We’re standing in front of the club and Louis has his hands buried deep in his pockets. It’s end of February and it’s freezing cold.
“There’s this little bakery with a café in South Town. They open at six and you can have breakfast there.”
“Sounds good. Let’s go. They should be opening when we get there.”
We sit at a small table by the window and warm our hands on hot coffee cups.
“Still black with plenty of sugar?” Louis asks as I open the second packet. A small, cautious smile plays around his mouth.
“And you, still with the chocolate buns?”
And there it is again. The mischievous grin and the challenging tone in his voice. “Well, sure, they’re undeniably delicious. However, your sticky sweet coffee is debatable. Is that actually coffee, or is it more of a caffeinated soft drink?”
I shake my head with a grin.
“No, seriously. I’ve wondered about that before. If you dislike the taste of coffee so much that you need four packets of sugar...”
“Five packets!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, my bad. But why don’t you drink tea, or hot chocolate, or at least a latte?”
I shrug my shoulders. “We never had real milk at home. My little sister is highly allergic. I don’t like almond milk. So I had to come up with something else.”
“Well, tea would still be an option. Too uncool? Too not the same?” He raises both eyebrows and looks at me questioningly.
I don’t want to admit that he’s right, so I quickly change the subject.
“Thanks for coming with me. I... it’s nice to be here with you.” My heart is beating so hard it’s hard to speak.
“It is.” Louis doesn’t look at me, picking at his napkin with his fingertips. “David, why are we here? Why do you come to the club every week?”
Because I love you? Because I can’t forget you, no matter how hard I try? Because my life sucks without you? Because I’m not complete without you?
I can’t possibly tell him that, or he’ll leave immediately. So I shrug my shoulders helplessly and limit myself to the safest answer. “I miss you.”
Or maybe it wasn’t safe at all, because Louis stares at the table with furrowed eyebrows, his lower lip slightly tucked between his teeth. “And when did you realize that?”
“The moment you turned around and walked away.” I look at him, even though he doesn’t return my gaze, wanting him to feel how serious I am.
“No,” his eyes meet mine, “that’s not how you spin it. I didn’t leave. You begged me to go. You hurt me like hell. First you ripped my heart out and then you stepped on it. All by yourself. Fuck!” His eyes fill with tears and his mouth twists in pain. “I can’t do this.”
Louis’s chair scrapes across the floor and he jumps up. After a quick search he finds a ten-euro bill in his jacket pocket and drops it on the table before storming out of the bakery. Shit...
Chapter 31
Louis
24 years
In the darkness, I walk through South Town in search of a tram stop. I’m too tired to walk home, although the cool air feels really good on my hot face.
Angrily, I kick an empty coffee cup. I could slap myself. Why did I come along in the first place? Why, damn it?
An inferno is raging in my chest, threatening to engulf me, causing so much pain. It makes me so weak, and I don’t want that. It makes me feel. There is so much rushing back again. Tension and nervousness, excitement, and then the pain chimes in. It rolls over me like a freight train, taking my breathaway, and bringing fear. And the fear is worse than the pain, more unpredictable, attacking from directions I didn’t see coming.
I have no idea how I got there, but at some point I’m standing in front of our front door, ringing the bell like crazy. “Hey dude, are you... oh shit, what happened?” Paul whisper-shouts from the second-floor window and presses the buzzer. I stumble through the door, up the stairs, and straight into his arms. Paul’s naked, warm chest against my cold cheek, his arms wrapped tightly around me.
“Come to bed. We’ll talk later.” And with these words, I follow him into his room. He strips me down to my boxers and I crawl under his covers as if they were my own. His scent and his body feel so familiar as he lies down behind me and pulls me close. I take a deep breath and for the first time since I left the club, my lungs fill with oxygen completely.
