I swallow thickly, looking out over the horizon, smelling the spring, morning air and letting it fill my lungs. “I just don’t understand how I didn’t know all this time I was attracted to men.”
I can tell he’s being delicate now because he’s careful with his words. “I don’t know that you are.”
My head snaps back into his direction. “What?” This is confusing as hell.
“I think you’re attracted to Dakota.” He says it slowly, and my brain hurts. But Jackson is patient with me this time. “I think you were also attracted to Shelly, but think back for me, okay?” I’m listening, and I nod to let him know I am. “Before Shelly, was there anyone you were seriously attracted to?”
“We were basically kids,” I deadpan.
“You were a teenage boy. When I was a teenager, my crush could change just from the time I went from one classroom to the next. By the hour, man.”
I chuckle because I want to point out not much has changed. But that seems cruel. I know Jackson wants to settle down and meetthe one,but I’m not sure if one man or woman could really hold his attention. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I happen to like Jackson just the way he is—even with all his wild antics and crazy exes. I think back to before I fell for Shelly... We were friends for a while, and she was actually the one who asked me out. She had to point out that it would be for an actual date because while I really liked her, I guess my mind didn’t really go there until she mentioned it.
But after that first date—which was for sure a date—I was all-in with her. I fell and fell hard. I thought we’d spend our whole lives together. “No. I just wanted Shelly.”
He doesn’t look like he’s judging me at all, but it does seem like he’s waiting for me to come to some sort of conclusion, and I gotta say, I’ve got nothing. “And then after Shelly... were you attracted to anyone else? As in you wanted to date them.”
“Not until Dakota,” I answer, still confused.
“Right. So, I can’t tell you your sexuality. It’s not my place or anyone else’s, but I think for you, it’s about connection. I think it takes you a long time to fall, and then once you do, you fall hard.” He squeezes my shoulder and looks into my eyes. “And there’s nothing at all wrong with that.”
“Huh,” I muse, thinking over what he’s trying to tell me, but it makes sense. “So I’m Shelly-and-Dakota-sexual?”
He cracks up at that and then pats me on the shoulder before releasing me. “If that’s the label you want, man. Then sure. You could also be demisexual, but I’m not sure you really need to be anything but Gabe.”
I grin. “Thanks, man.”
“No problem. So what are you going to do on this date?”
And my frown is back. “I have no fucking idea.”
He laughs. “Come on. I know you have to have thought about it.”
I have, nonstop. But it all really comes back to just wanting to do what I’ve done with him since the beginning. Just hanging around his house, maybe petting some kittens this time. Maybe even doing some gardening in his new greenhouse... yeah, fun date.
“Don’t overthink it,” he scolds, knowing me way too well.
“I thought about a fancy restaurant—or as fancy as I can find around here.”
“So the tavern?” he asks with a laugh.
“Exactly,” I joke, though no, there’s a pretty nice little steakhouse downtown I was thinking about. “But he doesn’t really...” I don’t want to call him anti-social. It’s not his fault those pricks tortured him in his formative years, and maybe he doesn’t really like to leave his house.
“Like being around people?” Jackson supplies, and I nod.
“But I told him I wanted to take him on a real date. That means dinner and a movie, right? In town.”
He just shrugs that off. “Arealdate doesn’t exist. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Do something special, something where you both can relax. If you take him to a crowded restaurant here in town, where hell, you could very likely run into some asshole who thought it was funny to bully him, do you think he’d be relaxed?”
My entire body tenses up at the thought of that, and I suddenly feel a little homicidal.
“Okay then,” Jackson says lightly. “That answers that. So do what you want. What you feel. I promise you when it’s right, it’s right.”
“I thought it was right with Shelly,” I say, keeping my voice down. I know no one here would judge me, and they aren’t paying attention to us anyway, but it’s embarrassing to me.
The divorce.
