Slowly, I prop myself up on my elbows and nod.
“We didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Just to annoy you a little.” These two.
“Are you feeling better now?” I want to ask him why I should feel better, what significant changes could’ve happened in the last seventy-six minutes, but my words getstuck somewhere along the way, because yes, I do feel better. I don’t know how things will resolve for David and me, but I know what I need to think about and what decisions I have to make for myself.
“Talking to Paps was good.”
“Okay, then hop out of bed.” Luca is a little too enthusiastic for my liking, but I don’t completely refuse and sit up. “We haven’t done anything together in a long time, how about a quick trip to the Köpfle. With the mountain bikes or hiking if you like.”
A quick trip is relative. It’s easily a three-hour ride from here, two of which are uphill. But just the thought of it makes my hands and feet tingle, and damn it, yes, I’m really up for it.
We get ready in record time, slipping into our pedals and attaching water bottles to our bikes. Jannis and I used to do this a lot with Paps. When Luca came, I was already away for university, but he quickly took my place and on weekends the four of us went out together. I don’t know why we stopped doing that in the last two years.
“Have you been riding a lot lately?” Phew, talking and pedaling is not a good idea. Fuck, I’m really out of shape. Yes, I admit it, I haven’t been on my bike in a while, but I haven’t thought it was that bad. Jannis and Luca are pedaling easily ahead of me, and I’m seriously considering whether this is a possible way to die. From exhaustion or humiliation, I haven’t decided yet. Both are plausible.
“Ah, once or twice a week. Paps comes along from time to time too.” As if pedaling up this hill were no effort at all, Luca turns around relaxed as he answers.
Humiliation, my cause of death will definitely be death by humiliation.
On a small plateau, I allow myself a quick look around.Mistake. Immediately, the white wooden cross behind the bench on a small hill at the edge of the forest catches my eye.
Our place. We had been there so many times, I couldn’t give a number, not even a rough one. We used to ride our bikes up into the vineyards without any real destination in mind. An escape into the darkness, to a place beyond our privacy fence. We always felt safe here in the nights when the hikers and cyclists were gone.
“Hey, can we go to the bench for a moment?”
“Do you need a break?” That sounds tempting too, but that’s not the reason.
“Just a quick breather and something to drink.”
“All right, old man.” My brothers laugh at me but turn right at the appropriate intersection before they come to a halt. So many memories rush through my mind. Not a single one of them negative. No arguments, no unnecessary discussions, not even a slight disagreement. We always shared the same opinions, always wanted the same things, even the things we couldn’t have.
I know that the secrecy was just as hard on David as it was on me. He suffered too, maybe even worse, because he knew it was his fault.
My heart is beating faster than it should as I climb the small hill to the bench. I can still hear our voices and, above all, our laughter. I miss the lightheartedness we had back then. When we didn’t know how much it would hurt to love each other.
It doesn’t hurt anymore to love David. But it scares me. The pounding of my heart, the fluttering in my stomach, everything. The love is there, but the blind trust that in the end everything will be fine has not returned yet. And as Paps said, depending on the situation, I have to decide for myself first what “everything is fine” actually means. But not todayand not here. Not in this place.
“What’s so special about this bench?” Jannis’s question pulls me out of my thoughts. Probably for the best.
“Hm?”
“You’ve been stroking the backrest for five minutes now. What’s so special about it?” My gaze falls on my hand. Ah, fuck it. Why is he always so perceptive?
“I like the view.” It’s indisputably fantastic, no one can question that, not even my brothers.
“All right. Are you having trouble with David?” Oh God, why? Why does he always know what not to ask?
My lips tingle at the thought of God knows how many kisses we’ve shared here on this bench. “No, we’re not having trouble.”
“So, we know, you’ve talked to Paps…” I nod quickly. “But if you need us...”
“Right now, I need you to somehow get me up this hill on that bike. Can you pull me?” Jannis looks at me sternly, and I know that whatever comes next, he’s right, whether I want to admit it or not.
“Don’t be ridiculous and don’t make such a fuss. You’ve been through worse. Giving up was never an option for either of us. Never. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here today.” Fuck...
Chapter 38
