomach flipped, my nipples hardening with the memories of his mouth on my breasts, his tongue flicking at my nipple, and Igroaned and forced the thoughts away.
Pushing the thoughts away, Iturned my mind elsewhere. Thinking of Gauge would lead me nowhere good. He’dalready made it very clear how he felt about me, and Iwasn'tabout to beg aman—especially not him—for anything. He didn’twant me, and that was fine by me. Ididn’twant him either. He was adisgusting, sexist asshole anyway, and Ideserved way better.
Making my way down to the kitchen, Iprepared myself aquick meal of pasta and sauce from the food in the cupboards. There was alittle fresh food, milk and bread, and there was plenty of canned and dried food, but Iwould have killed for some Cheetos.
Wearing apair of denim cutoffs and an oversized white shirt I’dfound in one of the drawers upstairs, Imade my way outside. I’dunbuttoned the top buttons and tied the bottom of it up so it bared my toned stomach, and it was thankfully cool as Isat down on one of the sun loungers.
Iate the food in barely afew minutes and then Ilay back to relax. Being in hiding wasn’tall bad. Icouldn’tremember the last time that I’dhad time to just stop and relax. Iwasn’tsure exactly of the area that we were in, but Iknew that we were far away from any other homes. On the long ride up, I’dnoted that the mansion was at least acouple of miles clear in every direction. Whatever the Highwaymen did there, they had made sure it wasn’tin earshot of anyone. That should have scared me, and yet after what I’dseen recently, it didn’t.
Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, Ifelt myself relaxing further. The warm sun kissed my skin, and the sound of the pool water lapping made my thoughts begin to drift. Suddenly Iwasn’tthere, safe and sound. Iwas back on the boat, with that bastard holding me down. He was laughing in my face as he spread my legs and tore my underwear away. The evil in his eyes burned through me; his gloating, his anger, his hate for me…for women. He would make me pay for it all.
Isat upright, my eyes springing open. My throat was tight and Iautomatically clasped ahand to it, half expecting to feel his hands wrapped around it, but of course they weren’t. Iwas alone.
Iblinked several times, my body feeling hot and sweaty. Standing up, Iwalked to the edge of the pool and looked down into the clear water. The allure of the deep pulled me toward it. Iwished Ihad apole to dance on. Dancing was my release, feeling my muscles twist and burn as Idanced my stresses and fears away. But there was no pole. No music. And likely no job at the club anymore. Not to mention my only friend Violet couldn’tever be trusted again. I’dlost everything, and for once it hadn’tbeen my fault.
Tears pooled in my eyes but Irefused to let them out, choosing instead to simply step off the edge of the pool and let myself fall into the water.
Down, down Iwent.
The water swallowed me up, soaking into my skin and sucking me down further.
And God it felt good.
Ifelt physically bruised from life, but suddenly Ifelt cushioned from the wounds. Protected from anything else from hurting me. The world muffled around me as my ass hit the bottom of the pool, and Ispread my arms wide, pushing myself to keep my body down. Ididn’twant to go back up. To breathe. To fight. To survive. Down there it felt so much simpler.
Down there Iwould just let go of it all.
And then the water was frenzied around me and Gauge’sstrong grip was wrapping around me and pulling me up. Ifelt him kicking as Ilay limply in his arms, the warmth of his grip holding me to his strong body as we broke the surface.
“Jolie!” he yelled into my face as Itipped my face up to the sky and sucked in abreath of air. He shook me, his arms holding me tighter still.
Ilooked at him, seeing the panic and worry on his face. “I’mfine,” Ireplied calmly, even though Ididn’tfeel fine.
“What happened?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused. “You were there and then you were gone… What the fuck happened?”
Ibegan to push away from him but he refused to relinquish his grip on me. Our wet bodies were melded as one, skin slick against one another’s. “Gauge, I’mfine. Let me go!”
“Not until you tell me what just happened,” he replied, his frown deepening.
His hair was slicked back, and water dripped down his face and off his beard. My hair was tangled across my face and he used ahand to push it away from my face, his eyes roaming my head and shoulders to check that Iwas okay.
“Call it an existential crisis if you will, but I’mfine now. Jesus Christ, get off of me!” Iwas squirming and twisting in his grip, but he was impossible to escape from. “Gauge! Let me go, please.”
