“Would you do it again?” His voice trembles and I hear him swallow. Completely reflexively and somehow unasked, my head turns in his direction.
What kind of question is that? Would I do what again? Let him rip my heart out? “What do you mean?”
“Imagine you’re sixteen again. Would you get together with me, even if you knew how it would end... that we...”
“That you would cut me out of your life without giving me my heart back?” My words are harsh, I can hear that myself, but that’s how it felt, there’s no sugarcoating it. David’s chin sinks to his chest and with a long exhalation, his otherwise upright posture collapses.
Dark blond strands fall into his eyes. My fingers tingle, drawn magnetically, desperate to brush the hair from his beautiful face, and I have to give in. “Yes, I would do it again. Because no matter how much it hurt, we had a wonderful time together. You showed me what it feels like to be in love, to love and be loved. Every new feeling will have to measure up to that forever.”
He quickly looks around again; we are alone now that the sun is fully up. Hesitantly, David’s gaze seeks mine, his green eyes meet mine, and I know what’s going to happen. As if inslow motion, his lips sink down to mine. “And would you do it again now?”
My heart and my body want to scream yes, grab his hair, pull him down to me, and press his lips to mine, but my mind holds me back.
Gently but firmly, I push him away. My fingertips tingle as I press on his chest. and I feel his heart beating in my palm. I have to summon all my willpower. “David, tell me what you want.”
“I want to be with you. I want you back.” I want that too, so badly, but there’s one thing we’ve never talked about in all these months, though I’m pretty sure I know the answer. He senses my hesitation, but he’s drawing the wrong conclusions. His eyes dart nervously around, and he finds it difficult to maintain eye contact. “I thought... it felt like...”
“Are you out? Do your parents know you’re gay?” David’s face contorts in pain. His eyes widen, panicked, and the sound that leaves his mouth sounds more like an injured animal than a human being. It cuts into my chest like a knife, because it’s answer enough. No. He’s not out.
“But I love you.”
No “I will, I promise,” which I even might have believed. Instead, David stands there, frozen, tears filling his eyes, his lower lip trembling, and my fragile heart not only breaks, it shatters like a Christmas ornament on a tile floor. Before I went to Karlsruhe I made myself a promise, and I will not break that now. I owe that to myself, no matter how much it hurts.
“And I love you. Still. That has never changed. But I’m not going to hide anymore. I’m not going to ask you to come out for me, that’s your own decision and it wouldn’t be fair. I know you’re scared, but I’m not going back into the closet.”
I hold onto his T-shirt once more where my hand is stillresting on his chest, holding him tight. One last time. My vision is blurring; I have to let go. Slowly, I open my fingers, let the fabric slip from my grip, and take two steps back.
David’s hands fall limply from my hips to his sides, and before I change my mind, before I break, I turn and walk away. Faster than would be polite, but I’m not going to break down in front of him. I grab my phone and dial Paul’s number. It rings, and when the voicemail picks up, I try again.
“Why are you calling?” I woke him up, but I didn’t expect anything else.
“Can you pick me up?” My voice breaks.
“Where?” He doesn’t ask any questions; he can hear that something is wrong.
“Turmberg.”
“Give me fifteen minutes.” I keep walking, as if in a fog, not really seeing where I’m going, and when a car pulls up beside me, I don’t notice until Paul gets out and engulfs me with his arms. He pushes me into the passenger seat of my Polo and drives off.
Silently he looks at me from the side. I feel his gaze, but I can’t respond. He parks in front of our house and leads me up the stairs. As if through cotton wool I can feel him. How he undresses me, lays me down in my bed and follows behind me, his chest against my back, his hand on my stomach, and that’s the moment I fall.
I cry silently for the future with the man I love. For the second time, I cry for the only man I have ever loved. The only man I will probably ever love.
I must have fallen asleep at some point. When I come back to myself, the bed behind me is cold. I take a deep breath, rub the stinging emptiness in my chest with the palm of my hand and search for a bad feeling, but there is none. Even though ithurts now, I made the right decision for myself. I stare at the ceiling and watch the dancing green dots, images of David’s eyes haunting me.
“Hey, you’re awake. Coffee?”
“Red Bull?” Paul looks at me as if I had puked at his feet—and rightly so, by the way.
“Honey, honestly, no. I’ll bring you something tasty. And then you tell me what happened.” Five minutes later, Paul hands me an iced coffee. With coffee ice cubes, vanilla ice cream, and whipped cream with cocoa powder. He just knows me too well.
Cross-legged he plops down on my bed sucking on his own straw. “I’m all ears.”
“David still hasn’t come out.”
“Okay... you already suspected that.”
"I told him I wasn’t going back into the closet. Then I left.”
