I shrug helplessly, still trying to avoid his gaze. “Hey, look at me. Why didn’t you want to tell me? What’s the problem?”
“Is that okay with you? That I...” Oh, fuck it, I’ve known that I’m gay for a while now, the realization is anything but new, so why can’t I just say it out loud? The door is closed, no one is home, no one can hear me.
“That you like guys?” Finn’s voice is soft, he gently puts his arm around my shoulders, and I lean into him.
“Isn’t it weird for you?" Even though I can’t see Finn’s expression, I know exactly how he’s looking at me when he jerks his head in my direction.
“The only thing that’s weird for me is that you never told me.”
“No one can know,” I whisper.
“Excuse me? Why?”
"Two years ago, I found out that my father is a homophobic asshole. There were photos of my half-sister kissing a woman, and my father kicked her out. And not justout of the company. He completely cut her off, out of our lives. I haven’t seen Theresa since that day." My whole body is shaking. The same thing would happen to me if Louis and I were caught, I’m 100% sure of that. There is no alternative scenario in which everything could turn out well.
“Are you sure that was all?” Finn is worried, I can hear it in the slight tremor in his voice. "Maybe you misunderstood something? Your father is really strict, yes. He constantly checks your grades, and he doesn’t let you stay anywhere overnight, not even at my place after a party or something. At least you’re allowed to go to parties now. But I never had the feeling that he was homophobic.”
Yes, I’m still surprised because it doesn’t fit with what I know of my father, but... “Theresa had no reason to lie to me, right? She didn’t know that I... that I’m gay and that she’d turn my life upside down."
Now it’s Finn shrugging his shoulders helplessly. We don’t say anything for a long time. I feel like Finn needs to get a grip on the implications of the situation and let it sink in, and I’m just scared shitless.
“Okay, so what do you think would happen if your father found out you were with a boy?”
I take a deep breath. “I told you, he’ll cut me off. He’ll take away my future, he’ll...”
“The company? The one you want so badly because…?”
I stare at him in disbelief. "Finn, we’ve known each other for ten years. Have I ever wanted to do anything other than work for this company? No, I haven’t. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been sneaking around my father’s office, running the halls. The company has been family-owned since it was founded, for five generations, and I would be the sixth. Ever since I was a little boy, it has been my dream to have my photo in the halls of the company someday. My father’s eyeslight up when he talks about the history of the company and about me as his future successor. I don’t want to disappoint him. What will happen to me if I disappoint him?”
A single tear runs down my cheek. What would I do if he kicks me out? Where would I go? How would I go to university? The risk is too big—or maybe I’m too chickenshit—but I can’t do it. Not now. Probably never, at least not while my father is alive, but those are details I don’t want to worry about right now. I just want to be with Louis, to look at him and kiss him. That’s all I want.
“Okay, no one will find out from me. But you can’t talk to each other at school anymore, or you might as well put up a neon sign in the auditorium.” Fuck.
Chapter 10
Louis
17 years
There are different types of leaders, both in life and on the handball court. David is a strategist, someone with a plan who quietly pulls the strings behind the scenes, leading our team with his calmness, intelligence, and presence. He’s never loud, but he’s always efficient.
At school, there is always a group of other boys buzzing around him, but the only one who really matters to him is Finn. The two have been best friends since elementary school and are inseparable. At least until school ends, then it’s my time. The first few days, we tried to see each other at school,discretely, from a distance, but Finn immediately realized that something was going on. From that moment on, it was crystal clear that as long as we weren’t out, there would be no contact—especially no eye contact.
***
“Do you two know each other?” Surprised, I turn to my buddy snapping me out of my thoughts.
“What?”
“Do you know the guy over there? The one from twelfth grade? I think his name is David. He’s been staring over here the entire break.” The second I turn my head our eyes lock. One more look and I see that Finn isn’t with him. A brief smile lifts the corners of my mouth, then I raise my hand in greeting. Completely normal, completely inconspicuous.
“Yes, from handball. We’ve been playing together this season. I transferred to his team.”
“And what’s he like?”
I grin to myself. Hot, gentle, funny. “He’s really good. We play great together.” On and off the court.
Kian squirms. “No, that’s not what I meant. Is he... nice?” I raise my eyebrows questioningly. “My sister said that… well, rumor has it he’s never had a girlfriend. But... don’t get me wrong, he’s good looking, isn’t he? For a guy, I mean.”
